People, I could do a happy dance right now. We have FINALLY found a contractor, gotten a quote, FINALLY FINALIZED our tile (that was rough) and now, all we have to do it wait until we return from vacation to GET THIS PARTY STARTED!! WAHOOOOOO!!!!!! I am definitely excited to see the finished product, but I am most excited that we will be marking something else off our long list of things we need to do for our house. I spent 4 hours yesterday (at the store) and a few hours earlier in the day making sure that the tile that we picked was definitely the one. And then, you have to find the right grout. I am soooooo visual it is ridiculous. Not even kidding, I was on the floor, with a few packs of tile, and square color samples of grout trying to line them up the way they would look on the floor and trying to choose which ones I liked best. My poor Kip. He just watched his crazy wife and fetched more tile or color samples upon request. The decorator that has helped us pull it all together would walk onto the aisle, laugh, give me more things that needed decisions made on and walk away. After 3 1/2 hours of being there, I asked her if she could see the smoke coming out of my ears from my brain working so hard and I told her I could feel my hair getting bigger as the afternoon progressed. I then asked her if I was her worst/craziest client. She laughed, and said no "but definitely my most detail oriented" As frustrating and exhausting of a process that was, I still loved it. I think decorating and design are so much fun. I love mixing textures, colors and prints. I can't wait to show y'all some before and after pictures once everything is COMPLETED!!!

You know, people say "time heals" but I don't know if I believe that or not. Yes, as time goes on, you may not feel that constant pain in your heart; but for me, it makes me sad when more time goes by and the outcome is still the same. When time flies and you realize that nothing about your situation is different. Yesterday, I saw the prettiest little girl. Her features were perfect. She was wearing a pearl necklace (a southern girl's dream is to have a set of pearls) and the longest, prettiest, blond curly hair that I have ever seen on a child. {total envy of her hair, I was going to tell her I wanted to make extensions out of it if she ever cut it, but I figured that sort of thing would probably scare a 4 year old to death) After she walked away, I cried a little. I get tearful typing about it now. I know that looks aren't everything, but I can't help but to mourn the possibility that we may never get to see what our little babes might look like. Since I was young, I have always pictured my own little beach babe, with a seersucker bathing suit, tan little body and blond curly hair playing on the beach. It is so strange sometimes the images that we have in mind. [or maybe I am strange to be that detailed with it] I have always dreamed of a child, a daughter in particular, with long blond curly hair. My mother in law said one time to Kip and I once we were engaged that she was so excited she would finally have a grandchild with curls since neither she nor any of her children (or grandchildren) have even a hint of a curl. Isn't it funny how if you have curly hair, you want straight and vice versa. Up until the last few years, I never embraced my curls. I always pulled my hair straight, yet, I always envisioned my own child with curls, even though I didn't utilize my own. Anyways, I dried up the tears because I can't allow those fears and that sadness to take over. The desire in my heart is so strong for children, I know God will fulfill that desire. He wouldn't have put it there if He didn't plan on fulfilling it. So, I just have to continue to ask Him to please reveal His plan to us soon. One of my best friends texted me one day and said she had a dream that they were giving me a baby shower. I asked her if it was for a boy or girl and couldn't help but to feel excited at the thought of it. She said we didn't know the sex, but that when the time comes, she would provide the petit fours from Publix (ha!) Not too many days later, my mom told me she had a dream that I was pregnant and she had never dreamed that before. Before either of those dreams, I had my own that I was pregnant (only dreamed that before when I actually was) but I know that I am not. So, who knows what is to come. My wheels start turning in my head though with this sort of thing. "What do these dreams mean?" "Is this God's way of showing me a glimpse of His plan?" "Should I take another pregnancy test just to make sure I'm really not pregnant?" Again, I have to stop myself. JUST RELAX I tell myself. But seriously, it would be nice to be "that couple" that people tell you about......"I have a friend/co-worker/cousin/sister who couldn't get pregnant and then when they decided to let it go and just do IVF or adopt, she got pregnant!" Honestly, whichever one, I don't care. I am just feeling that longing feeling. Those empty arms. That amount of time that has gone by and still no baby. I feel like I have almost wished the summer away because I was so anxious and ready to get to the beach. Well, now it is here, and as much as I don't want to wish away the beach, I can't help it; because when we get back we will start IVF round 2 and/or our adoption process. That gets me excited. We have a family trip planned to Disney in the spring and I can't help but picture walking around with a stroller (obviously that would be if we went adoption route, no preemies please!) I get it, that would be a SUPER fast timeline of events, but hey, a girl can dream

I wanted to make sure I made something clear from my last post. To any of my family, friends or anyone else that may have (possibly) gotten the wrong message, here is what I meant.... when I mentioned the 2 girls from work talking about their pregnancies and how it negatively effected me, I was just worn down from that day. Please, if you are pregnant, and we see each other, please don't feel like you can't talk about your pregnancy and/or your baby in front of me! I love talking about it, I mean, hello! I love babies and love talking about them. Hopefully nobody was re-thinking a conversation we have had and hopefully nobody even thought that they couldn't talk about this topic with me after reading the last post. Hopefully, this is pointless to "clear up" but I just wanted to make sure!

Any who, now that that is behind us. Not much has been going on around here. I only have 2 more shifts (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) to work before we go to the beach. I. Can't. Wait. to have the sand between my toes!!!! We have FINALLY nailed down a contractor, gotten a quote and now, picked out tile for our bathroom. Also, something that I. Can't. Wait. for. I can't wait to be able to set up our bathroom in a functioning manner. And the guest bathroom too. Those will be 2 more steps closer to feeling like our house is near (well, more near) completion. We still need to work on landscaping, getting our backyard fenced in, more furniture, pictures for the walls, taking the carpet off the steps and out of Kip's man cave and replacing with hardwood, widening the man cave doorway and last but not least, setting up a nursery.....sigh...... the joys of owning a home. For 2 people who do not do well with uncompleted projects, we are hanging by our toes waiting for everything to be complete. But, as many people have told us before... when you own a home, you are never really finished with doing things to your house

Well, this post has been pretty boring. Sorry. Hopefully I will have something more fun to update about  soon. I'm not sure if I will be doing any updating at the beach, if I don't, I promise to make up for it when we get back home!

So in the mean time, I'm working on continuing to practice patience and trusting God's calendar

Shit.Shit, shit, shit shit, shit. The last 3 days I have wanted to post. I feel like I have needed to post. But I have been working and so I haven't. I have thought about the way I would start this post for the last few days and tonight, I decided I would just go with the way I feel. Like shit. Excuse my language. That is not normally like me. But that is how I feel and the first thing to come to my mind

If anyone is keeping up with the dates, you will have realized that I was supposed to have started the second round of IVF on Friday (8/14/15) Well. As of 8/19/15 we have not started yet. It is now on hold until next month. I wish I could have some really exciting news to tell you as to why have not started yet, but I don't. Unfortunately, we were delayed 4 days due to my body's natural cycle. We are leaving for the beach soon, and honestly, after everything we have been through lately, 8 days away sounds AMAZING and we didn't want to have to sacrifice any time away. So........ due to mother nature, we are now delayed ANOTHER MONTH. I feel soooooooooo frustrated by this. But also heart broken

Kip and I both found ourselves getting more and more excited each day that passed and still no visit from "her." At first, we tried to remain realistic. "It's probably just the IVF cycle that threw my body off" But then, as each day passed and "she" hadn't arrived, the anticipation and excitement grew. We couldn't help it. It was natural. And then, Sunday night, we were crushed....or so we thought. Monday, "she" showed no signs of still being around. And then our excitement grew even more. "Maybe God is FINALLY giving us a break" we both thought and we had both been praying that if I were indeed pregnant, this was IT. THIS was going to be our healthy, full term baby. And then 4am Tuesday morning arrived. I was awoken from my sleep in soo much pain that I thought I was definitely having another miscarriage. I wasn't, it was painful cramps (FYI- I had taken 3 pregnancy tests at this point, which were all negative, but I still couldn't help but to think...what if) I didn't want to get up to take any pain medicine, because I didn't want Kip to wake up and realize what I was doing. I didn't want him to feel that crushing feeling that I was experiencing, once again

Why is it that all of this has to be so difficult and painful? Why the emotional roller coaster? WHY can it not just be EASY for once? WHY did we even let ourselves think that I was maybe pregnant and WHY were we excited? I think you just can't help but have excitement, even though it would probably be sooooo risky for me to get pregnant without testing the embryos first. If we hadn't done that first cycle of IVF and tested the embryos, that would have been 6 more miscarriages. SIX!!!! And a total of 9! NINE people!!! I know that there are women out there who actually experience that. And my heart goes out to you. The 3 just about did me in. Sometimes I get angry when I hear people talk about their pregnant bellies in front of me. And then I have to set myself straight. They are excited and they have every right to be. If that is ever me, I am going to apologize ahead of time to anyone who I may hurt. Because I know I will be talking about that baby and that belly constantly. I also apologize to the people who will have to hear me talk about it constantly and will probably get on their nerves. It mostly depends on my mood. Last night, hearing the girls at work, I was tired and hungry and to hear "We are having a girl! Kind of disappointed because we wanted a boy" and then hearing the talk about the baby moving, I just had to get out of there. I think my anger of hearing the gender preference talk came more from "ugh, it is easy for you to complain about gender because you have a healthy baby growing in your belly and you were able to get it there the 'ole natural way and didn't have to pay tons of money for it" I used to think like that. I used to think that we HAD to get pregnant with a girl to make up for the loss of our little girl. And then this time, when I thought I may be pregnant, I realized I didn't care one bit what that baby might be. All I wanted was for it to be healthy. But, again, it is time to move on. Put the emotions behind us. My heart's desire remains for a baby. And I still feel very much at peace with adoption. I'm ready to just do it!!!!!

 Any who. I had a looooong day at work yesterday and did't get to eat much. Well, I felt the repercussions of that last night. When I got home, we went out for drinks and appetizers. I haven't been drinking very much lately, as I was preparing my body for the next round of IVF, (hopefully) a pregnancy and then, of course, the obvious- I thought I was pregnant. Well..... last night the champagne flowed freely and the nightcap Irish Coffee went down smoothly. And then I literally found myself feeling like a horse while I was in the shower. Have you ever felt your lips just reflex into the "neigh" sound? Sort of like a motor boat???? (okay, it's not a neigh sound actually. I don't know horse sound lingo, so I'm calling it a neigh) Well....last night, for the first time in a long time, while I was in the shower, under the water; I neighed. I don't like to drink too much and feel out of control of my body or it's actions. But last night the champs snuck up on me, without my realizing it, it happened, and then, just like that...my lips made the sound of a horse's

disclaimer: the sound is more like when you make the motor boat sound with your lips, not a neigh. But I really wanted to use this picture because I thought it was funny

Update from Saturday: there was a gentle breeze all day long. I told Kip that morning that I would love to see 3 butterflies, all together that day. Well, we didn't see 3, but we did see 1. I'll take that. Last night, on my way home from work, I felt a little sad (after a very long and exhausting afternoon due to a very sick patient and overhearing the 2 girls at work talking about feeling their babies move inside of them for the first time) I saw a rainbow on my way home tonight. I couldn't tell you the last time I saw a rainbow, but last, when I really needed something happy, there it was. That was our angel babies, lighting up the sky with something happy. I wish I wasn't driving so I could have taken a picture. It's okay though, I have a mental image that will be engrained for a long time

I thought that I would feel sad today. But I don't. Granted, I have only been awake for about 20 minutes. It feels weird to not be sad right away. But that is how I know God is with me. I have been praying to have strength today. Today, August 15, 2015 is the due date of our baby girl. I can remember back in December, today felt like an eternity away. And here it is. Another due date will come and go and our arms are still empty. But our hearts are not. That is God's work. We have each other and we have a niece and 2 nephews (well, it feels more like 4 nephews because my 2 older cousins both have boys and I think of them as my nephews rather than my 2nd cousins) and we have confidence that one day, we too will have a baby/babies of our own

After we lost our 3rd pregnancy, I would lie awake in bed for hours beyond hours, searching the internet for some sort of story or quote or ANYTHING that may bring me some comfort. Some peace. Some feeling to know that we are not alone in this horrible journey of miscarriages/infertility/infant loss. Social media can be so horrible, but it can be so helpful too. I found 3 girls on instagram who were either suffering from loss or going through IVF that I began following. These girls have NO IDEA how much their posts have helped me to not feel alone.  Have helped me to feel connected to them in a way that only someone who is going through the same thing can relate to, but still, they have no idea I feel connected with them. I feel their joy and their pain through their posts. That is one reason I wanted to start a blog. If just 1 person reads this and they can feel comfort and not alone, then my mission is accomplished

One night, not too long after we lost our last pregnancy, I reallllly could not sleep. My heart literally hurt. My eyes would not stop producing tears. My brain would not turn off. I searched all over the internet and finally I found this poem. I can't even tell you the amount of comfort I found in this poem. It made me feel like our baby girl really was okay and really was with me. Ever since my grandfather (our beloved Coy) died 5 years ago, I have taken on this very child-like image of Heaven in my head. When Kip's grandfather, Pop-B died, I saw them sitting together, in Heaven, fishing. They both loved to fish. Funny insert- our Coy loved to fish with a beer in his hand, Pop-B would fish with a tie on. Anyways, after we lost our first pregnancy, I envisioned Coy rocking our baby in Heaven [he loved to rock a baby, he talked the nurses in the nursery into letting him rock me at the hospital when I was born] This gave me peace. Then, when we lost our second pregnancy, I envisioned Coy and Kip's grandparents (Pop-B, Nannie and Pop-Pop) all fighting over our angel baby and so they then had another one to share. After our third loss, I told them no more! They were going to have to learn how to share because we were not giving them anymore of our babies to each be able to have one to hold. This may make me sound crazy, I talked to my grief counselor about this. Maybe she was being nice, but she told me it was okay. Whatever made me feel at peace. When I think about our angel babies, for some reason, I can only see an image of our first one. And the weird thing is, I see the image of about a 5 year old. A 5 year old little girl, a white dress to her ankles and long blond curly hair. We only know for sure that our last angel baby was a girl. I felt like the first 2 were as well, but I also thought our last one was a boy until we were told she was a girl. So, maybe my intuition isn't spot on. But, I think my brain just allows me these images to feel at peace. I did have a dying patient one day who told me that he saw something and he had to tell me. He held my hand and said he saw 2 sisters, they looked just like me and he said he had to hold them (this was before our third pregnancy) All I could do was hold his hand. I couldn't speak because the lump in my throat was too large to allow me any words

So on this day, we will try and look forward and not backwards. We will try and find joy and not be sad. We praise God at what is to come and not what we have lost. We plan on being outside today. And when that gentle breeze blows, we will know that our baby girl will be planting a kiss on our nose

Okay. Now I'm crying.

Last night, I cried. Out of nowhere really. Well, not really. I had been reading a blog about a couple who suffered multiple miscarriages, had 3 children, lost their baby girl (born at 21 weeks) and ultimately ended up adopting. They used the same consulting firm that I really like through my research so far. Now if you remember, I promised Kip I would fill him in after his boards.... so that is exactly what I have been doing :) I had him read a blog post from that blog because I feel like I could have written it myself. She expressed my same exact feelings. Then, I showed him the facebook page of this business. They always post a pic of the happy new family that has been matched or either the baby (never disclosing full names, as to keep some privacy) Well, I guess I was just vulnerable enough that after I closed the ipad, I pulled the covers over my face and just cried. Most guys would probably be thrown into a tail spin with this. But Kip has learned that sometimes, unfortunately there is nothing he can say, or do, to make me feel better. So instead, he just put his arms around me and comforted me

When I am in these "transitional" stages, I start to get more emotional and my longing for a baby gets worse. Right now, I can't go any further with adoption information without basically signing us up. We are waiting to start our next IVF treatment, and then we will have to wait on results of the embryo chromosomes again. It is during these times that I get ancy and upset. It is during these times that I just want to buy baby things to make me feel like I am doing SOMETHING. Sometimes, I just feel like I can't "wait" anymore. Sometimes I still beg God to please reveal His plan to us soon. And sometimes, I feel like He has. The desire in my heart is so strong for a baby and my gut feeling is so strong towards adoption, I just wonder if that is God revealing His plan to us

In the mean time, we have had some pretty major storms here the last few days. Annnnnd this happened......

Yep. That is our gutter. Completely disconnected from the other gutters, completely out of that clay drainage thing (a little outdated anyways, it was on our list of things to update, but not RIGHT now!) That seems to be the trend for us. Our bathroom is STILL NOT DONE. We are STILL waiting on a quote from the last contractor that came out. WAITING, WAITING, WAITING, WAITING. It feels like all we are doing lately is WAITING and getting NOTHING accomplished. Hopefully a summer evening storm doesn't pop up until we get this guy fixed. I would not like to add a flooded mud room to our list of things to fix (not pictured: 2 windows that are ground level that are in the mud room, hopefully sealed tightly!)

Annnnnnd this happened last night......

Yes. That is my husband. Literally dancing because I agreed to have a Whole Foods Pizza for dinner instead of the quinoa burgers I had planned. I wasn't really feeling them much anyways. Sooooo, I guess you could say we are cheating our way through the food challenge. I think the conclusion we have come to is that as long as the majority of our meals are within the rules, we are good. We are enjoying actually having weekends off together and want to take advantage of that time. We want to enjoy going to eat with friends. I will say 2 things for sure: 1) my nails, which are normally very thin and weak are all of a sudden thriving and hard 2) I think one of the biggest changes have been with sugar intake (or lack thereof) and I think that is why we are feeling so much better. For the most part, the sugar we eat is natural. I think that the dark circles under my eyes are better. Some may call me crazy, but I really can tell a difference. I'm not even drinking caffeine except for my one cup of half caff in the mornings and I still have energy. Again, call me crazy, but I'm a believer.....

We are making progress! Kip's only complaint with our food challenge, is that he isn't as full as he would normally be and finds himself snacking in the afternoon more. Now, you would think this was a negative thing, but it's really not. We are still trying to find a balance for him. Being in the medical field, you wake up before the rest of the world. That means your breakfast is super early. On days that I work, I eat a little something before I leave the house (around 5:50 am) and then by the time 9:30 am rolls around, I am eating another breakfast because I am STARVING. Okay, back to Kip.... he eats breakfast at the house before he leaves and then has some almonds for a snack before lunch and some sort of dried fruit for the afternoon. And that is all he takes with him. So, as you can see, that is not enough food for a grown man. I try to encourage him to take more snacks and he does not. So..... hopefully he will stop being silly and just pack more food and then he will be fine. Otherwise, he seems to be enjoying our food challenge. All of the meals have been delicious. Every night after dinner though, he says "how good would a cookie cake be?" [Confession: before this, I used to buy a cookie cake every week at the grocery store with as much icing as possible. He LOVES icing. We would eat that every night for dessert]

These meals are so delicious, easy to cook and not time consuming!

I even cook when I get home from work (which I always do, but usually it isn't a meal that's good for you, those

take too long...but not anymore!)

I, for one, am loving our new lifestyle. I truly feel like I have more energy. I woke up at 6:45am this morning, on my day off, without an alarm and without still feeling tired! That is pretty big for me. I don't sleep late, but I rarely wake up (especially after I've worked for a few days) and feel energized. I even feel bad when we cheat and look forward to my next meal that fits the criteria. The weekend is hard we have realized. Especially since we have gotten to have 2, yes 2! weekends off, in a row, together. We have felt like normal people!

We had lunch with friends that just moved back to town. Their 4 year old insisted that we all color while waiting for our food. He was so cute, if you stopped coloring, he would say "will you please keep coloring"

We had such a fun weekend. Kip took his boards Friday and to celebrate we went to dinner and then had drinks with some friends. When we went for drinks, a bunch of residents were there and when we walked in, everybody cheered for Kip and congratulated him on being done with his boards. It is a proud moment for a wife. Of course I was proud of him, but I loved seeing his colleges share that feeling too.  I just love seeing them all support each other so much. When you are in the medical field, your colleges start to feel a little like family. You see them more than your family, you work together through really hard times/circumstances and you spend most holidays with them! Such a unique lifestyle that is hard for most people to understand

The last 2 days at work were....hmm.... good, but different. When I was getting report Monday morning, I learned that I would be taking care of a patient that was a few days post-partum. My heart instantly dropped and to be honest, I was a little mad. "Why did they give me this girl to take care of?? Don't they know how hard it will be to hear all about the baby??" Well, I actually had 2 really good days. Monday morning, my mind was swirling with thoughts "why did God put me in this situation?" "What lesson am I supposed to be learning from this?" "How is this situation going to benefit me?" And then, my charge nurse approached me later into the morning and talked to me about how difficult the assignment probably was for me to have, but that God put me there for a reason. I, more than anyone else on the unit, could empathize with this new young mother. I could be supportive because I know how hard it is to not have that baby in your arms (her baby is doing better, being discharged soon) The patient, was not able to do things for herself, so a lactation consultant came to help me hook up a pump to her to relieve her. I didn't think much about this until we were standing there, pumping this girl and I could feel the tears trying to come out. Sounds strange, but I couldn't help it. I couldn't help but to wonder if I would ever need to do this for myself, would I ever even get the opportunity or has that door closed now? I was dreading going back on Tuesday. Thinking to myself, I know they are going to want to see the baby today {I knew mom would be doing better by that point and able to see baby} And I was right. I was nervous. How am I going to go to the NICU and see this mother embrace her baby and hold her baby and then be surrounded by other babies and meanwhile, my arms will be empty, like usual. But again, I was wrong. I was happy to know that I was able to make that visit possible. I was happy to see the joy on her face. And seeing dad walk in, his 2 girls reunited, brought the biggest grin to his face that there was no hiding. He was literally smiling ear to ear and so relieved to see both of his girls doing so well. Those are the times that God surprises you. I was so concerned with what the situation was going to do for ME, when it wasn't about me at all. It was what I could do for that situation. Tuesday morning before work, I prayed for strength. I prayed to be able to handle what the day had in store. I prayed that I would continue to trust His calendar and His plan, and to trust in it all without anxiety. And my prayers were answered. I hope all of that makes sense. It is hard to truly explain something when I am trying to not violate HIPPA and patient privacy

Man, oh man, have I got a lot to update on! First off, I will say that our food challenge is going well! The hardest part so far has been needing some caffeine in the afternoon at work and being pretty limited to black coffee instead of my trusty ole Coke Zero or Diet Dr Pepper. But, on the other hand, I feel like I have more energy not eating food that makes me sluggish. We are both snacking more, but I don't think it's affecting us negatively because our snacks are healthy and our portions (for meals and snacks) seem to be smaller. Kip is getting used to the change. He did get a "cheat night" because his big test is TODAY. He wanted pizza and I agreed because I wanted him to be as relaxed as possible going into it this morning. Yesterday, he studied in the morning and then we just hung out and the rest of the day. Giving his brain a little "break" before it had to think for hours and hours and hours and hours and hours today. Before he got home yesterday, I was thinking about our afternoon together and got as giddy as a school girl. We have the best time together. Even if we are just sitting on the sofa, we laugh with each other and at each other, we entertain each other so much (mostly me, telling him stories about  things that have happened to me either in the past or that day, I'm one of those that attracts crazies) When he did get home, all that I had built up in my head was right on... we had the best time. Just the 2 of us. I love that man so much

Reading up one last time this morning before the big test

Okay, so....... I got stung a few times this week. Not by bees or any other insect for that matter. But stung with sadness. It is amazing how quickly the feelings from miscarriage can just come back and sting sooo badly. One of my sweet, dear friends had a miscarriage on Monday. When she texted me while I was at work; my whole body stung with pain for her and her husband. You see, we have a special bond because we both want kids more than anything, and it is the one thing that our husbands want so badly to be able to give us, but just haven't been able to yet. YET. Keyword. We WILL get our babies. Sooner or later and one way or the other. We met when our husbands started residency together. They got married a few months before us, but right before their wedding he was diagnosed with cancer. Luckily, they were able to do some "banking" and once he was cleared from treatment and the time seemed right, they started on their journey to a baby. And that was 2 years ago. We were going to start IVF about the same time (she was 1 month behind me) and RIGHT before they started, she wasn't feeling well. She took a pregnancy test and her eggo was preggo!! MIRACLE BABY! They had to have serial ultrasounds unfortunately (I say that because it can cause sooo much more anxiety) but last weekend when we went to dinner, they had a happy report for us. Baby was measuring correctly and the heartbeat was 173! Monday they went to her normal OB (you stay with the reproductive doc until you're 8 weeks, even though she didn't do IVF, Dr. J was still following her) and sadly, there was no heartbeat. I cannot even explain the pain that brings. When you go from seeing that flicker on the screen and hearing that precious beating heart, to nothing. It is the most gut-wrenching, heart stabbing, world stopping feeling. As we texted the rest of that day and the next morning, leading up to her d&c, I tried to just be there for her and then warn her of what to expect with the procedure. The memories from my own are still so recent, I almost felt like I was preparing myself for another one. Seriously, nobody should have to go through that. She has been blogging about her experience and reading it takes me back. It makes my heart hurt. For them, and for us, and for anyone else going through any of these difficult things to have their own little nugget

Miscarriage, infertility, infant loss; they all take something from you. A little piece of yourself that you feel like you will never get back. There is a picture that used to be my favorite picture of us. After our last loss, I couldn't even look at it without crying. It was from our beach trip when we got engaged. It was before we knew the hardship that we were going to be facing. It captured PURE JOY. And I couldn't look at it because I felt like I would never be able to feel that happy again. I would get mad when I would look at it sometimes. I would be mad that I felt like I was robbed of happiness I deserved. I was mad because we didn't even get to enjoy our marriage hardly before we were faced with losing our first pregnancy (remember, it was a surprise, about a month and a half after we were married) I am happy to say though, even though we have been through so much sadness, I can now look at that picture and be happy again. I feel happy again. Even though this road to a baby has been WAAAAAAAAAAY more difficult than either of us EVER imagined, and WAAAAAAAAAY different than I ever imagined it being and of course WAAAAAAAAAY different than any experience any of our friends have had (I'm talking chromosome problems here) but even with all of that, I'm happy. I'm happy with my husband who I love so much it's silly. I'm happy with my friends who have been beyond supportive and sweet. I'm happy with our families and how lucky we are that our families have a good time together. I know we will have a baby. And it won't be long. I just feel it. I don't know how that baby is going to come into our lives, but he or she will be here soon. That baby will be here and will join us on the sofa, laughing, enjoying our time together as a family, enjoying our families getting together and whether he or she likes it, will enjoy LOTS AND LOTS of kisses and snuggles because we have A LOT stored up while we have been waiting on that baby

I feel like I am leaving something out that I wanted to write about today. I am having to hurry to write this post because my computer has been acting up and I don't want to lose everything I've written so far! I wish I could show y'all the picture I'm talking about. But, I don't know how to use our scanner and so I can't! 

Hope y'all have a good weekend! 

I hope everyone has had a good weekend! We have been really busy. Kip has mostly been studying, but we have been able to sneak in some fun things too! His test is THIS FRIDAY!!!! I'm not sure who is more ready for it to be over with, him or me :) Plus, I can't wait to catch him up on alllllll these thoughts that have been going through my head over the past month. I have tried to only discuss important things that we have control over right now rather than all my swirling thoughts that jump into my brain. I don't want to distract him in any way! He has asked me time and time again to please update him on some of these things but I said no! He's so sweet. Just wants to make sure that I'm okay. I am. Most days. I did have a little break down Friday night (after his studying was done for the day) and he was right there by my side to comfort me. He's my favorite :)

Since we don't seem to have enough going on in our lives right now, I decided to accept the challenge from my BFF Jen and try the 100 days of real food challenge. Tomorrow (August 3, 2015) marks Day 1.... I have clued Kip in on this one. Annnnnd he is not too thrilled about it. But he's coming around. I made some pumpkin muffins from a recipe out of the book and got a 2 thumbs up from him. The butter in them helped win him over

This morning I sat down and got serious about figuring out our next 100 days. I went ahead and enjoyed a cup of coffee (with my favorite ingredients added in) for the last time while I read about how bad they are for me. Regardless of how guilty I felt, it was still my favorite kind of morning. Kip was here studying in the chair next to me, sipping his coffee and we got to engage in some chit chat here and there. I was snuggled under a blanket with my coffee and book (remember, we keep our house a little on the coooooler side so a blanket was necessary) 

I'm just joking. I didn't feel bad about my coffee because this book allows you to eat delicious, non-time consuming, healthy meals...without making you feel bad. The author, Lisa Leake, is very realistic. And, the best part is.... she not only gives you the recipes, but the grocery lists to go along with the meals!! Here is a little looksie at what the "pledge" to the 100 days look like.... 

I think I am more prepared for this than Kip. But, like I said, he is coming around. As the homemade meatballs are finishing up baking (and they smell delicious), he is becoming more and more okay with this lifestyle change I'm throwing us into...

 Let me give you a little background info on myself. In college, I was a double major in health promotion and nutrition. It was going to take me 5 years to complete both majors. My 4th year, I decided nutrition just wasn't for me. So I dropped the nutrition and graduated at the end of my 4th year with a degree in health promotion and psychology. I then completed my BSN in nursing through the accelerated program (13 months since I already had my 4 year degree)  I had decided during that 4th year that I wanted to be a nurse instead. Why didn't I want to continue with the nutrition you may be wondering? Well, I took it too far. I grew up in a household where we enjoyed food, didn't count calories (we were thankfully blessed with good metabolisms) and basically ate what we wanted. Well, through my majors I learned about different disease processes and how your diet can effect those processes. That is when I started to take it too far. I can remember standing in the pantry at night, hungry, with a calculator and calculating how many grams of such and such I had eaten that day. What did I have left over? How many calories had I consumed and how many had I burned off? (I knew the amount of calories because I measured everything out) I wouldn't eat something that wasn't good for me or that had been "overly processed." That was not a healthy way of life for me. It is one thing to eat well for health reasons. It is another thing to eat well and then obsess over what it is doing in your body and deprive yourself. I slowly but surely pulled myself out of that lifestyle, became a nurse and forgot all about it all! Now, I don't just pig out on whatever I want. I still maintain a pretty healthy and balanced diet, but I also buy a cookie cake (with as much icing as possible, for Kip) every week at the grocery store. Through everything we have been through the last 2 years, I keep saying I want to get healthy again. But my schedule has prevented me from doing that. But not anymore. It is time. Not time to obsess and take it too far; but time to treat my body like the temple that it is. I always said when we have kids I want to have them eat organic, wholesome food. Well, why not do that ourselves too? When you think about it, a product on the shelves that has an expiration date 2 years from the time you are buying it obviously has preservatives in it. What do you think it is going to do inside your body? It is going to preserve! So, for the next 100 days...we will eat "as close to the ground" as we can. No preservatives. No ingredients we have to sound out. No meat that has been shot up with steroids.

Oh! Another great thing about this book, it isn't overly expensive! I was terrified at the grocery store checkout this morning of what this was going to do to our bill.... only $15 more than our usual. And I bought spelt flour, more milk than usual and the hubby some beer to enjoy Friday when he is DONE WITH HIS TEST!!!!!

I'm working the next 3 days so I probably won't be updating before Thursday. But, I promise to return with an update on how we are surviving so far! Wish us luck!