Forgive me, this will probably be short; but I wanted to update you all on the progress of our little chickadees. We were told on Sunday that we had 5 embryos...2 were good, 2 were average and 1 was below average... okay, I can stomach that......

Today, we were told that of the 5, only 1 was biopsied today. There is another one that is looking pretty good for biopsy tomorrow, but the other 3 probably won't make much further. I keep telling myself "it only takes 1" Since our last IVF round, I have prayed and prayed for at least just 1 healthy biological baby. Of course, I would LOVE to have our 3 children that I always envisioned in my life. But it's not looking like that is going to be at all the way I imagined it. Yes, we still may get our 3, but it just might not be from us. BUT, I REALLLLLLLLLY pray that we can have at least just 1 that is biological

I feel so weird. I feel nothing. I feel flatlined. How do you know the difference between trusting your gut and having a good feeling that you will have at least 1 healthy one versus just wanting something so badly that you just "feel good" about it but really the feeling is not accurate? Pray. Pray. Pray. Pray. That is all I can do. That is all that is in my control. We are still praying for our Christmas miracle. The biopsied cells won't be sent off until January 4, 2016. From there, it will take 2-3 days for results. Deep down, I'm glad we won't find out results before Christmas

Again, I apologize for the short entry. I worked 12 hours yesterday and today and MAN my body is having a HARD time adjusting to those hours again. Thank goodness I go back to my 8 hour days tomorrow. I probably won't post again before Christmas, so Merry Christmas friends. I hope it is a wonderful one. We will be sweating in 70 degree weather....boo!!!!

I'm here! I apologize for the silence over the last few weeks. I have been working like crazy and time has just been flying. We finished out second round of IVF already. That was fast! Although it didn't really feel that fast going through it. This time was so different.

One would think that the first time would be more difficult. Not for me. This second one was the difficult one for me. Maybe it was because we went into it so quickly after our last miscarriage, maybe it was because this is my favorite time of year and it was sort of dampened by construction and shots, or maybe it was because I'm seeing the glass as half empty at this point rather than half full. If it is the latter, I'm not digging this side of me. Going through infertility, you have to stay positive.  Otherwise, it will beat you down. Ever since my trigger shot, I have just broken down in tears so easily. Let me recap the last 2 weeks for you.....

I started my shots while visiting our family in DC. If you remember from my last post, I was concerned about our 4 year old niece wanting to watch me do my injections, I was correct. We tried to distract her otherwise, but she is a smart little girl. She caught on and insisted on watching. "Why are you doing them in your tummy instead of your arm?" she asked so innocently. Followed by asking her mommy "mommy, are you going to give yourself shots too?" No sweet girl, this is not the norm, and I pray that you never ever have to experience giving yourself shots. Anyways, we started out with 25 follicles. Awesome! I thought....and as the days went on, my ovaries felt like they had a heartbeat. I felt like they were pulsating with every step I took. My ovaries were "taking a while to wake up" after our recent miscarriage. My doctor was really careful not to overstimulate me this time. I got pretty close the last time to being overstimulated

Just a couple of girls, hanging out in their Christmas pjs :) 

Gosh, I miss that sweet girl

Yesterday was my egg retrieval. I tell you what, I have been soo tired the last few weeks between working overtime and taking these shots, I went into quite the (welcome... don't judge me) fentanyl and versed slumber. Retrieved, 18 eggs. Fertilized, only 8. By today, only 5 are growing normal. I feel a little disheartened. I know, those numbers are better than some people and I should be grateful. And I am. But I am scared too. Last time, we had 20 eggs retrieved, 15 fertilized, 11 grew normal at first and we ultimately ended up with 6 embryos that were biopsied. When you are doing this for the "numbers" like we are, only starting out with 5 is scary. But all it takes is one. All I have been praying for is at least ONE healthy embryo. I have felt so weak this whole time. I felt so strong the first time. I felt like I was dominating IVF. This time, I sort of have felt more sorry for myself. And I can't stand that. I don't want others to feel sorry for me, so why should I feel sorry for myself?

This whole second time, the shots have stung so much worse. The needles have been injected almost apprehensively by myself (the last day, I literally felt sick to my stomach after giving myself my ganirelix shot...the needle is dull and I went for it way too slow) Needless to say, I'm glad they are done. My trigger shot was so much worse this time around too. The actual injection, painless like last time. But what was different... I didn't work the next day after the trigger shot the last time, this time, I did. My poor co-worker, she took my day of complaining like a champ. She told me I was fine and I deserved to complain. The site really was pretty gnarly this time and got worse as the day went on. I'm not sure why (who am I kidding, I do know why) I have been so emotional the last few days.... my hormones have gone crazy! They have been on a roller coaster the last few months

At this point, I'm not sure what to think. I have just been going through the motions it feels like. Not really thinking about anything too deeply. Tonight, Kip said that he is a little bummed and scared about the numbers as well. But he has that glass half full mentality still. He has reminded me that we always have adoption as an option. And I know this too. I just have to get my head back there. I truly just don't even know what to think right now. We should find out right before or right after Christmas what the chromosome results are. Right now, we are praying for a MAJOR Christmas miracle

BRING ON THE WINE! Kidding, sort of. I know that things could be A LOT worse. My family has their health, we have a roof over our heads as it has now rained for 2 straight days and we have heat that is warming our house. BUT GOOD GOSH. I just can't take any more surprises. Bad surprises that is...

For the most part, construction is coming along. We have lost a few days here and there, but otherwise we are trucking along. Tile is DONE, painting is starting tomorrow. BUT, tonight, we realized that the sink pipe in our NEW BATHROOM is leaking. YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!!!!!!!!!!!! Water, on the brand new floor, with the grout that was just done yesterday. THANK GOODNESS our contractor is wonderful and responds anytime, day or night that I text or call him. The news wasn't the worst thing ever that he delivered tonight, but let's just say we are now running out of sink options to be using. He thinks the hall bathroom sink is lined up with our bedroom sink and when we are using the hall bath sink, it is causing the other pipe to leak. He is sending a plumber out first thing in the morning to check it out. Let me just insert something here though... "first thing" in the contracting world, means no earlier than 8am. But when I clarified with him the time, he meant 9am. Now, for someone who leaves her house at 6am for work, 8 or 9 or 10am is NOT first thing. Rarely do the workers show up before 10am. Now, all supplies are already at our house. I always get a phone call the day before telling me that "so and so will be there between 8 and 10" WHAT ARE THEY DOING FOR THOSE 2 HOURS?!?!?!?!?!?! Not getting supplies!

There are 3 of us in a row that are having work done to our houses. We have all decided that Christmas is cancelled for 2016. It is really hard to do your normal stuff when there are people in your house and the dust factor is.... WHOAAAAAAA. Normally, we get our Christmas tree on black Friday and I decorate that day as well. This year, I refused a tree or decorating until the bathroom was finished. I didn't want yet another object to become a dust collector. HOWEVER, on Sunday, coming home from being with Kip's family for Thanksgiving, I broke down. We were in the car, on the highway and those silent tears started streaming. I couldn't pinpoint what was upsetting me. I think I just felt overwhelmed. With everything. And sad. This is MY FAVORITE time of year. Seriously! I can't get enough of Christmas time. And I feel like it is being taken away from me because of this construction and I have a deep dwelling fear that we could be receiving devastating news right before Christmas...

I go on Friday for my baseline blood work and US. I have been taking birth control for the last week. Tomorrow is my last day of that. Depending on my appointment Friday, I could begin administering shots Friday night. This should be interesting, we are going to visit Kip's sister and her family over the weekend and to celebrate our nephew's 3rd birthday. I am going to have to give my shots to myself while there. I'm nervous that our niece will wonder why in the world I am giving myself shots. Do we explain to her why? And if we say "we are trying to have a baby" or something to that degree, what if she asks where babies come from and then we have a whole new can of worms open and I hate to do that to my sis and bro in-law! This little girl doesn't really skip a beat though, and she is curious, and has already said she wants to be a doctor. I feel like she would take genuine interest in seeing these shots administered. Man, I am such a worrier sometimes

Tomorrow, December 2, 2015, is due due date of baby number 2. Once again, we should be celebrating a 1st birthday. I think that even though I may not feel the crushing heart feeling of sadness, it's there subconsciously. I've been getting pretty emotional and quick to temper. Today at work, a doctor was so rude to me that I swear the good Lord above came down and stopped me from jumping over the desk and putting her in her place. In 5 1/2 years of being a nurse, this is only my 3rd time experiencing this type of rudeness from a doc. Normally, we get along great! But this lady, she had a complex, she was trying to prove herself I believe. Well, she proved to be a real biddy and I planned on telling her to never be so disrespectful to me ever again if I saw her again after cooling down from her rude comment

Okay, so my ADD kicked in and I never finished our car ride story. Anyways, my sweet, loving, thoughtful husband noticed the tears streaming down my face and knew exactly what would cheer me up. Christmas music. He turned it on, and after a few minutes, asked if I wanted to get our Christmas tree when we got home. Duh! Of course! That music turned my mood right around and we got our tree and now, as I type this blog, I can stare at her beauty and remember the true meaning of this holiday. And as I stare at her twinkling lights, I know that our God is a great one and that His timing is the best and He will bless us when it is our time. And He is with me, with us, in the good times and the bad. And when I am feeling sad or down, I can look at that tree and be reminded of these things. And when I am not at home, I have a picture on my phone of it that I can look at for a reminder

Now, are you ready for a picture overload? Because here is comes....

First off, I really miss these 3 sweet, precious boys....

And I can't wait to see these 2 precious munchkins this weekend...

Sorry for the ranting and raving at the beginning of this post. I truly am grateful that we are able to even do these renovations to our bathroom. But I will be even more grateful when they are done! I will leave y'all with one final picture, our Christmas tree. My current happy place

She isn't decorated with ornaments yet. Except for 2. Kip and I have a tradition that each year, we give each other an ornament that reminds us of the other person. At first, we did it to jump start our ornament collection, but we have continued it through the years. At first, it was easy. Now, over the years, all of the obvious ones have been gifted already. Now, we really have to think about it and it is a good reminder of the things we love about each other. Each year, the night we put our tree up, we give each other our ornaments. From there, the next night, we fully decorate. We put a date somewhere discreet on each one. The hope is, one day, our children will cherish these as well as the tradition as much as we do (and lets be real, after we are gone, we want them to fight over them!)