That sting? It's jealousy. It's jealousy that hits when I see posts about baby girls being born or a gender reveal revealing a baby girl. I don't know why. Honestly, I had always pictured myself with a baby boy. We have the name, it's special to us and baby boys love their mamas. But. Ever since we found out that our third baby was a girl, I'm stuck. I'm jealous. I'm sad. And I don't want to feel this way. I have so much to be thankful for. Yes, we are having trouble having a baby, but otherwise, I am blessed. More than I should be. After all we have been through, the sex doesn't matter. A healthy baby is the ultimate and only goal. But again, the image of a girl pops into my head immediately when I type that. My husband with a baby girl. I tear up thinking about it. A daddy's girl. Picturing my husband craddling our baby girl, my heart is full. No matter what the gender, he will be the best daddy ever. But there is just something about a daddy-daughter relationship that is undeniable

When I was a little girl, I would sit on my dad's shoulders while he mowed the yard. How? I'm not sure. I'm not sure how he was able to do both, but he did. He gave me a necklace that said "daddy's girl" on it. One day, we (and I use that term loosely) were mowing the yard and my necklace must have fallen off during that time. That was the first time I ever recall my heart feeling like it was in my feet. I searched our front yard forever. I couldn't find it. I never did find it. Every once in a while, I think back to that day. My mom helped me look for it, but I guess the lawn mower ate it :/

I always pictured my husband with a son. Until I saw pictures from our wedding. His sister's best friend's daughter was at our reception. In the picture, my husband was wearing his blue seersucker suit, squatting down next to the most precious little girl; blond curls, light blue dress. She could have passed for his own. That was the first time I ever saw my husband "coordinating" with a baby girl. A baby girl that so resembled what I picture our own to look like. Ever since then, my heart yearns for my husband to have a baby girl

Please don't get me wrong. I have tons of images of life with a baby boy too. And trust me, if when we get to that point where we have a healthy baby and we find out the gender, it will not matter if it is a boy or girl. But I'm human. And a girl. And as a girl, you can't help but envision your future. No matter what you've been through. You STILL have visions. I will be OVERJOYED by the fact that we have a healthy baby. All I'm saying, is that the "sting" that I blogged about in my last post, happens to be when baby girls are involved

We are not sure what our next step will be. Probably one more round of IVF. We need to meet with Dr.J and figure out a plan. We need to pray. What is the best direction for us to go next? At this point, I'm not sure how to "trust" that "sign" because I have misinterpreted so badly in the past. But what our plan is, I know, it WILL be revealed....