Forgive me, this will probably be short; but I wanted to update you all on the progress of our little chickadees. We were told on Sunday that we had 5 embryos...2 were good, 2 were average and 1 was below average... okay, I can stomach that......

Today, we were told that of the 5, only 1 was biopsied today. There is another one that is looking pretty good for biopsy tomorrow, but the other 3 probably won't make much further. I keep telling myself "it only takes 1" Since our last IVF round, I have prayed and prayed for at least just 1 healthy biological baby. Of course, I would LOVE to have our 3 children that I always envisioned in my life. But it's not looking like that is going to be at all the way I imagined it. Yes, we still may get our 3, but it just might not be from us. BUT, I REALLLLLLLLLY pray that we can have at least just 1 that is biological

I feel so weird. I feel nothing. I feel flatlined. How do you know the difference between trusting your gut and having a good feeling that you will have at least 1 healthy one versus just wanting something so badly that you just "feel good" about it but really the feeling is not accurate? Pray. Pray. Pray. Pray. That is all I can do. That is all that is in my control. We are still praying for our Christmas miracle. The biopsied cells won't be sent off until January 4, 2016. From there, it will take 2-3 days for results. Deep down, I'm glad we won't find out results before Christmas

Again, I apologize for the short entry. I worked 12 hours yesterday and today and MAN my body is having a HARD time adjusting to those hours again. Thank goodness I go back to my 8 hour days tomorrow. I probably won't post again before Christmas, so Merry Christmas friends. I hope it is a wonderful one. We will be sweating in 70 degree weather....boo!!!!

I'm here! I apologize for the silence over the last few weeks. I have been working like crazy and time has just been flying. We finished out second round of IVF already. That was fast! Although it didn't really feel that fast going through it. This time was so different.

One would think that the first time would be more difficult. Not for me. This second one was the difficult one for me. Maybe it was because we went into it so quickly after our last miscarriage, maybe it was because this is my favorite time of year and it was sort of dampened by construction and shots, or maybe it was because I'm seeing the glass as half empty at this point rather than half full. If it is the latter, I'm not digging this side of me. Going through infertility, you have to stay positive.  Otherwise, it will beat you down. Ever since my trigger shot, I have just broken down in tears so easily. Let me recap the last 2 weeks for you.....

I started my shots while visiting our family in DC. If you remember from my last post, I was concerned about our 4 year old niece wanting to watch me do my injections, I was correct. We tried to distract her otherwise, but she is a smart little girl. She caught on and insisted on watching. "Why are you doing them in your tummy instead of your arm?" she asked so innocently. Followed by asking her mommy "mommy, are you going to give yourself shots too?" No sweet girl, this is not the norm, and I pray that you never ever have to experience giving yourself shots. Anyways, we started out with 25 follicles. Awesome! I thought....and as the days went on, my ovaries felt like they had a heartbeat. I felt like they were pulsating with every step I took. My ovaries were "taking a while to wake up" after our recent miscarriage. My doctor was really careful not to overstimulate me this time. I got pretty close the last time to being overstimulated

Just a couple of girls, hanging out in their Christmas pjs :) 

Gosh, I miss that sweet girl

Yesterday was my egg retrieval. I tell you what, I have been soo tired the last few weeks between working overtime and taking these shots, I went into quite the (welcome... don't judge me) fentanyl and versed slumber. Retrieved, 18 eggs. Fertilized, only 8. By today, only 5 are growing normal. I feel a little disheartened. I know, those numbers are better than some people and I should be grateful. And I am. But I am scared too. Last time, we had 20 eggs retrieved, 15 fertilized, 11 grew normal at first and we ultimately ended up with 6 embryos that were biopsied. When you are doing this for the "numbers" like we are, only starting out with 5 is scary. But all it takes is one. All I have been praying for is at least ONE healthy embryo. I have felt so weak this whole time. I felt so strong the first time. I felt like I was dominating IVF. This time, I sort of have felt more sorry for myself. And I can't stand that. I don't want others to feel sorry for me, so why should I feel sorry for myself?

This whole second time, the shots have stung so much worse. The needles have been injected almost apprehensively by myself (the last day, I literally felt sick to my stomach after giving myself my ganirelix shot...the needle is dull and I went for it way too slow) Needless to say, I'm glad they are done. My trigger shot was so much worse this time around too. The actual injection, painless like last time. But what was different... I didn't work the next day after the trigger shot the last time, this time, I did. My poor co-worker, she took my day of complaining like a champ. She told me I was fine and I deserved to complain. The site really was pretty gnarly this time and got worse as the day went on. I'm not sure why (who am I kidding, I do know why) I have been so emotional the last few days.... my hormones have gone crazy! They have been on a roller coaster the last few months

At this point, I'm not sure what to think. I have just been going through the motions it feels like. Not really thinking about anything too deeply. Tonight, Kip said that he is a little bummed and scared about the numbers as well. But he has that glass half full mentality still. He has reminded me that we always have adoption as an option. And I know this too. I just have to get my head back there. I truly just don't even know what to think right now. We should find out right before or right after Christmas what the chromosome results are. Right now, we are praying for a MAJOR Christmas miracle

BRING ON THE WINE! Kidding, sort of. I know that things could be A LOT worse. My family has their health, we have a roof over our heads as it has now rained for 2 straight days and we have heat that is warming our house. BUT GOOD GOSH. I just can't take any more surprises. Bad surprises that is...

For the most part, construction is coming along. We have lost a few days here and there, but otherwise we are trucking along. Tile is DONE, painting is starting tomorrow. BUT, tonight, we realized that the sink pipe in our NEW BATHROOM is leaking. YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!!!!!!!!!!!! Water, on the brand new floor, with the grout that was just done yesterday. THANK GOODNESS our contractor is wonderful and responds anytime, day or night that I text or call him. The news wasn't the worst thing ever that he delivered tonight, but let's just say we are now running out of sink options to be using. He thinks the hall bathroom sink is lined up with our bedroom sink and when we are using the hall bath sink, it is causing the other pipe to leak. He is sending a plumber out first thing in the morning to check it out. Let me just insert something here though... "first thing" in the contracting world, means no earlier than 8am. But when I clarified with him the time, he meant 9am. Now, for someone who leaves her house at 6am for work, 8 or 9 or 10am is NOT first thing. Rarely do the workers show up before 10am. Now, all supplies are already at our house. I always get a phone call the day before telling me that "so and so will be there between 8 and 10" WHAT ARE THEY DOING FOR THOSE 2 HOURS?!?!?!?!?!?! Not getting supplies!

There are 3 of us in a row that are having work done to our houses. We have all decided that Christmas is cancelled for 2016. It is really hard to do your normal stuff when there are people in your house and the dust factor is.... WHOAAAAAAA. Normally, we get our Christmas tree on black Friday and I decorate that day as well. This year, I refused a tree or decorating until the bathroom was finished. I didn't want yet another object to become a dust collector. HOWEVER, on Sunday, coming home from being with Kip's family for Thanksgiving, I broke down. We were in the car, on the highway and those silent tears started streaming. I couldn't pinpoint what was upsetting me. I think I just felt overwhelmed. With everything. And sad. This is MY FAVORITE time of year. Seriously! I can't get enough of Christmas time. And I feel like it is being taken away from me because of this construction and I have a deep dwelling fear that we could be receiving devastating news right before Christmas...

I go on Friday for my baseline blood work and US. I have been taking birth control for the last week. Tomorrow is my last day of that. Depending on my appointment Friday, I could begin administering shots Friday night. This should be interesting, we are going to visit Kip's sister and her family over the weekend and to celebrate our nephew's 3rd birthday. I am going to have to give my shots to myself while there. I'm nervous that our niece will wonder why in the world I am giving myself shots. Do we explain to her why? And if we say "we are trying to have a baby" or something to that degree, what if she asks where babies come from and then we have a whole new can of worms open and I hate to do that to my sis and bro in-law! This little girl doesn't really skip a beat though, and she is curious, and has already said she wants to be a doctor. I feel like she would take genuine interest in seeing these shots administered. Man, I am such a worrier sometimes

Tomorrow, December 2, 2015, is due due date of baby number 2. Once again, we should be celebrating a 1st birthday. I think that even though I may not feel the crushing heart feeling of sadness, it's there subconsciously. I've been getting pretty emotional and quick to temper. Today at work, a doctor was so rude to me that I swear the good Lord above came down and stopped me from jumping over the desk and putting her in her place. In 5 1/2 years of being a nurse, this is only my 3rd time experiencing this type of rudeness from a doc. Normally, we get along great! But this lady, she had a complex, she was trying to prove herself I believe. Well, she proved to be a real biddy and I planned on telling her to never be so disrespectful to me ever again if I saw her again after cooling down from her rude comment

Okay, so my ADD kicked in and I never finished our car ride story. Anyways, my sweet, loving, thoughtful husband noticed the tears streaming down my face and knew exactly what would cheer me up. Christmas music. He turned it on, and after a few minutes, asked if I wanted to get our Christmas tree when we got home. Duh! Of course! That music turned my mood right around and we got our tree and now, as I type this blog, I can stare at her beauty and remember the true meaning of this holiday. And as I stare at her twinkling lights, I know that our God is a great one and that His timing is the best and He will bless us when it is our time. And He is with me, with us, in the good times and the bad. And when I am feeling sad or down, I can look at that tree and be reminded of these things. And when I am not at home, I have a picture on my phone of it that I can look at for a reminder

Now, are you ready for a picture overload? Because here is comes....

First off, I really miss these 3 sweet, precious boys....

And I can't wait to see these 2 precious munchkins this weekend...

Sorry for the ranting and raving at the beginning of this post. I truly am grateful that we are able to even do these renovations to our bathroom. But I will be even more grateful when they are done! I will leave y'all with one final picture, our Christmas tree. My current happy place

She isn't decorated with ornaments yet. Except for 2. Kip and I have a tradition that each year, we give each other an ornament that reminds us of the other person. At first, we did it to jump start our ornament collection, but we have continued it through the years. At first, it was easy. Now, over the years, all of the obvious ones have been gifted already. Now, we really have to think about it and it is a good reminder of the things we love about each other. Each year, the night we put our tree up, we give each other our ornaments. From there, the next night, we fully decorate. We put a date somewhere discreet on each one. The hope is, one day, our children will cherish these as well as the tradition as much as we do (and lets be real, after we are gone, we want them to fight over them!)

Where did my strength go? And how did it go so quickly? How can I be okay all day and then the smallest little thing set me off? This is not me. Hormones I guess? I'm going to blame it on that anyways. It's so strange; this last pregnancy. It was SO real. But somehow it's like it just dissolved. It fizzled out. It went away. I can talk very casual about it and be okay. But I stop there. If I let my mind and my heart get together, the conversation wouldn't be so casual anymore

With starting our new round of IVF, I'm scared I won't emotionally handle it as well as I did the first time. For many reasons... for one, my hormones are still trying to get back to normal from a pregnancy and I'm throwing them off almost immediately. And two, this could possibly be the last time we ever try for our children. Months ago, I was okay with this. Or at least I thought I was. My heart still breaks when I see or hear of kids who are of in need. And I wonder, is that my sign for adoption? Or maybe that's just a normal response. Right now, I need that bump. I need that pregnancy. I need that baby. I need to feel like me again. I need to not cry when typing that. I need to feel strong. I need to not feel broken. I pray for strength, I pray for peace of mind and heart, I pray to feel like me again, I pray to handle this next round of IVF like a champ, I pray for understanding and I pray for a healthy baby

Sorry this is so short. I'm not sure what I'm trying to really even say here. I guess I just feel sad, and weak and I wanted to write to see if I felt better. But I don't. Maybe I just need to let the emotion take over for a bit. Maybe I need to let myself feel the pain, instead of trying to just get past it. I read a quote the other night that has really stuck with me the last few days...."I'm exhausted from trying to be stronger than I feel" I feel like such a downer right now. Especially with Thanksgiving coming up. I'm so blessed and so thankful for so much. But I can't help how I feel right now. Trust me, I wish I could change it

I feel like I am going to lose it. And soon. Let me just warn you... if you are going to have a renovation done at your house, MOVE OUT and don't be pregnant, or going through IVF or a miscarriage while the reno is being done

Our house is something that I can control. For the most part. I can control the decorating. I can control the cleanliness. I can control who is here and when. But right now, all of that is out of my control. There are men working at all hours of the day. On days off, I have to wake up very early still and shower and get ready, and then sit and enjoy some coffee and catch up on my shows or get things done. I have to do this because I am always told "so and so will there at your house between 8-10." Now, do you think that even ONE DAY that ANYONE has showed up at 8am??? NOPE!!! But, the day that I DON'T take a shower and get ready by 8am, will be the day someone gets here then. Don't get me wrong, I am so grateful that we will have a new, gorgeous bathroom. BUT. This is just poor timing. The fact that we were basically forced into the renovation is aggravating, but the fact that the ONE THING that I could control (our house) is now added to the list of things OUT OF MY CONTROL

Control freak? No. Not really. Depends on what we are talking about. But when you are experiencing infertility, something that is so out of your control, you look for SOMETHING to be able to control. My hormones are trying to stabilize and I am trying so hard to be strong. I have not really grieved our loss very much. Sort of hard when there's strange men in your house 6/7 days a week. I'm trying to be myself as much as possible still. But holding it all in may be coming back to get me. Trying to be strong and happy may be working against me. I feel like my temper has been quick to fire. I don't like being like that. I feel like I could probably cry very easily if the right (or wrong) prompt came about

Sorry for my rant. This dust is just getting to me. The filth. The chaos. Just when our house was coming together, we had to move everything around again. I like for everything to have a home. If it doesn't, I donate it. Right now, everything feels out of place. Hopefully only a few more weeks. I can't wait to show the before and after pictures. They have all been working really hard. It is going to look beautiful. I just need to keep my eye on the prize. I can do this!

That sting? It's jealousy. It's jealousy that hits when I see posts about baby girls being born or a gender reveal revealing a baby girl. I don't know why. Honestly, I had always pictured myself with a baby boy. We have the name, it's special to us and baby boys love their mamas. But. Ever since we found out that our third baby was a girl, I'm stuck. I'm jealous. I'm sad. And I don't want to feel this way. I have so much to be thankful for. Yes, we are having trouble having a baby, but otherwise, I am blessed. More than I should be. After all we have been through, the sex doesn't matter. A healthy baby is the ultimate and only goal. But again, the image of a girl pops into my head immediately when I type that. My husband with a baby girl. I tear up thinking about it. A daddy's girl. Picturing my husband craddling our baby girl, my heart is full. No matter what the gender, he will be the best daddy ever. But there is just something about a daddy-daughter relationship that is undeniable

When I was a little girl, I would sit on my dad's shoulders while he mowed the yard. How? I'm not sure. I'm not sure how he was able to do both, but he did. He gave me a necklace that said "daddy's girl" on it. One day, we (and I use that term loosely) were mowing the yard and my necklace must have fallen off during that time. That was the first time I ever recall my heart feeling like it was in my feet. I searched our front yard forever. I couldn't find it. I never did find it. Every once in a while, I think back to that day. My mom helped me look for it, but I guess the lawn mower ate it :/

I always pictured my husband with a son. Until I saw pictures from our wedding. His sister's best friend's daughter was at our reception. In the picture, my husband was wearing his blue seersucker suit, squatting down next to the most precious little girl; blond curls, light blue dress. She could have passed for his own. That was the first time I ever saw my husband "coordinating" with a baby girl. A baby girl that so resembled what I picture our own to look like. Ever since then, my heart yearns for my husband to have a baby girl

Please don't get me wrong. I have tons of images of life with a baby boy too. And trust me, if when we get to that point where we have a healthy baby and we find out the gender, it will not matter if it is a boy or girl. But I'm human. And a girl. And as a girl, you can't help but envision your future. No matter what you've been through. You STILL have visions. I will be OVERJOYED by the fact that we have a healthy baby. All I'm saying, is that the "sting" that I blogged about in my last post, happens to be when baby girls are involved

We are not sure what our next step will be. Probably one more round of IVF. We need to meet with Dr.J and figure out a plan. We need to pray. What is the best direction for us to go next? At this point, I'm not sure how to "trust" that "sign" because I have misinterpreted so badly in the past. But what our plan is, I know, it WILL be revealed....

What. A. Week. We had our follow up ultrasound, and there was no little heart beating on the screen and the baby hadn't changed in size. So I had yet another D&C. It's sad when you don't need all the pre-op instructions anymore because it's not your first rodeo, or second, it's your third (3 D&Cs and 1 natural) But we are making it through it, again.

I don't think it has really hit me yet. My symptoms MAY have been starting to dwindle but for the most part, I still felt very much pregnant up until the surgery. My belly still swells with eating (although not as much now), it is still uncomfortable to lay on my stomach to sleep and I still find myself holding onto my stomach. I'm not sure if having the week to prepare ourselves helped with the transition, or if it is because we have been through this so many times, or maybe, it is God just doing what we prayed for; giving us strength to handle this situation. I'm sure the sting will come. Those would-be milestones usually sting a bit. But for now, we are doing okay

I told Kip last night, even though we should probably be realllly sad right now, I'm not. We are blessed in so many other ways. I know we will get our baby, one way or the other. The Lord wouldn't have put this strong desire of mommyhood in my heart if He wasn't going to fulfill it. Although, I am really confused by how He is planning on fulfilling it. My frustration lies here: mentally, I was so prepared and ready for adoption. I had come to terms with a baby not biologically being our own. I was at peace with not knowing what our biological child would look like, or who he or she would act like. I was okay with not being pregnant to bring our child into this world. And now. Now I have taken 1000000000000 steps backwards. Now, I have yearning again for all of those things! We got to have that baby in our lives for 11 weeks. We got to daydream about all of those things. To a certain degree of course. You don't truly let your mind go there when you have been through what we have. But still. Now we are starting over

Since I last blogged, life has been busy. I continued to work to keep my mind occupied, I cut off all of my hair, I have gotten to spend some really great time with my very best friend and the love of my life.

excuse my awkwardness, I don't do selfies on the regular

We have done some retail therapy with buying things for the house, we have enjoyed our fire pit (finally! we have had it for 2 years, sitting in the box, waiting to be put together) we have laughed, we have cried, we have cooked together and we have been completely filled with love and support. We truly have the best families and friends. The flowers, the cards, the texted prayers, the phone calls and the silent prayers, we have felt them all. We are so blessed. We are so thankful.

I have a lamp obsession. And it isn't getting better and I'm okay with that

Beautiful flowers we have received 

Right now, I am sitting under a blanket, sipping on coffee, listening to the rain and a fire crackling. These are the types of days that I love. Most people don't like the rain. But I do. I love to be cozy, and to me, the rain is cozy (don't get me wrong, if I am at the beach, there better not be a cloud in the sky) but in the fall and the winter, I don't like to look outside and see what appears to be a warm, sunny day, only to walk outside and it be freezing. If it is cool or cold, I want the clouds, and the rain, or the snow! That is the beautiful part about living in North Carolina, the seasons and the changes of weather

PS- it is not cold here at all. It is actually warmer than usual right now. And I'm sweating. But I love the idea of it being cold, sitting under a blanket and sipping coffee, so I'm pretending that it is cold ;)