We were at the beach with Kip's family and we were to return home to begin IVF cycle #2. Welllllllll, God had a different plan. I was pregnant again instead! I kept holding off on taking a test because my cycle was thrown off the prior month from the IVF treatments I guess. I kept thinking maybe September was the same. One of my days off, I took a 2.5 hour nap on the sofa. SO NOT ME! That sent up a red flag, but I still waited. On a Thursday, I was driving and I could have KILLED for this delicious rosemary trail mix that they sell locally here. A craving like that can only mean one thing.... my eggo is preggo. I stopped into the Dollar Tree to grab a few pregnancy tests. Yep, I buy my test from the Dollar Tree. I learned in nursing school that they are just as good as all the other (expensive) brands out there! Anyways, I got home and decided to take one. I wasn't expecting it to show anything, it was the afternoon [not morning like they say you should test] and I didn't have any symptoms really other than being a little extra tired. Honestly, I thought the sleepiness was catching up to me from not drinking caffeine through the day anymore doing our 100 day food challenge. Sorry, I keep getting off track. Refocused. I took the test and (TMI) before I could even stand up, that sucker had 2 dark lines starring me in the face. I was terrified. Kip was going to be home in about 30 minutes at that point so I laid the test down where I knew he would see it right when he got home and I sat on the sofa and began to pray. And cry.Not a sad cry of course. Just a scared one. This baby was conceived naturally and so we had no way of knowing if there were healthy chromosomes or not. Kip got home, he saw the test, he was cautiously excited and then we called our parents. It's sad when you can't get fully excited about a pregnancy. It's sad when you have to reserve your feelings because you know the pain all too well of letting that excitement shine. Miscarriages don't just effect us, they effect our families too
I had to tell soooooo many people at work. With my new job, I am around LOTS of radiology equipment. I had to make sure our little nugget wasn't getting zapped. Each week, people would ask me, "hanging in there?" and each week I was getting to say "yes." FINALLY! I have never been as hungry in my life as what I have been the last month and a half. I've gained nearly 10 lbs already! Buffalo sauce, ranch and bacon were my jam for weeks. One night, my poor husband, was served frozen chicken tenders, frozen french fries and a salad for dinner. He looked at me and said "I guess we are officially off of the 100 days?" And yes, we have been. This baby has wanted nothing to do with anything healthy. I take that back, broccoli and granny smith apples have also been my jam. I pulled a muscle in my back throwing up one day. Pathetic! That was embarrassing calling into work and telling them. I couldn't work though. You can't push beds around a hospital with a pulled muscle and not able to take any anti-inflammatories on top of that. So I laid on the heating pad and watched Gilmore Girls all day. It was actually quite lovely
This whole time I have been praying my heart out. We all have. I have felt very much at ease throughout this pregnancy. That was God. This morning, I laid in bed and had a loooong prayer/convo with God. Today was the day that my "ignorance is bliss" moment could come crumbling down. But I was confident. I felt like this was the one. So many of our family members did too. In the past, I have started to lose symptoms before our ultrasounds. Not this time. NOTHING had changed. At the doctor's office this morning, the set up has changed. First, you have to have a doppler performed to listen for the baby's heartbeat. Insurance companies are requiring it now (don't even get me started on that) and of course, we couldn't hear anything. It was too early to hear a heart beating with a doppler. That isn't until you are 12-14 weeks. This week, I was 10 weeks. The furthest we have ever made it. Not hearing that heart beating [even though it wasn't expected that we would be able to anyways] got my nerves going. The ultrasound tech comes in next. She feels confident that everything will be okay once she starts the ultrasound. Silence. And then she asks "you said you did a round of IVF?" and I told her "yes" but that baby was not implanted via IVF. Silence. Silence from the US tech is never a good thing. Learned that one many moons ago. She kept looking and measuring. I couldn't look at the screen. Finally, I did. I saw a little something and felt slightly relieved but that was immediately overtaken by nerves again because I didn't see that little flicker on the screen. I didn't see that precious little heart beating. I asked her if there was no heart beat and she just looked at me and said "I'm sorry, I really was hoping to be able to give you good news today." Tears. We talked to the doctor, who was fabulous by the way. He was stumped. The baby was only measuring 6 weeks. I should be 10 weeks. We should see a heart beating by this point, but we didn't. But I also haven't lost ANY symptoms. I go to bed (into a coma-like state) at 8pm these days, I feel nauseated when I get hungry and then nausea hits when I eat too much, I have the baby induced boob job thing going on (which I love by the way! Don't judge!) and my stomach gets sooooo bloated that by night time I look 5 month pregnant and I even did a little research on symptoms of twins. I'm talking, I couldn't even hide my bump type bump. So the doctor told us that we could go home and think about it. We didn't have to decide anything right then. So we have. We have come to the conclusion that we will have a D&C next week. Prior to that, the doctor is going to perform one last US to make sure nothing has changed. We are trying to not fill ourselves with false hope. But what if there could be a miracle??? I can't help but to think it. I can't help but to hold onto that little bit of hope. Especially since I still have all of my symptoms
I think I have still been in shock. Driving home, I asked God "why?" I prayed that if we were not going to have a good US today, please send some sort of warning sign. Please don't let us be blind sided. But we were. But He is a Mighty God, and what if that baby has a heart beat next week and that is why He didn't give us any warning signs? Maybe because it isn't over!? That's denial speaking right there. But also faith. This next week, I am still going to pray for our baby. How can I not? That mama bear instinct kicks in as soon as those 2 lines show up. So! That my friends is why I haven't been blogging. I have been sleeping and eating. And kind of avoiding my blog so I wouldn't slip up and spill the beans too early. I had imagined posting a picture of Kip, me and our US picture today to announce to you all our wonderful news. But God has other plans that I REALLLLLLY wish he would reveal to us
Oh yeah, to top it all off.... I had to go straight to the hospital to get my flu shot after all of that. Tomorrow is the deadline and we get terminated if we don't receive the shot. I was waiting until today after our US to get it. Thinking I wouldn't be crying in the chair because the questionnaire asked me if I was pregnant. But oh well. The nurse gave me a hug and told me she would be praying for us
For now, I am going to try and remind myself of this:
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