What. A. Week. We had our follow up ultrasound, and there was no little heart beating on the screen and the baby hadn't changed in size. So I had yet another D&C. It's sad when you don't need all the pre-op instructions anymore because it's not your first rodeo, or second, it's your third (3 D&Cs and 1 natural) But we are making it through it, again.

I don't think it has really hit me yet. My symptoms MAY have been starting to dwindle but for the most part, I still felt very much pregnant up until the surgery. My belly still swells with eating (although not as much now), it is still uncomfortable to lay on my stomach to sleep and I still find myself holding onto my stomach. I'm not sure if having the week to prepare ourselves helped with the transition, or if it is because we have been through this so many times, or maybe, it is God just doing what we prayed for; giving us strength to handle this situation. I'm sure the sting will come. Those would-be milestones usually sting a bit. But for now, we are doing okay

I told Kip last night, even though we should probably be realllly sad right now, I'm not. We are blessed in so many other ways. I know we will get our baby, one way or the other. The Lord wouldn't have put this strong desire of mommyhood in my heart if He wasn't going to fulfill it. Although, I am really confused by how He is planning on fulfilling it. My frustration lies here: mentally, I was so prepared and ready for adoption. I had come to terms with a baby not biologically being our own. I was at peace with not knowing what our biological child would look like, or who he or she would act like. I was okay with not being pregnant to bring our child into this world. And now. Now I have taken 1000000000000 steps backwards. Now, I have yearning again for all of those things! We got to have that baby in our lives for 11 weeks. We got to daydream about all of those things. To a certain degree of course. You don't truly let your mind go there when you have been through what we have. But still. Now we are starting over

Since I last blogged, life has been busy. I continued to work to keep my mind occupied, I cut off all of my hair, I have gotten to spend some really great time with my very best friend and the love of my life.

excuse my awkwardness, I don't do selfies on the regular

We have done some retail therapy with buying things for the house, we have enjoyed our fire pit (finally! we have had it for 2 years, sitting in the box, waiting to be put together) we have laughed, we have cried, we have cooked together and we have been completely filled with love and support. We truly have the best families and friends. The flowers, the cards, the texted prayers, the phone calls and the silent prayers, we have felt them all. We are so blessed. We are so thankful.

I have a lamp obsession. And it isn't getting better and I'm okay with that

Beautiful flowers we have received 

Right now, I am sitting under a blanket, sipping on coffee, listening to the rain and a fire crackling. These are the types of days that I love. Most people don't like the rain. But I do. I love to be cozy, and to me, the rain is cozy (don't get me wrong, if I am at the beach, there better not be a cloud in the sky) but in the fall and the winter, I don't like to look outside and see what appears to be a warm, sunny day, only to walk outside and it be freezing. If it is cool or cold, I want the clouds, and the rain, or the snow! That is the beautiful part about living in North Carolina, the seasons and the changes of weather

PS- it is not cold here at all. It is actually warmer than usual right now. And I'm sweating. But I love the idea of it being cold, sitting under a blanket and sipping coffee, so I'm pretending that it is cold ;)