Forgive me, this will probably be short; but I wanted to update you all on the progress of our little chickadees. We were told on Sunday that we had 5 embryos...2 were good, 2 were average and 1 was below average... okay, I can stomach that......

Today, we were told that of the 5, only 1 was biopsied today. There is another one that is looking pretty good for biopsy tomorrow, but the other 3 probably won't make much further. I keep telling myself "it only takes 1" Since our last IVF round, I have prayed and prayed for at least just 1 healthy biological baby. Of course, I would LOVE to have our 3 children that I always envisioned in my life. But it's not looking like that is going to be at all the way I imagined it. Yes, we still may get our 3, but it just might not be from us. BUT, I REALLLLLLLLLY pray that we can have at least just 1 that is biological

I feel so weird. I feel nothing. I feel flatlined. How do you know the difference between trusting your gut and having a good feeling that you will have at least 1 healthy one versus just wanting something so badly that you just "feel good" about it but really the feeling is not accurate? Pray. Pray. Pray. Pray. That is all I can do. That is all that is in my control. We are still praying for our Christmas miracle. The biopsied cells won't be sent off until January 4, 2016. From there, it will take 2-3 days for results. Deep down, I'm glad we won't find out results before Christmas

Again, I apologize for the short entry. I worked 12 hours yesterday and today and MAN my body is having a HARD time adjusting to those hours again. Thank goodness I go back to my 8 hour days tomorrow. I probably won't post again before Christmas, so Merry Christmas friends. I hope it is a wonderful one. We will be sweating in 70 degree weather....boo!!!!

I'm here! I apologize for the silence over the last few weeks. I have been working like crazy and time has just been flying. We finished out second round of IVF already. That was fast! Although it didn't really feel that fast going through it. This time was so different.

One would think that the first time would be more difficult. Not for me. This second one was the difficult one for me. Maybe it was because we went into it so quickly after our last miscarriage, maybe it was because this is my favorite time of year and it was sort of dampened by construction and shots, or maybe it was because I'm seeing the glass as half empty at this point rather than half full. If it is the latter, I'm not digging this side of me. Going through infertility, you have to stay positive.  Otherwise, it will beat you down. Ever since my trigger shot, I have just broken down in tears so easily. Let me recap the last 2 weeks for you.....

I started my shots while visiting our family in DC. If you remember from my last post, I was concerned about our 4 year old niece wanting to watch me do my injections, I was correct. We tried to distract her otherwise, but she is a smart little girl. She caught on and insisted on watching. "Why are you doing them in your tummy instead of your arm?" she asked so innocently. Followed by asking her mommy "mommy, are you going to give yourself shots too?" No sweet girl, this is not the norm, and I pray that you never ever have to experience giving yourself shots. Anyways, we started out with 25 follicles. Awesome! I thought....and as the days went on, my ovaries felt like they had a heartbeat. I felt like they were pulsating with every step I took. My ovaries were "taking a while to wake up" after our recent miscarriage. My doctor was really careful not to overstimulate me this time. I got pretty close the last time to being overstimulated

Just a couple of girls, hanging out in their Christmas pjs :) 

Gosh, I miss that sweet girl

Yesterday was my egg retrieval. I tell you what, I have been soo tired the last few weeks between working overtime and taking these shots, I went into quite the (welcome... don't judge me) fentanyl and versed slumber. Retrieved, 18 eggs. Fertilized, only 8. By today, only 5 are growing normal. I feel a little disheartened. I know, those numbers are better than some people and I should be grateful. And I am. But I am scared too. Last time, we had 20 eggs retrieved, 15 fertilized, 11 grew normal at first and we ultimately ended up with 6 embryos that were biopsied. When you are doing this for the "numbers" like we are, only starting out with 5 is scary. But all it takes is one. All I have been praying for is at least ONE healthy embryo. I have felt so weak this whole time. I felt so strong the first time. I felt like I was dominating IVF. This time, I sort of have felt more sorry for myself. And I can't stand that. I don't want others to feel sorry for me, so why should I feel sorry for myself?

This whole second time, the shots have stung so much worse. The needles have been injected almost apprehensively by myself (the last day, I literally felt sick to my stomach after giving myself my ganirelix shot...the needle is dull and I went for it way too slow) Needless to say, I'm glad they are done. My trigger shot was so much worse this time around too. The actual injection, painless like last time. But what was different... I didn't work the next day after the trigger shot the last time, this time, I did. My poor co-worker, she took my day of complaining like a champ. She told me I was fine and I deserved to complain. The site really was pretty gnarly this time and got worse as the day went on. I'm not sure why (who am I kidding, I do know why) I have been so emotional the last few days.... my hormones have gone crazy! They have been on a roller coaster the last few months

At this point, I'm not sure what to think. I have just been going through the motions it feels like. Not really thinking about anything too deeply. Tonight, Kip said that he is a little bummed and scared about the numbers as well. But he has that glass half full mentality still. He has reminded me that we always have adoption as an option. And I know this too. I just have to get my head back there. I truly just don't even know what to think right now. We should find out right before or right after Christmas what the chromosome results are. Right now, we are praying for a MAJOR Christmas miracle

BRING ON THE WINE! Kidding, sort of. I know that things could be A LOT worse. My family has their health, we have a roof over our heads as it has now rained for 2 straight days and we have heat that is warming our house. BUT GOOD GOSH. I just can't take any more surprises. Bad surprises that is...

For the most part, construction is coming along. We have lost a few days here and there, but otherwise we are trucking along. Tile is DONE, painting is starting tomorrow. BUT, tonight, we realized that the sink pipe in our NEW BATHROOM is leaking. YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!!!!!!!!!!!! Water, on the brand new floor, with the grout that was just done yesterday. THANK GOODNESS our contractor is wonderful and responds anytime, day or night that I text or call him. The news wasn't the worst thing ever that he delivered tonight, but let's just say we are now running out of sink options to be using. He thinks the hall bathroom sink is lined up with our bedroom sink and when we are using the hall bath sink, it is causing the other pipe to leak. He is sending a plumber out first thing in the morning to check it out. Let me just insert something here though... "first thing" in the contracting world, means no earlier than 8am. But when I clarified with him the time, he meant 9am. Now, for someone who leaves her house at 6am for work, 8 or 9 or 10am is NOT first thing. Rarely do the workers show up before 10am. Now, all supplies are already at our house. I always get a phone call the day before telling me that "so and so will be there between 8 and 10" WHAT ARE THEY DOING FOR THOSE 2 HOURS?!?!?!?!?!?! Not getting supplies!

There are 3 of us in a row that are having work done to our houses. We have all decided that Christmas is cancelled for 2016. It is really hard to do your normal stuff when there are people in your house and the dust factor is.... WHOAAAAAAA. Normally, we get our Christmas tree on black Friday and I decorate that day as well. This year, I refused a tree or decorating until the bathroom was finished. I didn't want yet another object to become a dust collector. HOWEVER, on Sunday, coming home from being with Kip's family for Thanksgiving, I broke down. We were in the car, on the highway and those silent tears started streaming. I couldn't pinpoint what was upsetting me. I think I just felt overwhelmed. With everything. And sad. This is MY FAVORITE time of year. Seriously! I can't get enough of Christmas time. And I feel like it is being taken away from me because of this construction and I have a deep dwelling fear that we could be receiving devastating news right before Christmas...

I go on Friday for my baseline blood work and US. I have been taking birth control for the last week. Tomorrow is my last day of that. Depending on my appointment Friday, I could begin administering shots Friday night. This should be interesting, we are going to visit Kip's sister and her family over the weekend and to celebrate our nephew's 3rd birthday. I am going to have to give my shots to myself while there. I'm nervous that our niece will wonder why in the world I am giving myself shots. Do we explain to her why? And if we say "we are trying to have a baby" or something to that degree, what if she asks where babies come from and then we have a whole new can of worms open and I hate to do that to my sis and bro in-law! This little girl doesn't really skip a beat though, and she is curious, and has already said she wants to be a doctor. I feel like she would take genuine interest in seeing these shots administered. Man, I am such a worrier sometimes

Tomorrow, December 2, 2015, is due due date of baby number 2. Once again, we should be celebrating a 1st birthday. I think that even though I may not feel the crushing heart feeling of sadness, it's there subconsciously. I've been getting pretty emotional and quick to temper. Today at work, a doctor was so rude to me that I swear the good Lord above came down and stopped me from jumping over the desk and putting her in her place. In 5 1/2 years of being a nurse, this is only my 3rd time experiencing this type of rudeness from a doc. Normally, we get along great! But this lady, she had a complex, she was trying to prove herself I believe. Well, she proved to be a real biddy and I planned on telling her to never be so disrespectful to me ever again if I saw her again after cooling down from her rude comment

Okay, so my ADD kicked in and I never finished our car ride story. Anyways, my sweet, loving, thoughtful husband noticed the tears streaming down my face and knew exactly what would cheer me up. Christmas music. He turned it on, and after a few minutes, asked if I wanted to get our Christmas tree when we got home. Duh! Of course! That music turned my mood right around and we got our tree and now, as I type this blog, I can stare at her beauty and remember the true meaning of this holiday. And as I stare at her twinkling lights, I know that our God is a great one and that His timing is the best and He will bless us when it is our time. And He is with me, with us, in the good times and the bad. And when I am feeling sad or down, I can look at that tree and be reminded of these things. And when I am not at home, I have a picture on my phone of it that I can look at for a reminder

Now, are you ready for a picture overload? Because here is comes....

First off, I really miss these 3 sweet, precious boys....

And I can't wait to see these 2 precious munchkins this weekend...

Sorry for the ranting and raving at the beginning of this post. I truly am grateful that we are able to even do these renovations to our bathroom. But I will be even more grateful when they are done! I will leave y'all with one final picture, our Christmas tree. My current happy place

She isn't decorated with ornaments yet. Except for 2. Kip and I have a tradition that each year, we give each other an ornament that reminds us of the other person. At first, we did it to jump start our ornament collection, but we have continued it through the years. At first, it was easy. Now, over the years, all of the obvious ones have been gifted already. Now, we really have to think about it and it is a good reminder of the things we love about each other. Each year, the night we put our tree up, we give each other our ornaments. From there, the next night, we fully decorate. We put a date somewhere discreet on each one. The hope is, one day, our children will cherish these as well as the tradition as much as we do (and lets be real, after we are gone, we want them to fight over them!)

Where did my strength go? And how did it go so quickly? How can I be okay all day and then the smallest little thing set me off? This is not me. Hormones I guess? I'm going to blame it on that anyways. It's so strange; this last pregnancy. It was SO real. But somehow it's like it just dissolved. It fizzled out. It went away. I can talk very casual about it and be okay. But I stop there. If I let my mind and my heart get together, the conversation wouldn't be so casual anymore

With starting our new round of IVF, I'm scared I won't emotionally handle it as well as I did the first time. For many reasons... for one, my hormones are still trying to get back to normal from a pregnancy and I'm throwing them off almost immediately. And two, this could possibly be the last time we ever try for our children. Months ago, I was okay with this. Or at least I thought I was. My heart still breaks when I see or hear of kids who are of in need. And I wonder, is that my sign for adoption? Or maybe that's just a normal response. Right now, I need that bump. I need that pregnancy. I need that baby. I need to feel like me again. I need to not cry when typing that. I need to feel strong. I need to not feel broken. I pray for strength, I pray for peace of mind and heart, I pray to feel like me again, I pray to handle this next round of IVF like a champ, I pray for understanding and I pray for a healthy baby

Sorry this is so short. I'm not sure what I'm trying to really even say here. I guess I just feel sad, and weak and I wanted to write to see if I felt better. But I don't. Maybe I just need to let the emotion take over for a bit. Maybe I need to let myself feel the pain, instead of trying to just get past it. I read a quote the other night that has really stuck with me the last few days...."I'm exhausted from trying to be stronger than I feel" I feel like such a downer right now. Especially with Thanksgiving coming up. I'm so blessed and so thankful for so much. But I can't help how I feel right now. Trust me, I wish I could change it

I feel like I am going to lose it. And soon. Let me just warn you... if you are going to have a renovation done at your house, MOVE OUT and don't be pregnant, or going through IVF or a miscarriage while the reno is being done

Our house is something that I can control. For the most part. I can control the decorating. I can control the cleanliness. I can control who is here and when. But right now, all of that is out of my control. There are men working at all hours of the day. On days off, I have to wake up very early still and shower and get ready, and then sit and enjoy some coffee and catch up on my shows or get things done. I have to do this because I am always told "so and so will there at your house between 8-10." Now, do you think that even ONE DAY that ANYONE has showed up at 8am??? NOPE!!! But, the day that I DON'T take a shower and get ready by 8am, will be the day someone gets here then. Don't get me wrong, I am so grateful that we will have a new, gorgeous bathroom. BUT. This is just poor timing. The fact that we were basically forced into the renovation is aggravating, but the fact that the ONE THING that I could control (our house) is now added to the list of things OUT OF MY CONTROL

Control freak? No. Not really. Depends on what we are talking about. But when you are experiencing infertility, something that is so out of your control, you look for SOMETHING to be able to control. My hormones are trying to stabilize and I am trying so hard to be strong. I have not really grieved our loss very much. Sort of hard when there's strange men in your house 6/7 days a week. I'm trying to be myself as much as possible still. But holding it all in may be coming back to get me. Trying to be strong and happy may be working against me. I feel like my temper has been quick to fire. I don't like being like that. I feel like I could probably cry very easily if the right (or wrong) prompt came about

Sorry for my rant. This dust is just getting to me. The filth. The chaos. Just when our house was coming together, we had to move everything around again. I like for everything to have a home. If it doesn't, I donate it. Right now, everything feels out of place. Hopefully only a few more weeks. I can't wait to show the before and after pictures. They have all been working really hard. It is going to look beautiful. I just need to keep my eye on the prize. I can do this!

That sting? It's jealousy. It's jealousy that hits when I see posts about baby girls being born or a gender reveal revealing a baby girl. I don't know why. Honestly, I had always pictured myself with a baby boy. We have the name, it's special to us and baby boys love their mamas. But. Ever since we found out that our third baby was a girl, I'm stuck. I'm jealous. I'm sad. And I don't want to feel this way. I have so much to be thankful for. Yes, we are having trouble having a baby, but otherwise, I am blessed. More than I should be. After all we have been through, the sex doesn't matter. A healthy baby is the ultimate and only goal. But again, the image of a girl pops into my head immediately when I type that. My husband with a baby girl. I tear up thinking about it. A daddy's girl. Picturing my husband craddling our baby girl, my heart is full. No matter what the gender, he will be the best daddy ever. But there is just something about a daddy-daughter relationship that is undeniable

When I was a little girl, I would sit on my dad's shoulders while he mowed the yard. How? I'm not sure. I'm not sure how he was able to do both, but he did. He gave me a necklace that said "daddy's girl" on it. One day, we (and I use that term loosely) were mowing the yard and my necklace must have fallen off during that time. That was the first time I ever recall my heart feeling like it was in my feet. I searched our front yard forever. I couldn't find it. I never did find it. Every once in a while, I think back to that day. My mom helped me look for it, but I guess the lawn mower ate it :/

I always pictured my husband with a son. Until I saw pictures from our wedding. His sister's best friend's daughter was at our reception. In the picture, my husband was wearing his blue seersucker suit, squatting down next to the most precious little girl; blond curls, light blue dress. She could have passed for his own. That was the first time I ever saw my husband "coordinating" with a baby girl. A baby girl that so resembled what I picture our own to look like. Ever since then, my heart yearns for my husband to have a baby girl

Please don't get me wrong. I have tons of images of life with a baby boy too. And trust me, if when we get to that point where we have a healthy baby and we find out the gender, it will not matter if it is a boy or girl. But I'm human. And a girl. And as a girl, you can't help but envision your future. No matter what you've been through. You STILL have visions. I will be OVERJOYED by the fact that we have a healthy baby. All I'm saying, is that the "sting" that I blogged about in my last post, happens to be when baby girls are involved

We are not sure what our next step will be. Probably one more round of IVF. We need to meet with Dr.J and figure out a plan. We need to pray. What is the best direction for us to go next? At this point, I'm not sure how to "trust" that "sign" because I have misinterpreted so badly in the past. But what our plan is, I know, it WILL be revealed....

What. A. Week. We had our follow up ultrasound, and there was no little heart beating on the screen and the baby hadn't changed in size. So I had yet another D&C. It's sad when you don't need all the pre-op instructions anymore because it's not your first rodeo, or second, it's your third (3 D&Cs and 1 natural) But we are making it through it, again.

I don't think it has really hit me yet. My symptoms MAY have been starting to dwindle but for the most part, I still felt very much pregnant up until the surgery. My belly still swells with eating (although not as much now), it is still uncomfortable to lay on my stomach to sleep and I still find myself holding onto my stomach. I'm not sure if having the week to prepare ourselves helped with the transition, or if it is because we have been through this so many times, or maybe, it is God just doing what we prayed for; giving us strength to handle this situation. I'm sure the sting will come. Those would-be milestones usually sting a bit. But for now, we are doing okay

I told Kip last night, even though we should probably be realllly sad right now, I'm not. We are blessed in so many other ways. I know we will get our baby, one way or the other. The Lord wouldn't have put this strong desire of mommyhood in my heart if He wasn't going to fulfill it. Although, I am really confused by how He is planning on fulfilling it. My frustration lies here: mentally, I was so prepared and ready for adoption. I had come to terms with a baby not biologically being our own. I was at peace with not knowing what our biological child would look like, or who he or she would act like. I was okay with not being pregnant to bring our child into this world. And now. Now I have taken 1000000000000 steps backwards. Now, I have yearning again for all of those things! We got to have that baby in our lives for 11 weeks. We got to daydream about all of those things. To a certain degree of course. You don't truly let your mind go there when you have been through what we have. But still. Now we are starting over

Since I last blogged, life has been busy. I continued to work to keep my mind occupied, I cut off all of my hair, I have gotten to spend some really great time with my very best friend and the love of my life.

excuse my awkwardness, I don't do selfies on the regular

We have done some retail therapy with buying things for the house, we have enjoyed our fire pit (finally! we have had it for 2 years, sitting in the box, waiting to be put together) we have laughed, we have cried, we have cooked together and we have been completely filled with love and support. We truly have the best families and friends. The flowers, the cards, the texted prayers, the phone calls and the silent prayers, we have felt them all. We are so blessed. We are so thankful.

I have a lamp obsession. And it isn't getting better and I'm okay with that

Beautiful flowers we have received 

Right now, I am sitting under a blanket, sipping on coffee, listening to the rain and a fire crackling. These are the types of days that I love. Most people don't like the rain. But I do. I love to be cozy, and to me, the rain is cozy (don't get me wrong, if I am at the beach, there better not be a cloud in the sky) but in the fall and the winter, I don't like to look outside and see what appears to be a warm, sunny day, only to walk outside and it be freezing. If it is cool or cold, I want the clouds, and the rain, or the snow! That is the beautiful part about living in North Carolina, the seasons and the changes of weather

PS- it is not cold here at all. It is actually warmer than usual right now. And I'm sweating. But I love the idea of it being cold, sitting under a blanket and sipping coffee, so I'm pretending that it is cold ;)

Still here! I apologize for the lack of posts, again. Y'all, I have been just trying to make it to today, October 30, 2015. I have been waiting to make it to today to scream from the rooftops, "I'M PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!!!!" Except, something happened. Let's start from the beginning....

We were at the beach with Kip's family and we were to return home to begin IVF cycle #2. Welllllllll, God had a different plan. I was pregnant again instead! I kept holding off on taking a test because my cycle was thrown off the prior month from the IVF treatments I guess. I kept thinking maybe September was the same. One of my days off, I took a 2.5 hour nap on the sofa. SO NOT ME! That sent up a red flag, but I still waited. On a Thursday, I was driving and I could have KILLED for this delicious rosemary trail mix that they sell locally here. A craving like that can only mean one thing.... my eggo is preggo.  I stopped into the Dollar Tree to grab a few pregnancy tests. Yep, I buy my test from the Dollar Tree. I learned in nursing school that they are just as good as all the other (expensive) brands out there! Anyways, I got home and decided to take one. I wasn't expecting it to show anything, it was the afternoon [not morning like they say you should test] and I didn't have any symptoms really other than being a little extra tired. Honestly, I thought the sleepiness was catching up to me from not drinking caffeine through the day anymore doing our 100 day food challenge. Sorry, I keep getting off track. Refocused. I took the test and (TMI) before I could even stand up, that sucker had 2 dark lines starring me in the face. I was terrified. Kip was going to be home in about 30 minutes at that point so I laid the test down where I knew he would see it right when he got home and I sat on the sofa and began to pray. And cry.Not a sad cry of course. Just a scared one. This baby was conceived naturally and so we had no way of knowing if there were healthy chromosomes or not. Kip got home, he saw the test, he was cautiously excited and then we called our parents. It's sad when you can't get fully excited about a pregnancy. It's sad when you have to reserve your feelings because you know the pain all too well of letting that excitement shine. Miscarriages don't just effect us, they effect our families too

I had to tell soooooo many people at work. With my new job, I am around LOTS of radiology equipment. I had to make sure our little nugget wasn't getting zapped. Each week, people would ask me, "hanging in there?" and each week I was getting to say "yes." FINALLY! I have never been as hungry in my life as what I have been the last month and a half. I've gained nearly 10 lbs already! Buffalo sauce, ranch and bacon were my jam for weeks. One night, my poor husband, was served frozen chicken tenders, frozen french fries and a salad for dinner. He looked at me and said "I guess we are officially off of the 100 days?" And yes, we have been. This baby has wanted nothing to do with anything healthy. I take that back, broccoli and granny smith apples have also been my jam. I pulled a muscle in my back throwing up one day. Pathetic! That was embarrassing calling into work and telling them. I couldn't work though. You can't push beds around a hospital with a pulled muscle and not able to take any anti-inflammatories on top of that. So I laid on the heating pad and watched Gilmore Girls all day. It was actually quite lovely

This whole time I have been praying my heart out. We all have. I have felt very much at ease throughout this pregnancy. That was God. This morning, I laid in bed and had a loooong prayer/convo with God. Today was the day that my "ignorance is bliss" moment could come crumbling down. But I was confident. I felt like this was the one. So many of our family members did too. In the past, I have started to lose symptoms before our ultrasounds. Not this time. NOTHING had changed. At the doctor's office this morning, the set up has changed. First, you have to have a doppler performed to listen for the baby's heartbeat. Insurance companies are requiring it now (don't even get me started on that) and of course, we couldn't hear anything. It was too early to hear a heart beating with a doppler. That isn't until you are 12-14 weeks. This week, I was 10 weeks. The furthest we have ever made it. Not hearing that heart beating [even though it wasn't expected that we would be able to anyways] got my nerves going. The ultrasound tech comes in next. She feels confident that everything will be okay once she starts the ultrasound. Silence. And then she asks "you said you did a round of IVF?" and I told her "yes" but that baby was not implanted via IVF. Silence. Silence from the US tech is never a good thing. Learned that one many moons ago. She kept looking and measuring. I couldn't look at the screen. Finally, I did. I saw a little something and felt slightly relieved but that was immediately overtaken by nerves again because I didn't see that little flicker on the screen. I didn't see that precious little heart beating. I asked her if there was no heart beat and she just looked at me and said "I'm sorry, I really was hoping to be able to give you good news today." Tears. We talked to the doctor, who was fabulous by the way. He was stumped. The baby was only measuring 6 weeks. I should be 10 weeks. We should see a heart beating by this point, but we didn't. But I also haven't lost ANY symptoms. I go to bed (into a coma-like state) at 8pm these days, I feel nauseated when I get hungry and then nausea hits when I eat too much, I have the baby induced boob job thing going on (which I love by the way! Don't judge!) and my stomach gets sooooo bloated that by night time I look 5 month pregnant and I even did a little research on symptoms of twins. I'm talking, I couldn't even hide my bump type bump. So the doctor told us that we could go home and think about it. We didn't have to decide anything right then. So we have. We have come to the conclusion that we will have a D&C next week. Prior to that, the doctor is going to perform one last US to make sure nothing has changed. We are trying to not fill ourselves with false hope. But what if there could be a miracle??? I can't help but to think it. I can't help but to hold onto that little bit of hope. Especially since I still have all of my symptoms

I think I have still been in shock. Driving home, I asked God "why?" I prayed that if we were not going to have a good US today, please send some sort of warning sign. Please don't let us be blind sided. But we were. But He is a Mighty God, and what if that baby has a heart beat next week and that is why He didn't give us any warning signs? Maybe because it isn't over!? That's denial speaking right there. But also faith. This next week, I am still going to pray for our baby. How can I not? That mama bear instinct kicks in as soon as those 2 lines show up. So! That my friends is why I haven't been blogging. I have been sleeping and eating. And kind of avoiding my blog so I wouldn't slip up and spill the beans too early. I had imagined posting a picture of Kip, me and our US picture today to announce to you all our wonderful news. But God has other plans that I REALLLLLLY wish he would reveal to us

Oh yeah, to top it all off.... I had to go straight to the hospital to get my flu shot after all of that. Tomorrow is the deadline and we get terminated if we don't receive the shot. I was waiting until today after our US to get it. Thinking I wouldn't be crying in the chair because the questionnaire asked me if I was pregnant. But oh well. The nurse gave me a hug and told me she would be praying for us

For now, I am going to try and remind myself of this:

Hello again! I can't believe a month has gone by since I last posted anything; where did time go!!!??? I seriously couldn't even tell you what I have been doing to be soo busy, but I have been soo busy! We are FINALLY starting demo on our bathroom Monday. I will post some pictures of it before so we can go back and look at the difference once it is completed..... although that feels like a task that will never occur....

I also started a new job. I am still in ICU, but now I transport the patients to any scan or procedure they need. I stay with them, manage their care while off the unit and then return them to their room and go get the next one. I LOVE it! I still get my ICU experience (can't help it, I'm addicted) but I don't have to deal with all of the other stressors that you encounter being the bedside nurse for 12 hours. Oh yeah, I also only work 8 hours a day, 4 days a week. I have a LIFE now! I don't have to come home, rush to shower and cook dinner and go straight to bed. Instead, I get to come home, shower (that is a must with all of the yucky stuff you encounter in the hospital) and then I can do WHATEVER I WANT for a few hours before I have to cook dinner. The other night, we got to eat at 6:30, we watched Aladin and by 8pm we were looking at each other like "what now?" 8pm is usually our dinner time (or 8:30pm) if I have been working and depending on how elaborate our meal for the night is. This may not seem like much to many of you, but if you are in the medical field, you understand the struggle and how amazing this new schedule actually is :)

We are still working on getting our house together. If you asked me in April, if our house would still need some TLC in October, I would have laughed at you. It is amazing though how much time and MONEY you need to put into your house. Before, we have always rented. We weren't sure where we would end up with Kip's job (we still don't know, but praying to stay here) Anyways, I guess you don't have as MUCH pride in the house when you are renting as you do when you own it. For instance, before, I didn't stress over the landscaping of our previous houses. Here, I stress. We don't want to be "that neighbor" who has the bad yard! It rained here for weeks and put us behind in our plans for our landscaping. Now, it's football season. Which means I don't have a husband on Saturday afternoons. Sort of puts a damper on my honey-do lists. I can't complain too much though, he really does help me out around here quite often

My Kipper, he has become quite the handy man :) 

Meanwhile, I have been supervising ;) J/k, kind of. I really have supervised; especially when a ladder is involved. But when the weather starts turning chilly, and it rains for 3 weeks straight, I love nothing more than to be in my cozy pjs and under a blanket

Well, that has been our life lately! See, nothing much going on, but somehow really busy! Is it just me or has the month of October flown by?? I can't lie though, Christmas time is MY ABSOLUTE FAVORITE TIME OF THE YEAR and once November starts, Christmas basically starts for me. I love how happy everyone is this time of year. I love how warm and inviting all the stores are. I love the smells of Christmas. I love the smell of cooler weather in the air. I love sweaters and boots. I love turning the heat on and feeling cozy inside. I am also very thankful and blessed that I have a warm shelter over my head. I have been praying for those less fortunate as the nights have turned colder, earlier here this year. Hope everyone enjoys their Saturday! Oh yeah, the other great part about my new job.... NO MORE WEEKENDS!!! WAHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

Did you think I had forgotten all about this blog?? Sorry for the weeks of silence, it has been crazy town around here! Right after we got home from the beach, we went straight into work mode, laundry mode and well, life I guess! Kip is at a dinner for work tonight so I thought this would be a great time to sit down and write. Get ready for another picture overload. I thought I would do a little recap from the beach and life lately. So here we go!

The beach was fabulous. I need my emojis with the smiley face and heart eyes. To me, that is how you describe fabulous in emoji language. Sorry. ADD. Okay, so the beach. Thank goodness tropical storm Erica didn't mess up our week. We were afraid she was going to at first. We were at the beach for 11 days and only lost a day and a half due to rain. Not too shabby. The weekend started off....with a bang. Of poop that is. The 2 little ones had upset tummies for the majority of the trip. Poor little guys. It's hard to be on vacation with the runs and everybody eating delicious food around you and you can only eat the BRAT diet. They were great sports about it though. A little sand, sun and ocean water as a distraction doesn't hurt

We don't get to see our niece and nephew from DC very much. We FaceTime, but we don't much ACTUAL face time. They are 4 yrs old and 2.5 yrs old. It was so much fun to see their little personalities and truly get to interact with them

This little girl. She is precious. She gives the most genuine hugs. You can be across the room and she will look you straight in the eye, you know she is coming for you, and she will deliver the biggest, most genuine hug I've ever received from a child. She has a sweet soul. A sweet voice. Is ALL girl. Everyday when we would go inside for lunch, she would shower, put on a pretty dress, brush her hair and then make her debut to everyone upstairs. You could see her imagination going; she was a princess or a ballerina in a beautiful gown. And she has cute clothes. Like, I'm kind of jealous of some of them ;) 

Seriously, my heart melts

See that smile? It is going to get him very far in life. This little love muffin can be the sweetest boy in the whole wide world. And he can be a 2 yr old boy who just wants to haul off and hit his sissy, and then love her. He can literally do something wrong, but then opens his mouth with that sweet voice or will shoot ya a big fat grin and you forget that he did something wrong and your heart melts. His voice, literally, completely adorable. Every once in a while, I would hear him randomly call my name, I would go see what he wanted, and sometimes it would be to show me something, but sometimes, he was just keeping tabs on where every body was. I'm in trouble if we have one like this. A mama's boy for sure. 

A picture is worth a thousand words. That foot went into the plate. Sour cream EVERYWHERE. 

That ocean may as well be the puddle from my heart melting again. My husband is going to be the best daddy in the world

For Labor Day, all the neighbors on the street at the beach rent a huge water slide that is fun for all ages. This is my main buddy Cole. When I met this kid, he was 4 years old. Now, he is turning 9 on Friday!!!! Where does time go! My brother's name is also Cole and so we used to refer to my brother as "big Cole" and this Cole as "little Cole." Well. He informed us (a few years ago) he is "medium Cole" and now, he is working his way to being "big Cole." I used to hold him like a baby, now, he is almost my size! We have dance parties together (he taught me how to whip and nae nae) and I taught him how to play MASH in the car on the way home. Do y'all remember that game?? We had a blast playing it. At first he thought it was lame, but once we finished the first game, he was hooked and we continued to play. We went down the water slide together for my first time. That thing is no joke! I had no idea how fast I was going to go! 

That's my sister in law to the left of me. We went down together and with my mother in law as well. We may or may not have had way more fun than we should as adults

The biggest kid of us all. My Kipper

My family was also at the beach. A different one though. But we were only 40 minutes away from each other. Kip and I took a little road trip one day down there and played with my cousin's baby (I will probably refer to him as my nephew because he feels more like a nephew than a second cousin, oh that is so weird to type! Let's just not be politically correct and call him nephew) Anyways, he just turned 2 in June and has been the light of our family as he was the first baby our family has had in a looong time. And remember, my family is baby crazy. (We now have another precious little boy in the family, my other older cousin has a son, although sadly he wasn't there so I don't have a beach picture of him)

This is Hill. He is another one that that smile is going to get him far in life. (I'm seeing a trend here) This baby will test the limits. He will look at you with those big blue eyes and a sideways grin and test the waters for something he knows he shouldn't be doing. He will stop right before he knows he is about to go too far and you can't help but to laugh! Growing up, my cousin and I would fight over who's Tata (our grandmother) she was. Well, I started that with Hill and now he does it with me for everything. Hearing him say "Tata" is literally music to all of our ears. The sweetest sound ever. He also tries to compete with me with "my cup" which is actually "my Kip." This child. So funny. 

I can't wait to see all of these little nuggets continue to grow and to see their personalities continue to flourish. They are all similar in ways. All are stubborn, all are persistent, all are sweet and all love to make us laugh. I feel so lucky to have such wonderful families on both sides. Kip and I are so blessed to have the best families in the world. We laugh together, we have fun with each other and we are all functionally dysfunctional. And I would't have it any other way

When we returned back to reality, we went to work and then got to have more fun! Kip's friend from college who now lives in Tennessee came to town Friday night with his adorable family. We got to go to dinner with them and another set of friends that live here in town and then got to have breakfast with them Saturday morning. As if we hadn't already gotten in some great time with chunky thighed babes, Saturday afternoon we went to Charlotte for a birthday party for my bestie from college's baby boy Wills

I mean, y'all. Don't you just want to gobble him up!!!???? This normally smiley babe wasn't too sure about what was going on. He had sooo many people in his house, a personal cake was given to him to eat freely and a set of golf clubs, who wouldn't be overwhelmed!? Even through all of that, he was still absolutely precious. I don't get to see any of these babes nearly enough! Can we all live closer together, please!!!!!!!

A little something to bring this to a close and make you smile. PS- ignore me, just watch the kids

Tonight. Tonight started off like any 'ole normal night. I knew before even getting to the beach that I wanted to send off balloons. Two white ones and a pink one to be exact. Well, tonight we went out to eat and on our way home, we decided to get the balloons and that tonight would be the night that we sent them flying. Into the air. Out of our sight. Towards Heaven. Just like our angel babies. Typically when I plan something having to do with our angel babies, I am prepared. I don't cry. Well..... lets just say, tonight changed that. We were in the grocery store buying the balloons and the tears started there. The woman blowing up the balloons probably thought I was crazy. I literally had tears running down my face as she was inflating them. Two whites and one pink. The two white ones were inflated first. Then the pink. And then the tears REALLY started streaming. At this point, Kip told me to just go to the car and wait, he would handle everything from here [insert: he told the woman we had lost 3 pregnancies and that is what the balloons were for] So hopefully, I didn't seem too crazy after all. He said she understood and felt horrible for us

That's the thing though. I don't want people to feel bad for us. I don't want them to feel pity for our situation. God has chosen this journey for us. I'm not really sure why, but I know it will be revealed. I know that when that baby is in our arms, we will realize why God chose us for this. Okay, sorry, I digressed. We walked down the same exact pathway that we walked to get engaged. Little did I know at that time, I was about to be asked for my hand in marriage by the most amazing man in the whole wide world. Little did I know, that 3 years later, we would be making that same trek....holding 3 balloons. Two white ones and a pink one. For our angel babies that we will ONE DAY get to meet

Before we let go of the strings, I kissed each balloon, twice. I couldn't let go. The tears, the pain, the physical being of those balloons. Meant more to me than I was expecting. It was like all of a sudden, there was a physical "thing" in our hands. And I could not let go. Finally, I was able. We both let go of the strings and all 3 of those balloons, they intertwined and they floated away, up, up and away, all together. They never separated. They never let go of each other. Those are our babies. Together. In Heaven. All 3 of them. We watched until we couldn't see them anymore. I cried. And I couldn't stop. To be honest, I'm not sure if Kip was crying or not. He was holding onto me and not letting go, kissing my head and holding me tight. I never truly saw him to see if he was crying or not. The Lord knew when he sent Kip to me. He knew that this man was the perfect man for me to experience life with. The good and the bad. The happy and the sad. After we finally decided to head back, I went to the beach alone for a few minutes. I wanted to pray. As much as I love my husband by my side at any given moment we are allotted, I just needed a moment. Between God and I. When I got back to the house, there he was, waiting for me with arms wide open. Waiting to comfort me

As we were walking back after releasing our balloons, I said to him, "you know, when we have our baby, however we do, that will make us a family of 6." His reply..... "thank goodness 3 of them are getting a free education" You have to find humor. As horrible as it sounds. In any way you can. Bottom line, I love my husband so much and I am so lucky and blessed and happy that I get to do life with him

***

Okay, we now have pictures uploaded. I'm just going to warn you, be prepared for a picture overload. The pictures are real. They are definitely not the best of me, but they capture real emotion and so I am putting my pride aside and still posting them....

People, I could do a happy dance right now. We have FINALLY found a contractor, gotten a quote, FINALLY FINALIZED our tile (that was rough) and now, all we have to do it wait until we return from vacation to GET THIS PARTY STARTED!! WAHOOOOOO!!!!!! I am definitely excited to see the finished product, but I am most excited that we will be marking something else off our long list of things we need to do for our house. I spent 4 hours yesterday (at the store) and a few hours earlier in the day making sure that the tile that we picked was definitely the one. And then, you have to find the right grout. I am soooooo visual it is ridiculous. Not even kidding, I was on the floor, with a few packs of tile, and square color samples of grout trying to line them up the way they would look on the floor and trying to choose which ones I liked best. My poor Kip. He just watched his crazy wife and fetched more tile or color samples upon request. The decorator that has helped us pull it all together would walk onto the aisle, laugh, give me more things that needed decisions made on and walk away. After 3 1/2 hours of being there, I asked her if she could see the smoke coming out of my ears from my brain working so hard and I told her I could feel my hair getting bigger as the afternoon progressed. I then asked her if I was her worst/craziest client. She laughed, and said no "but definitely my most detail oriented" As frustrating and exhausting of a process that was, I still loved it. I think decorating and design are so much fun. I love mixing textures, colors and prints. I can't wait to show y'all some before and after pictures once everything is COMPLETED!!!

You know, people say "time heals" but I don't know if I believe that or not. Yes, as time goes on, you may not feel that constant pain in your heart; but for me, it makes me sad when more time goes by and the outcome is still the same. When time flies and you realize that nothing about your situation is different. Yesterday, I saw the prettiest little girl. Her features were perfect. She was wearing a pearl necklace (a southern girl's dream is to have a set of pearls) and the longest, prettiest, blond curly hair that I have ever seen on a child. {total envy of her hair, I was going to tell her I wanted to make extensions out of it if she ever cut it, but I figured that sort of thing would probably scare a 4 year old to death) After she walked away, I cried a little. I get tearful typing about it now. I know that looks aren't everything, but I can't help but to mourn the possibility that we may never get to see what our little babes might look like. Since I was young, I have always pictured my own little beach babe, with a seersucker bathing suit, tan little body and blond curly hair playing on the beach. It is so strange sometimes the images that we have in mind. [or maybe I am strange to be that detailed with it] I have always dreamed of a child, a daughter in particular, with long blond curly hair. My mother in law said one time to Kip and I once we were engaged that she was so excited she would finally have a grandchild with curls since neither she nor any of her children (or grandchildren) have even a hint of a curl. Isn't it funny how if you have curly hair, you want straight and vice versa. Up until the last few years, I never embraced my curls. I always pulled my hair straight, yet, I always envisioned my own child with curls, even though I didn't utilize my own. Anyways, I dried up the tears because I can't allow those fears and that sadness to take over. The desire in my heart is so strong for children, I know God will fulfill that desire. He wouldn't have put it there if He didn't plan on fulfilling it. So, I just have to continue to ask Him to please reveal His plan to us soon. One of my best friends texted me one day and said she had a dream that they were giving me a baby shower. I asked her if it was for a boy or girl and couldn't help but to feel excited at the thought of it. She said we didn't know the sex, but that when the time comes, she would provide the petit fours from Publix (ha!) Not too many days later, my mom told me she had a dream that I was pregnant and she had never dreamed that before. Before either of those dreams, I had my own that I was pregnant (only dreamed that before when I actually was) but I know that I am not. So, who knows what is to come. My wheels start turning in my head though with this sort of thing. "What do these dreams mean?" "Is this God's way of showing me a glimpse of His plan?" "Should I take another pregnancy test just to make sure I'm really not pregnant?" Again, I have to stop myself. JUST RELAX I tell myself. But seriously, it would be nice to be "that couple" that people tell you about......"I have a friend/co-worker/cousin/sister who couldn't get pregnant and then when they decided to let it go and just do IVF or adopt, she got pregnant!" Honestly, whichever one, I don't care. I am just feeling that longing feeling. Those empty arms. That amount of time that has gone by and still no baby. I feel like I have almost wished the summer away because I was so anxious and ready to get to the beach. Well, now it is here, and as much as I don't want to wish away the beach, I can't help it; because when we get back we will start IVF round 2 and/or our adoption process. That gets me excited. We have a family trip planned to Disney in the spring and I can't help but picture walking around with a stroller (obviously that would be if we went adoption route, no preemies please!) I get it, that would be a SUPER fast timeline of events, but hey, a girl can dream

I wanted to make sure I made something clear from my last post. To any of my family, friends or anyone else that may have (possibly) gotten the wrong message, here is what I meant.... when I mentioned the 2 girls from work talking about their pregnancies and how it negatively effected me, I was just worn down from that day. Please, if you are pregnant, and we see each other, please don't feel like you can't talk about your pregnancy and/or your baby in front of me! I love talking about it, I mean, hello! I love babies and love talking about them. Hopefully nobody was re-thinking a conversation we have had and hopefully nobody even thought that they couldn't talk about this topic with me after reading the last post. Hopefully, this is pointless to "clear up" but I just wanted to make sure!

Any who, now that that is behind us. Not much has been going on around here. I only have 2 more shifts (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) to work before we go to the beach. I. Can't. Wait. to have the sand between my toes!!!! We have FINALLY nailed down a contractor, gotten a quote and now, picked out tile for our bathroom. Also, something that I. Can't. Wait. for. I can't wait to be able to set up our bathroom in a functioning manner. And the guest bathroom too. Those will be 2 more steps closer to feeling like our house is near (well, more near) completion. We still need to work on landscaping, getting our backyard fenced in, more furniture, pictures for the walls, taking the carpet off the steps and out of Kip's man cave and replacing with hardwood, widening the man cave doorway and last but not least, setting up a nursery.....sigh...... the joys of owning a home. For 2 people who do not do well with uncompleted projects, we are hanging by our toes waiting for everything to be complete. But, as many people have told us before... when you own a home, you are never really finished with doing things to your house

Well, this post has been pretty boring. Sorry. Hopefully I will have something more fun to update about  soon. I'm not sure if I will be doing any updating at the beach, if I don't, I promise to make up for it when we get back home!

So in the mean time, I'm working on continuing to practice patience and trusting God's calendar

Shit.Shit, shit, shit shit, shit. The last 3 days I have wanted to post. I feel like I have needed to post. But I have been working and so I haven't. I have thought about the way I would start this post for the last few days and tonight, I decided I would just go with the way I feel. Like shit. Excuse my language. That is not normally like me. But that is how I feel and the first thing to come to my mind

If anyone is keeping up with the dates, you will have realized that I was supposed to have started the second round of IVF on Friday (8/14/15) Well. As of 8/19/15 we have not started yet. It is now on hold until next month. I wish I could have some really exciting news to tell you as to why have not started yet, but I don't. Unfortunately, we were delayed 4 days due to my body's natural cycle. We are leaving for the beach soon, and honestly, after everything we have been through lately, 8 days away sounds AMAZING and we didn't want to have to sacrifice any time away. So........ due to mother nature, we are now delayed ANOTHER MONTH. I feel soooooooooo frustrated by this. But also heart broken

Kip and I both found ourselves getting more and more excited each day that passed and still no visit from "her." At first, we tried to remain realistic. "It's probably just the IVF cycle that threw my body off" But then, as each day passed and "she" hadn't arrived, the anticipation and excitement grew. We couldn't help it. It was natural. And then, Sunday night, we were crushed....or so we thought. Monday, "she" showed no signs of still being around. And then our excitement grew even more. "Maybe God is FINALLY giving us a break" we both thought and we had both been praying that if I were indeed pregnant, this was IT. THIS was going to be our healthy, full term baby. And then 4am Tuesday morning arrived. I was awoken from my sleep in soo much pain that I thought I was definitely having another miscarriage. I wasn't, it was painful cramps (FYI- I had taken 3 pregnancy tests at this point, which were all negative, but I still couldn't help but to think...what if) I didn't want to get up to take any pain medicine, because I didn't want Kip to wake up and realize what I was doing. I didn't want him to feel that crushing feeling that I was experiencing, once again

Why is it that all of this has to be so difficult and painful? Why the emotional roller coaster? WHY can it not just be EASY for once? WHY did we even let ourselves think that I was maybe pregnant and WHY were we excited? I think you just can't help but have excitement, even though it would probably be sooooo risky for me to get pregnant without testing the embryos first. If we hadn't done that first cycle of IVF and tested the embryos, that would have been 6 more miscarriages. SIX!!!! And a total of 9! NINE people!!! I know that there are women out there who actually experience that. And my heart goes out to you. The 3 just about did me in. Sometimes I get angry when I hear people talk about their pregnant bellies in front of me. And then I have to set myself straight. They are excited and they have every right to be. If that is ever me, I am going to apologize ahead of time to anyone who I may hurt. Because I know I will be talking about that baby and that belly constantly. I also apologize to the people who will have to hear me talk about it constantly and will probably get on their nerves. It mostly depends on my mood. Last night, hearing the girls at work, I was tired and hungry and to hear "We are having a girl! Kind of disappointed because we wanted a boy" and then hearing the talk about the baby moving, I just had to get out of there. I think my anger of hearing the gender preference talk came more from "ugh, it is easy for you to complain about gender because you have a healthy baby growing in your belly and you were able to get it there the 'ole natural way and didn't have to pay tons of money for it" I used to think like that. I used to think that we HAD to get pregnant with a girl to make up for the loss of our little girl. And then this time, when I thought I may be pregnant, I realized I didn't care one bit what that baby might be. All I wanted was for it to be healthy. But, again, it is time to move on. Put the emotions behind us. My heart's desire remains for a baby. And I still feel very much at peace with adoption. I'm ready to just do it!!!!!

 Any who. I had a looooong day at work yesterday and did't get to eat much. Well, I felt the repercussions of that last night. When I got home, we went out for drinks and appetizers. I haven't been drinking very much lately, as I was preparing my body for the next round of IVF, (hopefully) a pregnancy and then, of course, the obvious- I thought I was pregnant. Well..... last night the champagne flowed freely and the nightcap Irish Coffee went down smoothly. And then I literally found myself feeling like a horse while I was in the shower. Have you ever felt your lips just reflex into the "neigh" sound? Sort of like a motor boat???? (okay, it's not a neigh sound actually. I don't know horse sound lingo, so I'm calling it a neigh) Well....last night, for the first time in a long time, while I was in the shower, under the water; I neighed. I don't like to drink too much and feel out of control of my body or it's actions. But last night the champs snuck up on me, without my realizing it, it happened, and then, just like that...my lips made the sound of a horse's

disclaimer: the sound is more like when you make the motor boat sound with your lips, not a neigh. But I really wanted to use this picture because I thought it was funny

Update from Saturday: there was a gentle breeze all day long. I told Kip that morning that I would love to see 3 butterflies, all together that day. Well, we didn't see 3, but we did see 1. I'll take that. Last night, on my way home from work, I felt a little sad (after a very long and exhausting afternoon due to a very sick patient and overhearing the 2 girls at work talking about feeling their babies move inside of them for the first time) I saw a rainbow on my way home tonight. I couldn't tell you the last time I saw a rainbow, but last, when I really needed something happy, there it was. That was our angel babies, lighting up the sky with something happy. I wish I wasn't driving so I could have taken a picture. It's okay though, I have a mental image that will be engrained for a long time

I thought that I would feel sad today. But I don't. Granted, I have only been awake for about 20 minutes. It feels weird to not be sad right away. But that is how I know God is with me. I have been praying to have strength today. Today, August 15, 2015 is the due date of our baby girl. I can remember back in December, today felt like an eternity away. And here it is. Another due date will come and go and our arms are still empty. But our hearts are not. That is God's work. We have each other and we have a niece and 2 nephews (well, it feels more like 4 nephews because my 2 older cousins both have boys and I think of them as my nephews rather than my 2nd cousins) and we have confidence that one day, we too will have a baby/babies of our own

After we lost our 3rd pregnancy, I would lie awake in bed for hours beyond hours, searching the internet for some sort of story or quote or ANYTHING that may bring me some comfort. Some peace. Some feeling to know that we are not alone in this horrible journey of miscarriages/infertility/infant loss. Social media can be so horrible, but it can be so helpful too. I found 3 girls on instagram who were either suffering from loss or going through IVF that I began following. These girls have NO IDEA how much their posts have helped me to not feel alone.  Have helped me to feel connected to them in a way that only someone who is going through the same thing can relate to, but still, they have no idea I feel connected with them. I feel their joy and their pain through their posts. That is one reason I wanted to start a blog. If just 1 person reads this and they can feel comfort and not alone, then my mission is accomplished

One night, not too long after we lost our last pregnancy, I reallllly could not sleep. My heart literally hurt. My eyes would not stop producing tears. My brain would not turn off. I searched all over the internet and finally I found this poem. I can't even tell you the amount of comfort I found in this poem. It made me feel like our baby girl really was okay and really was with me. Ever since my grandfather (our beloved Coy) died 5 years ago, I have taken on this very child-like image of Heaven in my head. When Kip's grandfather, Pop-B died, I saw them sitting together, in Heaven, fishing. They both loved to fish. Funny insert- our Coy loved to fish with a beer in his hand, Pop-B would fish with a tie on. Anyways, after we lost our first pregnancy, I envisioned Coy rocking our baby in Heaven [he loved to rock a baby, he talked the nurses in the nursery into letting him rock me at the hospital when I was born] This gave me peace. Then, when we lost our second pregnancy, I envisioned Coy and Kip's grandparents (Pop-B, Nannie and Pop-Pop) all fighting over our angel baby and so they then had another one to share. After our third loss, I told them no more! They were going to have to learn how to share because we were not giving them anymore of our babies to each be able to have one to hold. This may make me sound crazy, I talked to my grief counselor about this. Maybe she was being nice, but she told me it was okay. Whatever made me feel at peace. When I think about our angel babies, for some reason, I can only see an image of our first one. And the weird thing is, I see the image of about a 5 year old. A 5 year old little girl, a white dress to her ankles and long blond curly hair. We only know for sure that our last angel baby was a girl. I felt like the first 2 were as well, but I also thought our last one was a boy until we were told she was a girl. So, maybe my intuition isn't spot on. But, I think my brain just allows me these images to feel at peace. I did have a dying patient one day who told me that he saw something and he had to tell me. He held my hand and said he saw 2 sisters, they looked just like me and he said he had to hold them (this was before our third pregnancy) All I could do was hold his hand. I couldn't speak because the lump in my throat was too large to allow me any words

So on this day, we will try and look forward and not backwards. We will try and find joy and not be sad. We praise God at what is to come and not what we have lost. We plan on being outside today. And when that gentle breeze blows, we will know that our baby girl will be planting a kiss on our nose

Okay. Now I'm crying.