Wow! The comments, emails, facebook messages and support y'all are sending is amazing! Thank you so much for all of the prayers and kind words. We are feeling the love! ....and I'm feeling the pain from these shots! Not really, they aren't that bad. Although, the Menour, that little sucker burrrrrns!

Excuse my shorts, I was wearing my pjs ;)

Not sure if you can tell, but the long picture on the left, there is a whelp.... that's Menopur for ya! The other pictures are just showing the redness, irritation and mini whelp from the Lupron and Gonal-F. So far, I feel like I've experienced only a few side effects. With just the Lupron injection, no matter how hot it was, I would get chills! We were at a cookout and I was melting from the heat and humidity, yet I had chill bumps. Friday at work, I cried about 5 times. And I'm not talking eyes tearing up, I'm talking full on TEARS. Running down my face, uncontrollable when they would start and unstoppable. A few things happened that prompted them, but normally I could have just let it roll off my shoulders. Not that day. I have still been tired, but not the absolute exhaustion that I was feeling last week. Praying that the next 3 days at work are not a repeat of Friday!

Today's post is what my girl Jessica Simpson calls a "two-fer." A two in one. So to finish it out....

Today is our 2 year wedding anniversary. Can't believe how quickly time has flown by! Our wedding day was literally the BEST.DAY.OF.MY.LIFE! I LOVED our wedding day. I knew there was no better man in the world for me and so I was not nervous one bit. I couldn't wait to get to the end of the aisle and become Mrs Graham Vance Byrum, III. I never thought I could love my husband more than I did that day. And I was wrong. We haven't had the easiest first 2 years of marriage, but it has brought us closer together and yes, made me love him more. I know God handpicked him for me. I can't imagine going through what we have the last 2 years with anyone else. He has been right by my side through all the ups and downs. And there were some major downs. [Kip has had a hard time with the miscarriages as well, but he says it is harder for him to see me so upset. Since they were so early on, he hadn't had the bonding time yet that only the mother gets that early] What man recognizes that his wife is so down that she hasn't been shopping and he MAKES her go, and goes along with her because he knows a little retail therapy will at least release some endorphins temporarily?? That's my Kipper. Always trying to make sure that I am okay and that I am happy. We laugh together and at each other. We have built our relationship stronger through faith and built our faith stronger through each other. I have never smiled so much in my life until I met him. I am so lucky that he was raised to be as sweet, kind, caring and thoughtful as he is. I thank God every single day for blessing me with him. I love you so much Kip Byrum. I can't wait to spend many, many, many more years with you and I can't wait to see you be a dad. I know you will be just as wonderful (if not more) of a dad as you are a husband

Shots! Shots! Shots! Shots! Shots!........

Cloudy, foggy, fatigued, absolutely exhausted. Just a few words that come to mind when I think about how I have felt since my last post. Lupron has really done a number on me. Thankfully, tomorrow I get to cut the dose in half (can I get a whoop, whoop!!)... and begin 3 different medications, along with my half dosed Lupron

Today, I went to the doctor for a baseline ultrasound and blood work. When asked how I felt, I said "exxxhaussssted." Dr J told me that I now know how the menopausal woman feels and have so much to look forward to in the future! With the Lupron, I have basically zero estrogen in my body which explains why I can't hardly pull myself out of bed in the mornings. I'm not kidding. Today, I set my alarm for 6:15, I FORCED myself out of bed at 7:50. I took an hour and a half nap on the sofa yesterday. I literally don't recognize myself. I wasn't even this tired with my past pregnancies! Focus girl, focus. The ultrasound was to check and see how many follicles we are going to be working with. The right ovary has 6-7 and the left has 6. Solid numbers I'm told. The blood work was to get a baseline estradiol (estrogen) level. This aids Dr J in knowing when we are getting closer to "maturation" of the follicles. I will continue to have ultrasounds and blood work done every other day to keep a close watch on the follicles so we know the perfect time that they are ready to be retrieved
**follicle: a fluid filled sac which the egg grows inside of

Starting tomorrow, I will inject myself with 3 shots. Yep! You read that correctly people. 3. Shots. Kip and I both will have to take doxycycline BID x 10 (that's medical language for twice daily, for 10 days) I thought the wrong medication had been put into my bag at the pharmacy when I saw that. Let me explain... I have to take it as a prophylactic medication prior to my procedure (aka egg retrieval) and Kip has to take it prophylactically since he will be so kindly offering up a "sample" on the egg retrieval day. We don't need any potential infections harming those little soon to be embryos!

The other 2 new medications I am starting are called Gonal-F and Menopur. The quick and dirty on the purpose of these medications are that they stimulate the ovaries to develop multiple eggs. Gonal-F contains the hormone "FSH" (follicle stimulating hormone) and Menopur contains both "FSH" and "LH" (luteinizing hormone.) I hate to overload on too much "medical" and so if you would like me to explain about these hormones more, just email me or leave a comment and I will get back to you

So far, I think I have handled the medications pretty well. The birth control made me feel sick on my stomach for the first week and the Lupron has made me a slug. Real quick, funny story about the birth control. I took it at night and after the first pill, I woke up sometime in the 2am hour and felt really queasy. I spent the rest of the night back and forth from the bed to the bathroom. Sometime around 5am I felt like I might pass out. So there I lay, on the cold tile floor, sweating, in the fetal position and yelling for Kip. He zombie walks in and I asked him to please get me a cold, wet washcloth [btw, we just moved into a new house and I have done most of the unpacking so I had to tell him where the linen closet is located] he finally comes back and lays the "washcloth" on my neck. I could tell by the weight, this was no washcloth; I figured he had instead gotten a hand towel, but whatever, it was doing it's job. I later realized, he had placed a cold, wet bath mat on my neck ;) These next few weeks will be interesting ones. These new medications are the ones that I have heard horror stories about. The hormones can cause some major mood roller coasters. Kip is a huge fan of roller coasters, but probably not this kind that we could be facing!

Welcome! I thought this would be the best way to keep everyone updated on where we are on our journey to baby b. I also wanted to be a comfort for anyone going through this same heartache. Infertility, pregnancy loss and infant loss are not common topics of conversation. They almost seem like "taboo" topics. In going through this journey myself, I have searched and searched on the internet and social media for any similar stories just to feel some sort of comfort and to know that we are not alone. I came across this picture and I think it fits perfectly into the opening of this blog

Don't hide your scars. Wear them as a proof that God heals. And that is what I intend to do. I have been pretty open about our journey the last (almost!) 2 years but in case you missed anything, here's a quick recap....

Kip and I got married June 29, 2013 and I had my first positive pregnancy test  
September 15,2013 (surprise!) a very welcome surprise at that. We started having to make weekly trips to the doctor for ultrasounds about a week later due to some spotting. [I used to get embarrassed saying that so casually, but after you have a conversation with your father-in-law about your "spotting" that embarrassment goes out the door. Never say never. I NEVER thought I would have so many people ask me "did you have any spotting today?" As if you are being asked, "did you try that piece of cake?"] Sorry, I digressed. After hearing that precious heart beating we thought we may be making our way out of the woods; but God had different plan.  A few days later we were at the hospital for surgery because my body wasn't recognizing the "spontaneous abortion." Spontaneous abortion, that is the medical term that labeled the loss of our baby. I will never forget hearing that term used the first time and it went ahead and ripped out what was left of my heart. It sounds so harsh. So, throughout this blog, you will not read that term anymore. From here on out it will either be "pregnancy loss", "miscarriage" or "m/c." Okay, now that we have cleared that up I will continue....

Months of heartache, praying, healing, and bonding [and I actually mean this brought Kip and I closer together, not what you are thinking Sam Byrum ;)] go by and March 26, 2014 arrives with another positive pregnancy test. Kip was at work and so I had to wait allllll day for him to get home to share the good news. I went to the mall, bought a pair of WF baby booties and wrapped them up for him to open when he got home. Two words can be used to describe that day. Excited and terrified. Things were moving along as they should. I was exhausted, queasy and HUNGRY. We were feeling good about this one. None of the spotting like the first time. And then it happened. One morning I was reading "Praying Through  Your Pregnancy" and my stomach got hard as a rock. I immediately called the doctor office, scheduled an ultrasound, texted Kip to come home and off to the doctor we went. The ultrasound showed an embryo that was 2 weeks behind how far along I thought I was. So, they scheduled us for serial ultrasounds again to keep track of the baby's growth. Well, Mother Nature and God had a different plan. Again. 

At this point, my doctor started running some blood work tests on me. Everything was coming back normal (yes people, I am normal!) So, we got a plan in place and for the next pregnancy. I would take a baby Aspirin and a progesterone pill. I had my pill bottles ready to go! But first, we would need more time, praying and healing.

December 5, 2014. Kip and I are sitting down to a delicious meal that I cooked. I was drinking an adult beverage. My phone alerts me of a text. My aunt sent a text that said "I think Madison's pregnant." Whoa! what!? I think I would know if I were pregnant or not, this would be my 3rd time! I asked "why?" and she said "I don't know, I just have a feeling and it won't go away." December 6, 2014.... positive pregnancy test! Holy cow!! Shocked but excited, I couldn't believe that she knew it and I didn't! A week goes by and I really don't feel many symptoms until one morning before work... WHOA! Okay, this must be what being pregnant with a healthy baby feels like. Vomit bags became my new favorite accessory. For weeks, I had them EVERYWHERE. We went for our scheduled first ultrasound, excited, confident and full of love for this baby that we were finally going to carry to term. I will never forget the words out of the ultrasound tech's mouth "Is this your first ultrasound?" Doom. That is the only word that I can think of to describe the way we felt. Horrible. Terrible. Doom. 

I remember being in pre-op the next day, changing into a gown for another surgery, and the nurse behind the curtain asked me if this was my 1st pregnancy loss. "No ma'am it's my 3rd" I responded and I could hear her tell another nurse and they both were so surprised and then very comforting (I was a puddle of tears at that point.) The doctor comes to talk to us and advises us to send the embryo off for genetic testing to try and get some answers as to why this keeps happening to us. Weeks go by and the doctor calls me with results (Kip was on call and at the hospital.) He tell us that our baby was a girl (stab to the heart in a whole new way finding out the sex) and that she had a chromosome accident. Part of chromosome 2 was on chromosome 20 (I know, this sounds like a different language, it used to sound that way to me too. I will explain) and he suggested that Kip and I get genetic testing done because more than likely one of us had a balanced translocation (huh??) and the odds were against us and we had a 50/50 chance of having a healthy pregnancy at some point. Mind.Blown.

Weeks go by. We get blood work drawn. We wait. Doctor goes on vacation. We wait. Phone call one night (I was in the shower and Kip was again, on call at the hospital) Doctor leaves a voice mail telling me that both of our genetic tests looked normal and that from here he thought we should see a reproductive endocrinologist. An appointment was made for May (4 months to wait) and that seemed like forever away

 At this point, we are trying our hardest to keep each other's head above water. You never think it will be you. You never think that you and your husband will be that couple that has breaking hearts every time you see a pregnant woman or babies. You never know the anger you will feel when you see a pregnant woman doing things she shouldn't and thinking "why does she get to have a baby when she isn't even doing whats best for the baby before it is even born?" I never thought that I would tear up watching our niece and nephews play because I'm not sure that we will ever get to watch our own child join in with them. I never thought I would hold my cousin's baby, that I had taken out of the restaurant to entertain outside and decorate his head with my tears after he looks up at me with big blue eyes and a huge grin on his face. Will I ever experience this of my own???? I never thought I would BEG God to please bless us with a miracle of our own. I never thought I would hear my husband say he got teary eyed once he got home from lunch with a friend and his little girl  because he wanted that so badly himself. But here we are. This is the journey that God has chosen for us. There have been times where I have been so angry at Him. "How can I trust You when I pray so hard and try to live the life You would be the most proud of and then we are punished?" I know, God doesn't punish us, but it has taken me many private conversations with Him for me to believe this. One of the hardest parts about faith is truly believing and not just saying. I told people for the longest time," it is in God's timing." But I never BELIEVED that. But now, I now truly BELIEVE that it is His timing. The day that I stopped just saying it and realized that I truly believed it, I found this

                                                                                    How about that for perfect timing!

May 4, 2015 we met Dr Johnston-MacAnanny (Dr. J). This woman is fantastic. I had done A LOT of research at this point and had my mind made up that we were going to do IVF and we were going to be candidates for PGS (preimplantation genetic screening) and while we were at it, lets go for twins! Kip, he wasn't too convinced of my research leading us down that path. The doctor in him wanted to hear what the specialist thought would be the best route for us. She explained to us that she thought our babies were having random chromosome accidents. She told us that we could probably have a baby at some point the natural way, but why go through the emotional, physical and mental pain any more than we already had when she could help us by-pass all that? Sign.Us.Up! We had a very lengthy conversation with her and the 3 of us came to the conclusion that we would do IVF (she promised she wouldn't make me octo-mom which allowed Kip to breathe a huge sigh of relief) and that she wanted to have our embryos screened prior to implanting them. We left her office feeling confident, weighed down with information to read and slightly overwhelmed with potential costs. But, overall, and most importantly, we felt good. We finally see the light at the end of the tunnel that we are going to get to have our baby

                                                

If you are still reading, I told you waaaay up at the top that I would explain some of the medical jargon. We are all made up of 24 chromosomes. They start out big and get smaller as the chain continues. Remember when I told you that our baby had part of chromosome 2 on chromosome 20? Well, since 2 is near the top, it is a big chromosome. It carries a lot of "information" in it and so for that one to be on chromosome 20 (which is a smaller one, towards the end of the chain) it is considered to be a chromosome accident that is not compatible with life. A balanced translocation (the other word from the top) is where a person can have a chromosome accident, but the part of which ever chromosome that is attached to another one is a "smaller" accident per say. It means that a person can have part of a chromosome in the wrong place but they are alive and you would never know that anything was wrong. Until that "balanced translocation" is passed down and the embryo's chromosomes are trying to get in line the way they should be, but are unable to due to the misplaced one that was passed down from one of the parents. Confused yet? It took me many, many times of reading and re-reading to understand it all. Here is where modern medicine blows my mind....

First off, Dr J had to get a sneak peak of my non-pregnant uterus to make sure she looked okay structurally and to make sure the scarring of the previous 2 surgeries hadn't left scar tissue build-up. Babies don't tend to thrive in scar tissue. The ultrasound is called a hysterosalpingogram (HSG). Basically, they squirt saline into your uterus while watching under flouro (fancy, real-time x-ray) No scar tissue to report and fallopian tubes are open!

                                                                      Haley took this picture afterwards to send to Kip and
                                                                      my mom to show I was a-ok (it can be a painful US)

 Next, the medications.....

June 4, 2015- started taking birth control (say what!? I thought we were trying to HAVE a baby, not prevent one!) I am taking birth control so that I do not ovulate at my natural time. The plan is that I will give myself injections to ramp up egg production for a retrieval of as many as possible in July

June 15, 2015- Lupron injections started.  Lupron induces ovulation. So basically, we stopped the naturally occurring ovulation with birth control and the doctor is making it happen at the time she wants it to with Lupron

Now, as a nurse you would think this wouldn't bother me to inject myself. WRONG! It is so different when you are coming at your own stomach with a needle as opposed to someone else's! I thought Kip was going to take a picture, nope! He recorded it......

Thanks for hanging in there! I know this was a very long post. Once I started writing, all of the last 2 years came flooding back to memory. Believe it or not, I held back some stuff! I will update the medications as we begin new ones. I will also explain in more detail about the genetic screening our embryos will undergo closer to the time that is happening