If anyone is keeping up with the dates, you will have realized that I was supposed to have started the second round of IVF on Friday (8/14/15) Well. As of 8/19/15 we have not started yet. It is now on hold until next month. I wish I could have some really exciting news to tell you as to why have not started yet, but I don't. Unfortunately, we were delayed 4 days due to my body's natural cycle. We are leaving for the beach soon, and honestly, after everything we have been through lately, 8 days away sounds AMAZING and we didn't want to have to sacrifice any time away. So........ due to mother nature, we are now delayed ANOTHER MONTH. I feel soooooooooo frustrated by this. But also heart broken
Kip and I both found ourselves getting more and more excited each day that passed and still no visit from "her." At first, we tried to remain realistic. "It's probably just the IVF cycle that threw my body off" But then, as each day passed and "she" hadn't arrived, the anticipation and excitement grew. We couldn't help it. It was natural. And then, Sunday night, we were crushed....or so we thought. Monday, "she" showed no signs of still being around. And then our excitement grew even more. "Maybe God is FINALLY giving us a break" we both thought and we had both been praying that if I were indeed pregnant, this was IT. THIS was going to be our healthy, full term baby. And then 4am Tuesday morning arrived. I was awoken from my sleep in soo much pain that I thought I was definitely having another miscarriage. I wasn't, it was painful cramps (FYI- I had taken 3 pregnancy tests at this point, which were all negative, but I still couldn't help but to think...what if) I didn't want to get up to take any pain medicine, because I didn't want Kip to wake up and realize what I was doing. I didn't want him to feel that crushing feeling that I was experiencing, once again
Why is it that all of this has to be so difficult and painful? Why the emotional roller coaster? WHY can it not just be EASY for once? WHY did we even let ourselves think that I was maybe pregnant and WHY were we excited? I think you just can't help but have excitement, even though it would probably be sooooo risky for me to get pregnant without testing the embryos first. If we hadn't done that first cycle of IVF and tested the embryos, that would have been 6 more miscarriages. SIX!!!! And a total of 9! NINE people!!! I know that there are women out there who actually experience that. And my heart goes out to you. The 3 just about did me in. Sometimes I get angry when I hear people talk about their pregnant bellies in front of me. And then I have to set myself straight. They are excited and they have every right to be. If that is ever me, I am going to apologize ahead of time to anyone who I may hurt. Because I know I will be talking about that baby and that belly constantly. I also apologize to the people who will have to hear me talk about it constantly and will probably get on their nerves. It mostly depends on my mood. Last night, hearing the girls at work, I was tired and hungry and to hear "We are having a girl! Kind of disappointed because we wanted a boy" and then hearing the talk about the baby moving, I just had to get out of there. I think my anger of hearing the gender preference talk came more from "ugh, it is easy for you to complain about gender because you have a healthy baby growing in your belly and you were able to get it there the 'ole natural way and didn't have to pay tons of money for it" I used to think like that. I used to think that we HAD to get pregnant with a girl to make up for the loss of our little girl. And then this time, when I thought I may be pregnant, I realized I didn't care one bit what that baby might be. All I wanted was for it to be healthy. But, again, it is time to move on. Put the emotions behind us. My heart's desire remains for a baby. And I still feel very much at peace with adoption. I'm ready to just do it!!!!!
Any who. I had a looooong day at work yesterday and did't get to eat much. Well, I felt the repercussions of that last night. When I got home, we went out for drinks and appetizers. I haven't been drinking very much lately, as I was preparing my body for the next round of IVF, (hopefully) a pregnancy and then, of course, the obvious- I thought I was pregnant. Well..... last night the champagne flowed freely and the nightcap Irish Coffee went down smoothly. And then I literally found myself feeling like a horse while I was in the shower. Have you ever felt your lips just reflex into the "neigh" sound? Sort of like a motor boat???? (okay, it's not a neigh sound actually. I don't know horse sound lingo, so I'm calling it a neigh) Well....last night, for the first time in a long time, while I was in the shower, under the water; I neighed. I don't like to drink too much and feel out of control of my body or it's actions. But last night the champs snuck up on me, without my realizing it, it happened, and then, just like that...my lips made the sound of a horse's
disclaimer: the sound is more like when you make the motor boat sound with your lips, not a neigh. But I really wanted to use this picture because I thought it was funny
Update from Saturday: there was a gentle breeze all day long. I told Kip that morning that I would love to see 3 butterflies, all together that day. Well, we didn't see 3, but we did see 1. I'll take that. Last night, on my way home from work, I felt a little sad (after a very long and exhausting afternoon due to a very sick patient and overhearing the 2 girls at work talking about feeling their babies move inside of them for the first time) I saw a rainbow on my way home tonight. I couldn't tell you the last time I saw a rainbow, but last, when I really needed something happy, there it was. That was our angel babies, lighting up the sky with something happy. I wish I wasn't driving so I could have taken a picture. It's okay though, I have a mental image that will be engrained for a long time
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