Welcome! I thought this would be the best way to keep everyone updated on where we are on our journey to baby b. I also wanted to be a comfort for anyone going through this same heartache. Infertility, pregnancy loss and infant loss are not common topics of conversation. They almost seem like "taboo" topics. In going through this journey myself, I have searched and searched on the internet and social media for any similar stories just to feel some sort of comfort and to know that we are not alone. I came across this picture and I think it fits perfectly into the opening of this blog

Don't hide your scars. Wear them as a proof that God heals. And that is what I intend to do. I have been pretty open about our journey the last (almost!) 2 years but in case you missed anything, here's a quick recap....

Kip and I got married June 29, 2013 and I had my first positive pregnancy test  
September 15,2013 (surprise!) a very welcome surprise at that. We started having to make weekly trips to the doctor for ultrasounds about a week later due to some spotting. [I used to get embarrassed saying that so casually, but after you have a conversation with your father-in-law about your "spotting" that embarrassment goes out the door. Never say never. I NEVER thought I would have so many people ask me "did you have any spotting today?" As if you are being asked, "did you try that piece of cake?"] Sorry, I digressed. After hearing that precious heart beating we thought we may be making our way out of the woods; but God had different plan.  A few days later we were at the hospital for surgery because my body wasn't recognizing the "spontaneous abortion." Spontaneous abortion, that is the medical term that labeled the loss of our baby. I will never forget hearing that term used the first time and it went ahead and ripped out what was left of my heart. It sounds so harsh. So, throughout this blog, you will not read that term anymore. From here on out it will either be "pregnancy loss", "miscarriage" or "m/c." Okay, now that we have cleared that up I will continue....

Months of heartache, praying, healing, and bonding [and I actually mean this brought Kip and I closer together, not what you are thinking Sam Byrum ;)] go by and March 26, 2014 arrives with another positive pregnancy test. Kip was at work and so I had to wait allllll day for him to get home to share the good news. I went to the mall, bought a pair of WF baby booties and wrapped them up for him to open when he got home. Two words can be used to describe that day. Excited and terrified. Things were moving along as they should. I was exhausted, queasy and HUNGRY. We were feeling good about this one. None of the spotting like the first time. And then it happened. One morning I was reading "Praying Through  Your Pregnancy" and my stomach got hard as a rock. I immediately called the doctor office, scheduled an ultrasound, texted Kip to come home and off to the doctor we went. The ultrasound showed an embryo that was 2 weeks behind how far along I thought I was. So, they scheduled us for serial ultrasounds again to keep track of the baby's growth. Well, Mother Nature and God had a different plan. Again. 

At this point, my doctor started running some blood work tests on me. Everything was coming back normal (yes people, I am normal!) So, we got a plan in place and for the next pregnancy. I would take a baby Aspirin and a progesterone pill. I had my pill bottles ready to go! But first, we would need more time, praying and healing.

December 5, 2014. Kip and I are sitting down to a delicious meal that I cooked. I was drinking an adult beverage. My phone alerts me of a text. My aunt sent a text that said "I think Madison's pregnant." Whoa! what!? I think I would know if I were pregnant or not, this would be my 3rd time! I asked "why?" and she said "I don't know, I just have a feeling and it won't go away." December 6, 2014.... positive pregnancy test! Holy cow!! Shocked but excited, I couldn't believe that she knew it and I didn't! A week goes by and I really don't feel many symptoms until one morning before work... WHOA! Okay, this must be what being pregnant with a healthy baby feels like. Vomit bags became my new favorite accessory. For weeks, I had them EVERYWHERE. We went for our scheduled first ultrasound, excited, confident and full of love for this baby that we were finally going to carry to term. I will never forget the words out of the ultrasound tech's mouth "Is this your first ultrasound?" Doom. That is the only word that I can think of to describe the way we felt. Horrible. Terrible. Doom. 

I remember being in pre-op the next day, changing into a gown for another surgery, and the nurse behind the curtain asked me if this was my 1st pregnancy loss. "No ma'am it's my 3rd" I responded and I could hear her tell another nurse and they both were so surprised and then very comforting (I was a puddle of tears at that point.) The doctor comes to talk to us and advises us to send the embryo off for genetic testing to try and get some answers as to why this keeps happening to us. Weeks go by and the doctor calls me with results (Kip was on call and at the hospital.) He tell us that our baby was a girl (stab to the heart in a whole new way finding out the sex) and that she had a chromosome accident. Part of chromosome 2 was on chromosome 20 (I know, this sounds like a different language, it used to sound that way to me too. I will explain) and he suggested that Kip and I get genetic testing done because more than likely one of us had a balanced translocation (huh??) and the odds were against us and we had a 50/50 chance of having a healthy pregnancy at some point. Mind.Blown.

Weeks go by. We get blood work drawn. We wait. Doctor goes on vacation. We wait. Phone call one night (I was in the shower and Kip was again, on call at the hospital) Doctor leaves a voice mail telling me that both of our genetic tests looked normal and that from here he thought we should see a reproductive endocrinologist. An appointment was made for May (4 months to wait) and that seemed like forever away

 At this point, we are trying our hardest to keep each other's head above water. You never think it will be you. You never think that you and your husband will be that couple that has breaking hearts every time you see a pregnant woman or babies. You never know the anger you will feel when you see a pregnant woman doing things she shouldn't and thinking "why does she get to have a baby when she isn't even doing whats best for the baby before it is even born?" I never thought that I would tear up watching our niece and nephews play because I'm not sure that we will ever get to watch our own child join in with them. I never thought I would hold my cousin's baby, that I had taken out of the restaurant to entertain outside and decorate his head with my tears after he looks up at me with big blue eyes and a huge grin on his face. Will I ever experience this of my own???? I never thought I would BEG God to please bless us with a miracle of our own. I never thought I would hear my husband say he got teary eyed once he got home from lunch with a friend and his little girl  because he wanted that so badly himself. But here we are. This is the journey that God has chosen for us. There have been times where I have been so angry at Him. "How can I trust You when I pray so hard and try to live the life You would be the most proud of and then we are punished?" I know, God doesn't punish us, but it has taken me many private conversations with Him for me to believe this. One of the hardest parts about faith is truly believing and not just saying. I told people for the longest time," it is in God's timing." But I never BELIEVED that. But now, I now truly BELIEVE that it is His timing. The day that I stopped just saying it and realized that I truly believed it, I found this

                                                                                    How about that for perfect timing!

May 4, 2015 we met Dr Johnston-MacAnanny (Dr. J). This woman is fantastic. I had done A LOT of research at this point and had my mind made up that we were going to do IVF and we were going to be candidates for PGS (preimplantation genetic screening) and while we were at it, lets go for twins! Kip, he wasn't too convinced of my research leading us down that path. The doctor in him wanted to hear what the specialist thought would be the best route for us. She explained to us that she thought our babies were having random chromosome accidents. She told us that we could probably have a baby at some point the natural way, but why go through the emotional, physical and mental pain any more than we already had when she could help us by-pass all that? Sign.Us.Up! We had a very lengthy conversation with her and the 3 of us came to the conclusion that we would do IVF (she promised she wouldn't make me octo-mom which allowed Kip to breathe a huge sigh of relief) and that she wanted to have our embryos screened prior to implanting them. We left her office feeling confident, weighed down with information to read and slightly overwhelmed with potential costs. But, overall, and most importantly, we felt good. We finally see the light at the end of the tunnel that we are going to get to have our baby

                                                

If you are still reading, I told you waaaay up at the top that I would explain some of the medical jargon. We are all made up of 24 chromosomes. They start out big and get smaller as the chain continues. Remember when I told you that our baby had part of chromosome 2 on chromosome 20? Well, since 2 is near the top, it is a big chromosome. It carries a lot of "information" in it and so for that one to be on chromosome 20 (which is a smaller one, towards the end of the chain) it is considered to be a chromosome accident that is not compatible with life. A balanced translocation (the other word from the top) is where a person can have a chromosome accident, but the part of which ever chromosome that is attached to another one is a "smaller" accident per say. It means that a person can have part of a chromosome in the wrong place but they are alive and you would never know that anything was wrong. Until that "balanced translocation" is passed down and the embryo's chromosomes are trying to get in line the way they should be, but are unable to due to the misplaced one that was passed down from one of the parents. Confused yet? It took me many, many times of reading and re-reading to understand it all. Here is where modern medicine blows my mind....

First off, Dr J had to get a sneak peak of my non-pregnant uterus to make sure she looked okay structurally and to make sure the scarring of the previous 2 surgeries hadn't left scar tissue build-up. Babies don't tend to thrive in scar tissue. The ultrasound is called a hysterosalpingogram (HSG). Basically, they squirt saline into your uterus while watching under flouro (fancy, real-time x-ray) No scar tissue to report and fallopian tubes are open!

                                                                      Haley took this picture afterwards to send to Kip and
                                                                      my mom to show I was a-ok (it can be a painful US)

 Next, the medications.....

June 4, 2015- started taking birth control (say what!? I thought we were trying to HAVE a baby, not prevent one!) I am taking birth control so that I do not ovulate at my natural time. The plan is that I will give myself injections to ramp up egg production for a retrieval of as many as possible in July

June 15, 2015- Lupron injections started.  Lupron induces ovulation. So basically, we stopped the naturally occurring ovulation with birth control and the doctor is making it happen at the time she wants it to with Lupron

Now, as a nurse you would think this wouldn't bother me to inject myself. WRONG! It is so different when you are coming at your own stomach with a needle as opposed to someone else's! I thought Kip was going to take a picture, nope! He recorded it......

Thanks for hanging in there! I know this was a very long post. Once I started writing, all of the last 2 years came flooding back to memory. Believe it or not, I held back some stuff! I will update the medications as we begin new ones. I will also explain in more detail about the genetic screening our embryos will undergo closer to the time that is happening