Where did my strength go? And how did it go so quickly? How can I be okay all day and then the smallest little thing set me off? This is not me. Hormones I guess? I'm going to blame it on that anyways. It's so strange; this last pregnancy. It was SO real. But somehow it's like it just dissolved. It fizzled out. It went away. I can talk very casual about it and be okay. But I stop there. If I let my mind and my heart get together, the conversation wouldn't be so casual anymore

With starting our new round of IVF, I'm scared I won't emotionally handle it as well as I did the first time. For many reasons... for one, my hormones are still trying to get back to normal from a pregnancy and I'm throwing them off almost immediately. And two, this could possibly be the last time we ever try for our children. Months ago, I was okay with this. Or at least I thought I was. My heart still breaks when I see or hear of kids who are of in need. And I wonder, is that my sign for adoption? Or maybe that's just a normal response. Right now, I need that bump. I need that pregnancy. I need that baby. I need to feel like me again. I need to not cry when typing that. I need to feel strong. I need to not feel broken. I pray for strength, I pray for peace of mind and heart, I pray to feel like me again, I pray to handle this next round of IVF like a champ, I pray for understanding and I pray for a healthy baby

Sorry this is so short. I'm not sure what I'm trying to really even say here. I guess I just feel sad, and weak and I wanted to write to see if I felt better. But I don't. Maybe I just need to let the emotion take over for a bit. Maybe I need to let myself feel the pain, instead of trying to just get past it. I read a quote the other night that has really stuck with me the last few days...."I'm exhausted from trying to be stronger than I feel" I feel like such a downer right now. Especially with Thanksgiving coming up. I'm so blessed and so thankful for so much. But I can't help how I feel right now. Trust me, I wish I could change it