I'm here! I apologize for the silence over the last few weeks. I have been working like crazy and time has just been flying. We finished out second round of IVF already. That was fast! Although it didn't really feel that fast going through it. This time was so different.

One would think that the first time would be more difficult. Not for me. This second one was the difficult one for me. Maybe it was because we went into it so quickly after our last miscarriage, maybe it was because this is my favorite time of year and it was sort of dampened by construction and shots, or maybe it was because I'm seeing the glass as half empty at this point rather than half full. If it is the latter, I'm not digging this side of me. Going through infertility, you have to stay positive.  Otherwise, it will beat you down. Ever since my trigger shot, I have just broken down in tears so easily. Let me recap the last 2 weeks for you.....

I started my shots while visiting our family in DC. If you remember from my last post, I was concerned about our 4 year old niece wanting to watch me do my injections, I was correct. We tried to distract her otherwise, but she is a smart little girl. She caught on and insisted on watching. "Why are you doing them in your tummy instead of your arm?" she asked so innocently. Followed by asking her mommy "mommy, are you going to give yourself shots too?" No sweet girl, this is not the norm, and I pray that you never ever have to experience giving yourself shots. Anyways, we started out with 25 follicles. Awesome! I thought....and as the days went on, my ovaries felt like they had a heartbeat. I felt like they were pulsating with every step I took. My ovaries were "taking a while to wake up" after our recent miscarriage. My doctor was really careful not to overstimulate me this time. I got pretty close the last time to being overstimulated

Just a couple of girls, hanging out in their Christmas pjs :) 

Gosh, I miss that sweet girl

Yesterday was my egg retrieval. I tell you what, I have been soo tired the last few weeks between working overtime and taking these shots, I went into quite the (welcome... don't judge me) fentanyl and versed slumber. Retrieved, 18 eggs. Fertilized, only 8. By today, only 5 are growing normal. I feel a little disheartened. I know, those numbers are better than some people and I should be grateful. And I am. But I am scared too. Last time, we had 20 eggs retrieved, 15 fertilized, 11 grew normal at first and we ultimately ended up with 6 embryos that were biopsied. When you are doing this for the "numbers" like we are, only starting out with 5 is scary. But all it takes is one. All I have been praying for is at least ONE healthy embryo. I have felt so weak this whole time. I felt so strong the first time. I felt like I was dominating IVF. This time, I sort of have felt more sorry for myself. And I can't stand that. I don't want others to feel sorry for me, so why should I feel sorry for myself?

This whole second time, the shots have stung so much worse. The needles have been injected almost apprehensively by myself (the last day, I literally felt sick to my stomach after giving myself my ganirelix shot...the needle is dull and I went for it way too slow) Needless to say, I'm glad they are done. My trigger shot was so much worse this time around too. The actual injection, painless like last time. But what was different... I didn't work the next day after the trigger shot the last time, this time, I did. My poor co-worker, she took my day of complaining like a champ. She told me I was fine and I deserved to complain. The site really was pretty gnarly this time and got worse as the day went on. I'm not sure why (who am I kidding, I do know why) I have been so emotional the last few days.... my hormones have gone crazy! They have been on a roller coaster the last few months

At this point, I'm not sure what to think. I have just been going through the motions it feels like. Not really thinking about anything too deeply. Tonight, Kip said that he is a little bummed and scared about the numbers as well. But he has that glass half full mentality still. He has reminded me that we always have adoption as an option. And I know this too. I just have to get my head back there. I truly just don't even know what to think right now. We should find out right before or right after Christmas what the chromosome results are. Right now, we are praying for a MAJOR Christmas miracle