Hellloooo 4 day weekend!! Whoop whoop! I always dread when I work 3 in a row. But then, when I get to enjoy a long weekend afterwards, it's not all that bad. Every morning before I go to work, I pray about the day. I always include in there to have a good patient assignment. That sounds horrible of me, but 12 hours is a looooooong time to have a bad assignment, and 3 days of that. Makes me feel bonkers. Well, God heard my prayers Monday morning because one of my patients was just the sweetest man. We took his breathing tube out on Tuesday. It is always interesting (and sometimes scary) to see what people's personalities are like when they can actually talk. I got lucky this time. This man was so kind. He was one of those people who you could read his mind through his eyes. He was scared. Rightfully so. He is a very sick man. But at the end of 3 days, when you are tired, and hungry and counting down the minutes until night shift shows up.... and somebody grabs your hand to hold, looks you in the eyes and says "I'm going to miss you, thank you" allllllllll the other stuff goes away. My mind has been occupied this morning by that sweet man. He was going to surgery today and I found myself wandering through the aisles of Target and he pops into my head. I wonder how he's doing? Should I call up there? Should I go up there? I stop myself from the latter 2 thoughts. I learned after my first 2 years on the bone marrow transplant unit where I used to work that you have to draw boundaries with these sweet patients. If you don't, you will find yourself heartbroken way too often. I go back to work on Monday; I will find out then how he's doing. And maybe I won't. For his sake, I hope I don't. I hope that he is doing well enough that he was moved out of the ICU by then....

Switching topics. Last night when we got into bed, Kip was studying and I was just scrolling through my sites that I like to look at before I go to sleep. Well, the adoption agency that I found and like so much has a facebook page. So, want to guess what I did for the next hour? I scrolled through all their pictures of happy couples that have adopted precious little ones. I loved reading about the success stories. By the time we were turning out the lights, I was ready to go ahead and email them, asking them to sign us up! But I didn't. Today at Target, I went through the baby aisles. I just like to look at the stuff. Sometimes it makes me sad and sometimes I get excited and have to stop myself from going ahead and buying something cute. Once I put my mind to something, watch out!! Because I don't back down easily. And by easily, that usually means at all. If I were a betting woman, I'd say by the end of next month, I bet we have an adoption profile ;)

Sooooo I had to shift my attention to Lowes instead. We are having to re-do our bathroom. One week after we closed on our house, the shower started leaking into the garage. Let me tell you, it is a good thing I wasn't doing IVF and didn't have an estrogen level of 4000 at that time because I'm pretty sure the entire world would have felt my anger on that one! But, it is what it is and now we will just make it our own. I am currently waiting on the contractor to get here to give me ANOTHER quote. Let me tell you, it ain't cheap! Even though it is an unexpected expense, we don't want to do a half-fast job on it and then have to re-do it AGAIN in a few years

Well folks, that is about all I have for today. Nothing really new. A tornado of thoughts going through my mind, designing a bathroom, wondering about patients, eating delicious tomato sandwiches (and a spicy pepper) grown from my dad's garden and staying inside to beat the heat. The humidity here has been INSANE. For us curly hair girls, that can only mean one thing. Fluff ball. No matter how good your anti-frizz serum is, you get fluffy as the day goes on

Okay, so I am not good with technology. Before I posted the entry about my original post being deleted, I looked for a draft of the original. Nowhere to be found. I post the quick version of this one and then find the draft sitting there. Waiting to be published. So... here it is.....

This morning I woke up and felt sad and panicked. I don't know why. Nothing changed. And maybe that's the problem. Yesterday I didn't "do" anything that will help us get closer to having a baby. I didn't research adoption at all. I know I am setting the image up to look like I am nose deep in research everyday; I'm not. But when I read about an agency or anything at all pertaining to adoption, I feel like I am "doing something." I've told you before, I am a fixer. So if I feel like I am learning how to help "fix" our yearning for a baby, I'm doing something and not just sitting around and waiting. Even if it is just for 20 minutes. It feels therapeutic

Maybe that isn't the problem at all though. I'm not sure. All I know, is that I woke up this morning and laid in bed for an hour before I could get up. I just wasn't "feeling" today. The verge of tears. Do you ever feel like if you could just get out a good cry you might feel better? But the situation has to be right for that to happen. You can't just burst into tears anywhere and anytime. So far today, I haven't had time for a good melt down.

I think there is some underlying anxiety and sadness that next month would be the due date of our little girl. When I see someone that is pregnant and they say they are due next month with a little girl, my heart explodes inside. Jealousy, anger, sadness, happiness for them and that they aren't having the troubles that we are.

My husband is studying to take his boards next month. This is a HUGE test. I try not to distract him so he can study with a clear mind. I don't want to throw my racing thoughts into his head. We talk on a daily basis about what's next for us. But he isn't in the fast lane to adoption like I am. He wants to wait, go through the next IVF round and then start (if needed) on the adoption preparation. This is the only time through all of this journey that we are bumping heads and not on the same page. Adoption takes a long time. I don't want December to come around and for us to just be starting on our profile, trying to find a lawyer, an agency, etc. Maybe it's the mother's intuition in me that I just feel adoption is right. Maybe I am just so eager for a baby that I am trying to rush things. We usually do a good job of balancing out each other and our emotions. His fear is that we start the adoption process now, and then find out (too late into the process) that we have a healthy embryo, or embryos and then end up having our child and adopting a child too close together. I keep telling him, oh well! That is just how it is supposed to be then! But he isn't going for it

You know, this is not an easy process. There are days that I feel like I am just dominating with strength and it is easy to have a happy face. And then there are these days. I get frustrated with myself and I know I shouldn't. Life is not always happy. It is okay to be upset sometimes. I'm just not good at hiding my emotions and I can't go through a day where everyone asks "are you okay?" because then the waterfall of tears would start. This is one of those days that a question could/would lead to tears. That is also the difficult part of sharing so much of this journey. Yes, I can talk about it [most of the time] and not get upset. But somedays, it is really hard. But I really appreciate when people ask, it is nice to know people are concerned. It is just all such a whirlwind. Right when I think I have it all figured out. I don't.

So if you are reading this and you have your own little babes. Hug them extra tight, kiss them one extra time and rock them to sleep a little longer than usual. Do it for all of us that long so badly for that opportunity

I'm going to end this with a picture that I found that I am trying to hard to believe and trust and be patient for

I wrote an entire blog entry today and it wouldn't let me publish it, nor did any of it save.

So..... here is a quick recap, minus all the emotion because now I am just frustrated.

I woke up just not quite "feeling" today. No particular reason. Nothing changed. Just a blah sort of day. I usually have a really positive outlook on our situation, but today, I just feel blah about it. I want to cry and I think I would feel better if I did. But those types of cries have to come at their own time and it just hasn't happened today. Probably a good thing; I've been really busy and not had time for a melt down. I think I just feel stuck right now. I can't do anything about anything right now. IVF takes time. Adoption takes time. I think the trend here is God is telling me to be patient. Something I am not good at doing. But I have no choice right now

My original post was longer but as I am writing this now, I think now I was just rambling and that made it longer. The jist of this post is that today, I just feel like I can't fake a happy face. I can't pretend that I am not affected by our journey. I don't feel depressed, I don't feel defeated. I just feel blah.

If you are reading this and you have your own little ones..... when you put them bed tonight, hug them a little tighter, kiss them one extra time and rock them to sleep a little longer. Do it for all of us that so badly want the opportunity to be able to that

I'm going to end this with this picture I found and I am trying so hard to remember these words. Especially today.

I woke up 2 mornings ago dreading IVF. I know I agreed to trying one more time. I very rarely ever take "the easy way out" but right now, adoption sounds so much "easier" than IVF. The shots. The nausea. The clenching of my jaw all night long (I think it is either anxiety related or due to the stimulation) The bad sleep while going through stimulation. The extreme fatigue and exhaustion.

Gosh, I really sound like a debbie downer this morning. But those are just all the things having to do with IVF that I am dreading. Nobody is making me do it. Except for myself. I just need to see one more time if we can get a better batch to possibly have our own baby.

I am coming to terms more and more with the possibility of not being able to have biological children. We went to dinner last night with some friends and heard all about the Children's Home because one of our friends used to teach there. She told us some pretty horrific stories and about some amazingly resilient children. She said they would pick a charity (yes! the very people who deserve to reap the benefits of charity are giving to one!) and donate to it. Her children picked the Humane Society. They were studying art at the time so they decided to auction their artwork and the proceeds would go to the Humane Society. They sold all of their artwork and made $180. The Humane Society let the children name the dogs there. She said some of the children told her they had never felt the fur of a dog before that day. Those kids touched my heart and I don't even know them. I will include the link at the bottom of the page if you are interested in just reading about this amazing place

I feel like we are continuing to heal. My mom came over yesterday and we put all the baby stuff away in a closet so that it wasn't staring me in the face every time I opened the door to "the first bedroom." Kip and I have even been able to call it "the baby room" and I have been okay with it. No instant tears or anything. It may not house a baby yet, but it will. Someday soon. Somehow.

I'm sorry if these post are starting to sound redundant. My brain feels that way. It doesn't turn off from this stuff. I process things best out loud and this blog has been a great way for me to process and not have all of my conversations with people centered around IVF and adoption. If you are going through anything difficult at all, I highly encourage you to start writing. It is amazing how therapeutic it feels. When I was pregnant the first time, I started writing letters to the baby. And then, after we lost that pregnancy, I knew I should write a goodbye letter. But I couldn't.That would be truly letting go. I wasn't ready. Months went by. One night, it finally felt like the right time. After we finished our dinner, I went into our bedroom, closed the door and just started writing. And crying. A LOT. But I wrote that goodbye letter and it was like 5000 lbs were lifted off my shoulders right then and there. So try it. It may not work for you. Or, you may realize it is much easier than you think it will be and the words will just flow. Nobody has to read what you write, or you can share it. It is up to you. But regardless, try it

Update: hot flashes are getting soooooo much better! I can actually wear my bathrobe in the morning again!

Link to the Children's Home website: http://www.tchome.org/

Ready, set, inject! Tentative date for IVF round 2 is August 14, 2015. We talked to Dr. J this morning and she said there is a medication that we used the last time (Lupron) that she wants to change and use a different one instead. Of course, that is the one that hurt the least! That's okay though. She said she doesn't think that it had anything to do with the chromosome accidents, but there IS SOME scientific data that suggests it could alter the chromosomes in some sort of way. She said that for a healthy, young couple, we are on the tail end of the bell curve and this is rare. Great. I hope none of you ever find yourself at the tail end of any bell curve

However. I feel good. I feel hopeful. I feel calm. Calm is not a word that is typically in my vocabulary when describing myself. I am usually the furthest thing from calm. High energy, over-thinker, anxious. Those are the words that are more often used to describe me. But hey, I'll take this calm feeling! I truly feel in my heart that we will be adopting. I mentioned that yesterday and wasn't sure that today I would feel the same way, but I do.

I feel excited. I feel like it is real. I feel like we are truly going to get a baby this time. Let the shopping begin!! Nah, I'll hold back. At least until we have actually found an agency, and a lawyer, and a social worker, and had a home visit, etc. Those are just a few of the things I have come across with the little bit of research I have started

Yesterday my heart broke. The Children's Home that is down the road from us has a produce stand that sells vegetables that the children have grown. Well, yesterday the kid that was working it waved to me from across the parking lot. I didn't wave back because I didn't think at first he was waving at me. But he did it again. So that time, I returned the wave. My aunt and uncle were with me and so we ventured over to check out what they had. Y'all. Best vegetables I've had all summer. I had the most delicious tomato sandwich for lunch today with a juicy, ripe german johnson tomato. On the side, a lemon cucumber. DELISH! [for those of you who don't live in the south, we are BIG fans of tomato sandwiches in the summer time] Sorry, I got distracted. Anyways, we started talking to the young man "Shawn" and he was telling us his story. Insert tears. But not in front of him. He said he lives at the home and he is about to age out so he will be going to live with his mom for 2 weeks and then his dad for 2 weeks, who is in Florida. Now, that doesn't sound that bad, I know. But, he lives at the home because the state didn't like his living conditions with his parents. You could tell by talking to him that he is a great kid. Not angry with the cards he has been dealt. In fact, he wants to go to school and ultimately get a job at the home to help the children there. My heart breaks for him. I hate that he has to go live in such bad conditions (whatever those conditions may be, but it has to be bad for the state to take him out of the home; that does not happen often) I pray that he is able to stay focused on his goal and able to get a job helping the kids. I told Kip last night, he is lucky that I didn't offer this kid to come sleep in our guest room. It took everything I had to hold back and not invite him into our home. That encounter sort of solidified the adoption feeling that I have been having. So we will see!

In good news, I finally have a closet in our house so I now must go and organize!

Well. I made it to work yesterday. Home is my comfort zone right now. And so is Kip. Kip had to work though so I figured I may as well go too. It was hard at first but as the day went on it got better. About half way there the tears started flowing and they kept flowing. I'm not sure why I was upset. I think it was waking up and realizing it was another day and everything was still the same. Friday evening's news was not a bad dream.

Everyone at work was very sweet and understanding. Working in an ICU in the hospital, you realize....life could be a lot worse! Especially when you see very unfortunate situations that people are in and they didn't do anything to get themselves in those situations. Annnnnd then you get the people who have put themselves (and unborn babies) in the situation where they are. As a nurse, you can't let your emotions control the way you care for a patient. That can be hard. Especially when someone is given the gift to have children and they take it for granted. But, again, I can't dwell on those situations when they come through the door. If I did, I would be angry and sad and wouldn't be able to do my job.

A little medical humor. But this is what you picture when 

you hear some of the stories the patients try to tell you

I have a peace in me that is comforting me right now. That peace comes from a feeling that I know God has a special plan in place for us. I have accepted that. Deep down, I feel like adoption is in our near future. I'm a fixer and a planner. I wanted to start researching about adoption last night. Kip pulled the reins back on that one. "Let's just wait and talk to Dr. J first and see what she recommends." okaaaaay.... which leads me to another feeling. Stubbornness.

I am stubborn and hard headed. I told him that no matter what she says, I still want to try IVF one more time. You never know. That healthy little babe could be in the next batch. Working in the medical field, I have seen for myself enough times, a different plan play out than what the doctors predict. I just need to see one more time if it works for us. The first go-round, I didn't really know what to expect. I even feel a little bit like an IVF snob or that I was kind of a brat about it. "I reallllly don't want to have to do this again so I realllllly hope that we get enough healthy embryos that we can implant one and freeze the rest until we are ready for another child and then another. 3 is my number. That is what I want. That is the number we have discussed and have planned for our family. I know I should be happy with one, but honestly, I would be disappointed with just one." Well, let me tell you. I am tooting a different horn this time! Now, oh what I would give to just have one. We can adopt from there to get to our family of 5. But I just pray so hard that we can have one biological baby. I want to see what he or she is like. Who do they look like? What will they grow up to be? I just need that one....

I think. Maybe those feelings go away after you adopt and that child that you bring into your home fills that hole in your heart. Maybe all those cares go away. I don't know. What I do know is that I truly feel like there is a child out there, that may or may not be born yet, that needs our home. They will need our love and our shelter and our family. I have always told Kip that I felt like at some point in our life, a child would end up coming into our home. I didn't know the circumstances, but it was just a feeling that I have had. I had these feelings before we had any idea what we were up against when it came down to starting our family. I just never imagined that the child would be coming into our home without our own biological children here too.

I am scared to get pregnant again naturally. The odds feel too much against us right now. And for me to give in to that, it is true fear. But it is also hard to swallow. I CAN GET PREGNANT!! So what the heck?? Sometimes all of this seems like it is not a reality. It seems like we can just try for a baby the ole fashioned way and be done! It is hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that I may not ever be pregnant again. If you are reading this and you are having trouble getting pregnant, I am so sorry. I do not mean to sound like I am whining. I'm just still processing. Will I miss that feeling? (even though it is sort of miserable feeling that badly) Do we want to use a donor embryo so that I can get that feeling again? So we can bond with our baby over the 9 months and by the time of delivery, we may even forget that the baby isn't "technically" ours?

Decisions, decisions, decisions. As you can see, my mind is all over the place. These wheels are turning!!! We talk with Dr. J tomorrow morning (Wednesday, July 22, 2015) and we will hear our options of where to go from here. In the mean time, we are still so thankful for all of our sweet family and friends who are being so supportive. We wouldn't be getting through this without your prayers. We feel those prayers and they get us through our days

{Disclaimer: all feelings are subject to change on a daily, hourly, or same string of thoughts, lately}

OH! I almost forgot. I was going to do a quick update on my symptoms. They are going away! (insert cheering!!!!) The bloating is gone. What is left is the extra few pounds I picked up while my appetite was ravishing over the last month. I didn't realize how much more I was eating ;) Emotions are getting easier to control. They were worse after all the shots than during! The worst part now.... HOT FLASHES. HOLY COW. I literally go into panic mode when one hits. Get all extra clothing items off that I can, pull my hair up, throw the covers off if in bed, run to the freezer if at home. WHOA. They are no joke! And this humidity that we have in the south, wow. It intensifies them like crazy!

Where do I begin? I don't feel like this is real. It doesn't seem like I should be writing this post. My heart feels numb. Not broken. Not sad. Not heavy. I just don't even feel it in there. In the past, losing a pregnancy comes along with the most crippling feeling. This is different. It's confusing. Because it doesn't feel real. We lost 6 embryos. But we didn't get to bond with them at all. I am confused on how I should feel. I feel mad and sad about the situation more than the loss of the embryos. That seems weird to me. But I guess it is because I was never "actually" pregnant with any of them. Right now, I feel anger towards pregnancies that don't seem right. That should be me! Or you! Or someone else. Someone that longs for and deserves a baby so badly. Somebody who will love that baby and bring it into a home that is waiting for it. A family that is waiting for it. But, I can't dwell on that. That is stuff that will break you down in these situations

Last night, I said I would update in more detail on what happened. I guess there isn't really anymore detail to tell though. We had 6 embryos who had a biopsy taken from them and sent off for chromosome testing. Every single one of them had a different chromosome abnormality. There is no trend to the chromosome accidents. This makes it more difficult to determine why it is happening and goes along with our original diagnosis "random chromosome accidents" and why were were doing IVF in the first place. What's next? We aren't sure yet. We briefly discussed it with Dr. J last night. We are going to talk more in depth next week. After we have allowed this news to sink in a little more. What we touched on last night though is that she wants us to try IVF again. Use a different medication regimen. I'm not sure why we would change up the meds though. That has nothing to do with chromosomes. I think the reasoning for trying the process again is a numbers game. See how many we can get the next go-round and test those. Our other options include using an egg or sperm donor. But, she said this would be difficult to determine which one would be best for us. Neither Kip nor I have any problems that they have been able to detect. It is cheaper to start with a sperm donor, so we could start there. The third option would be to use an embryo donor. We would use an embryo that another couple has frozen and chosen to donate to other couples who may need it

I go back and forth on the options available (at least that we know of right now) We will hear the statistics next week and ask more detailed questions on our options available. I worry about injecting myself with more hormones and the long term potential side effects of that. I worry that if we keep chancing it with our own embryos that time will get away from us and we will be older before we know it and just beginning the adoption process or something. Which adds a whole new worm to the can. Should we just adopt? Is that God's plan for us? Is there some child out there that needs our warm, loving home? [okay, our house is not warm. I like it to be cold in here. Kip freezes. But, it would be warm in a sense of love] Are we ignoring what is right in front of us? Or right down the road rather? There is a children's home literally in walking distance from our house. I told Kip last night, I know I would love a child that we adopt; I am afraid however, that I would always wonder what our child would be like or look like. I also told him that I feel like I could handle another round of IVF easier if we had adopted a child first and we knew that no matter what happened with the IVF, at least we would have our adopted child to love and raise. Adoption takes a long time though. What is going to fill this void until then?? What are the next few months going to be like? We have been planning as if I were going to be pregnant

Kip and I agree, God definitely has His plan in mind for us and definitely not our own plan. At all. But can He not PLEEEEEASE hurry up and show us what it is? We are okay with going along with His plan and His timing. We just reallllllllly want to go ahead and have His plan revealed to us. Can't we just have a baby in a moses basket delivered to our front porch? Here you go, here is a baby from a complete stranger, handed to you. They just drove down the street and thought "there, that house looks good." Yeah right! In my dreams. Seriously though, we need a break. And soon.

This has become one of my favorite scriptures over the last 2 years

There is one thing I know for sure. God has blessed me with my perfect soul mate. There is nobody in this world that I could do this with other than him. That numb feeling that my heart has, it goes away and is replaced with flutters when I think about him. Even though we are so happy with it being the 2 of us, and we could live a very happy life with just the 2 of us, we still want to expand our happy little family of 2. I was watching him last night facetime with our niece. She giggled at him the entire way through. He was so happy in that moment with her. Making funny faces, doing magic tricks by "taking his finger on and off" and just being silly. He is such a child at heart that there is no way this man can go through life without his own little bundle of joy to play with

So, for now, it is time to heal again. It is time to put my big girl panties on and deal with it. It is time to get in the mode of "what next." I will tell you what I will not be doing. That is going into the "first bedroom" because that will cause my heart to sink and come out of my feet. And basically roll down the hill. The whole room is just one big mental association of a baby. From the sweet light fixture hanging, to the baby items in there from previous pregnancies, to the mental images of where all the nursery furniture will be placed. The door is closed for now and it will remain closed until more healing has been done. And I guess I will walk around barefoot until then because that is where all of my shoes are. I don't have a closet in our house yet  [we are having to convert a closet into my clothes closet]

I will let y'all know what Dr. J says to us next week. I will try and not wait that long before posting again, but I can't promise. I will either be writing like crazy as a therapy of sorts for myself or I will be a little silent while still processing the news. One thing is for sure. We literally have the best family and friends anyone could ever ask for. The love, the support and the prayers that we have received have been amazing. We are blessed. We may not have received the news we wanted, but we are still blessed

5:04pm on July 17, 2015. Our baby world comes crashing down. Unfortunately we did not receive the news we were hoping for with our 6 little embryos. They all have chromosome abnormalities. We will not be able to use any of them. I will give a better update and explain what has happened later. I apologize for not doing it right now. We are still trying to take in this news. And, quite frankly, I can't see the screen through tears too well. So, bear with me and I promise to give a more detailed update very soon

My heart and mind are racing today. I have always struggled with anxiety. I used to take medication for it, but I don't anymore. I have learned how to recognize my triggers and talk myself through it. It's not working today. I have been very positive through this whole experience. I know it is okay to have some bad days here and there. But I don't like them! I don't like my mind controlling and distracting me from my daily tasks. Anxiety makes you only concentrate on the negatives (at least mine does) There are so many "what ifs" that will not get out of my head.

What if we are left with no healthy embryos after the chromosomes are tested?

What if we implant and there is another loss?

What if random chromosome accidents are not why we are having multiple pregnancy losses? We really only know that 1 of them was because of that. What if that is not the reason and we have done all of this for nothing?

What if we implant and it doesn't take?

While we were waiting for the results to come back from our own genetic testing, Kip and I started talking about what we would do if we found out one of us had a balanced translocation. [Disclaimer: this was before I started researching and didn't know about PGD yet] We talked about using a donor if we needed to. We would want to keep it in the family. But whoa, that is a really big favor to ask of someone. Would they be up for it? Thankfully, since both of our tests came back normal we could put that thought and anxiety aside. And replace it with other ones of course (at least I did)

Then, there is the complete opposite end of the spectrum. Sometimes I get excited and want to start preparing now for the baby. Sometimes I go into the room in our house that will be the nursery. We call it "the first bedroom" instead of the "nursery" when referring to it for now (it is the first bedroom in the hallway) Sometimes I go in there and I imagine how we will arrange the furniture. The crib can go there, oh no, it can't that is where the window is and the baby will be too close to the blinds. But if it goes there, it will be too close to that air vent. Seriously, sometimes, anxiety gets the best of me. That should not produce anxiety! But, occasionally it does. I literally have to hold myself back from buying baby things. I have ALWAYS wanted kids. I have wanted to buy baby items for YEARS but I held back. But through the last 2 years, I have bought things here and there either when I was pregnant or just out and about and couldn't resist an item for a good price. But that makes it hard. I go into that first bedroom and I see all the baby stuff. The soft blankets, the boppy pillows, the little tiny Wake Forest chair, the maternity clothes that my friend has let me borrow.... for the last 2 years. Sometimes when I look at all of that stuff I get excited and can't wait to put it to use. And sometimes, like today, I get scared and anxious. What if I never get to use that stuff? ANXIETY GO AWAY! YOU ARE NOT WELCOME HERE ANYMORE!!!! Dang it, it's still here.

I'm sorry if you are bored reading this. There isn't a true purpose to this post. I just thought if I could get these thoughts out of my head it might help. I really need to clean our house, but I keep feeling so distracted. When I was saying my prayers this morning and thanking God for all the blessings in my life, I had to apologize to him for my scattered thoughts and being distracted. Do you ever feel like you literally can not think about or through even simple tasks because your mind is totally in a different place?

Brace yourself people, this is going to be a long one...

Dr. Shu called on Saturday and Sunday. I'm going to do a little teaching before I tell you what he said. There are 2 groups of cells that make up the embryos currently. One group of them is the embryo and the other group will one day be a placenta. The embryos have to be "expanded" to a certain size to be able to differentiate between which is which. You don't want to go through all of this and then find out that the biopsy was removed from the wrong part! When taking a biopsy, ONE CELL is removed and sent to the genetics lab. So crazy! Thank goodness for steady hands and good vision! Okay, so let me get to the part you probably care more about. The update!

Here is what he reported to us:

-Only 4 embryos were ready to be biopsied on Saturday and the remaining 7 were left alone to grow more until Sunday

-We have 6 total embryos now (we had 11)

-as of today, Monday, July 13, 2015 the biopsies have been sent to Genesis Genetics right outside of Detroit, Michigan

-we should know the results of how many embryos have healthy chromosomes Friday

Wondering what happened to the other 5 embryos? Two of them just didn't expand enough to be able to differentiate the cells clearly enough and 3 did not continue to grow. Out of the 6 that were biopsied, 4 of them are of good quality and 2 are of a little lesser quality

I have mixed emotions on this. I know I need to be happy with our numbers. I think that if we were not having to have the genetic testing (PGD) done, I would be very pleased. Six is a lot of embryos and that would leave us with a good number to implant. BUT. Since we started out with 15 eggs fertilized, and then 11 of those turning into embryos, and then only 6 of them continuing to grow.... the numbers feel like they are closing in on us. What if only ONE of those 6 is healthy!? The obvious and optimistic side of me says "that's great! one baby is better than no baby. be happy with one. one is a blessing and don't be greedy." The glass half empty part of me says "but what if only 1, or 2, or 3 of those are healthy and the rest aren't? what if we implant and it doesn't take, we are down to either 0 or 1 or 2. I want 3 children. I don't want to have to go through this again." Please, don't read this and think I am being an embryo snob. Please, if you have been through this process more than once, don't be angry with me for saying I only want to do this one time. I am just going though the emotions and process of taking all of this in. I guess this is where doing some research would have helped. I thought if I just learn as we go, I could cut down on some of the anxiety of it all. I think I was wrong. I need to remember that it is quality, not quantity. What do I want? A healthy baby of course. I think my biggest fear is just losing a pregnancy again and knowing that we will either have to possibly dwindle down our embryo "stash" quickly and use another one right away or we will have none left and still not have a baby and then either go through IVF again or try naturally again (which could put us in a situation of chromosome accident happening again) I am trying realllllly hard to keep my mind at ease. Dr. Shu feels confident and he is the expert. I need to take that into consideration. I have to say, I am going to miss talking to him this week! I look forward to his phone calls and updates. I almost feel that momma instinct kicking in already and I find myself wondering about our little embryos and how they are doing. This dependence of phone calls and admiration I feel for all of those involved with helping us sort of leads me into the next topic on my mind....

Yesterday at work was a particularly difficult day. As a nurse, I see the loss of life almost on a daily basis (on the days I work that is) As Kip and I are trying to bring life into this world...I watch people have to say goodbye to their loved one that is either an elderly patient who has had the privilege of living a long life; or it is to a younger person who has succumbed to the addiction of substance abuse. Sometimes the deaths are expected due to a long history of battling an illness. Sometimes they are tragic and sudden. Sometimes somebody has been sick for a while and dependent upon the ventilator to breathe for them, IV medications to support their heart rate and blood pressure and dialysis machines to do the work that their kidneys can no longer do. And sometimes, somebody is on all of this life support for less than a day and their families are trying to wrap their head around the fact that just the day before, this person was walking and talking! It is never easy to see life slip away from us. Whether it be a life you never got to meet, a life that has been blessed  for many years, or a life that is cut too short and should still have many years left. It is never easy. Yesterday, my patient lost his life and we brought him back too many times to count. Until his family said "no more" after watching us resuscitate him many times.  In a 24 hour period, their life had changed drastically. My other patient, has been sick for many years. In and out of the hospital. Currently, a rather long admission. The family decided yesterday, enough is enough. She wouldn't want to be kept alive by machines any more. But, they said "don't make any changes to her care until tomorrow. We just need one more day." At the end of my day yesterday, I had multiple family members thanking me, the doctors, the other nurses and anyone else involved in the care of their loved one for all of our hard work. Thank you to our dedication. Thank you for being able to do this job, because they could never do it. I hear these thank you's and they keep me going. I don't expect them. But they are nice to hear. Even though life may be lost, they are still grateful for our work and admire us for coming in day in and day out to do such hard work. That keeps me going back. I don't think those things that they say about myself. To me, it is what I love to do. I now feel that admiration, that gratefulness, that "thank you for all of your dedication and time" feeling that my patient's and their family members feel. Dr. J and Dr. Shu (and the Genesis lab) are all giving us the chance to bring a healthy life INTO this world. I asked Dr. Shu on Saturday if he ever got to go home. His response "I get to save money on a mortgage by not" and a laugh and then "we work every day of the week here." On the 4th of July, Dr. J and Dr. Shu were the only 2 working in that building that day. No complaints. No bad attitudes. This is what they do. Each time they bring the most unimaginable amount of joy to a couple by giving them a baby, that is (I'm sure) what keeps them going. What makes them ignore the days of the week or the holidays on the calendar. They have dedicated themselves to us and I could not respect them any more or be more grateful for them

Told ya this was going to be a long one! There has been A LOT going through this mind over the last 3 days. Last, but not least, I wanted to give an update on symptoms and how I feel now that I am a week out from taking any medications. I have one word for you. HOT. 

Notice my compression socks at my ankles

Hot flashes. Oh my. My co-workers were laughing at me because every chance I got the last 3 days at work, this is what I looked like. I ended up having to tell some of our doctors probably way more than they ever wanted to know about the cause of my hot flashes because they were about ready to stick my veins and draw blood to test my thyroid. Nope! Don't worry guys, its just my estrogen level trying to come down from almost 4000!!! Standard range is 20-375. These hot flashes have also led to me having difficulty sleeping, as has the upset stomach. Last week, things were moving too slowly. This week, things are moving too quickly. I'm still bloated but it has gone down sliiiiightly. I am feeling a little more weepy lately too. It could be my hormones trying to come down, yet the natural process of my body raising them to welcome my monthly visitor. It could be the fear and anxiety of the unknown and waiting to hear about the chromosomes. It could be a mix of everything, plus knowing in the back of my mind that I would be due next month with our 3rd pregnancy. Our little girl. However, I am praying everyday for a calm mind. For Him to give me strength to handle whatever news we may receive Friday. For healthy embryos that continue to grow and that have healthy chromosomes. As always, prayers from you all are excepted and greatly appreciated as well!

I'm not very good with technology, or I would scan a picture from the brochure of what our embryos looked like over the weekend at the time of the biopsies. If you want to learn more about Genesis Genetics and what they do, you can visit their website http://genesisgenetics.org/about-us/

Update!! Dr. Shu called this morning and updated me on the status of our little embryos. We have 7 that are "above average quality," 1 that is "average," and 3 that are "below average quality." He says this is a good thing! In the past, I have done so much research that usually ends up giving me anxiety and scares me, so with this, I am sort of just trusting what they tell me and taking each phone call's information as they come. Weird for me. I like to be in control. But, I think I have just finally gotten to a point where I realize that I am not in control, God is. And the doctors.

I need to take a picture with Dr. Shu next time I am in the doctor office so you can see who I am talking about. Y'all this man is so happy. He has the biggest smile on his face all the time and even when he calls me, I feel like he is smiling. He always asks how I'm feeling and then does a great job of explaining where we are in the process and what is next. I felt slightly bummed because since I didn't research this part of it very much, I just assumed that how ever many embryos they made were how many we would end up with. Duh! Obviously they don't all continue to thrive and grow and they wouldn't in the natural setting either. But, he assured me that we were still on a good path. He said that he wasn't discounting the below average ones right now, they may catch up with their growth. Saturday he will look at them again and call back with another update

I was laying in bed last night, trying to sleep. Y'all, I don't know if it is all the estrogen in my body, but something hasn't been right since my retrieval and colace is now a medication that has found it's home in our medicine bin. Sorry, TMI, but it is part of this whole thing. And lets be real... is anything TMI at this point? Anyways, I thought I was dying last night as the colace was finally kicking in. Waking me up from a dead sleep. I then laid there for 3 hours trying to go back to sleep and thinking about what I was going to write today along with the update. So if this is scattered, I apologize, I am going to blame it on being tired again. What I came to the conclusion of is that I would recap the way I have felt through taking the meds and where I am now

Recap of symptoms:
-EXHAUSTED
-tearful, one day. I prayed about this one for months. Kip is reallllllly busy with work right now. He has so much on his plate and I prayed that I wouldn't be an emotional wreck that would add more stress to him. Prayers answered, thank goodness!
-quick to snap, now that I'm temporarily done with meds. I guess everything is trying to get back to normal. I've tried to be mindful though of my temper. The other night we got back home from walking and our house was hot. I was so mad! I told Kip our house was "hot as sh**" and he just looked at me, raised an eyebrow and kept going. No need to fight over something that silly
-BLOATED. Seriously. I'm Mrs Michelin Man right now. I'm slow, I'm waddling, my clothes are tight and it almost feels like it's hard to breathe from all the extra air in me
-nauseated. At first. That birth control. Ugh. Not a fan of it, never have been and probably never will be

Those are really the only ones I can think of right now. Now that all of that is behind me, I think the thought process now is 1) find out how many embryos have healthy chromosomes, and then breathe a sigh of relief and 2) implantation!

Now, I just feel excited! I think my mom put it perfectly today. It is almost like planning a wedding. We have gotten to this point and now we all feel so excited, we just want to start planning for baby and buying things! I was telling her about THE MOST adorable tunic I saw yesterday for a little girl and that is when she made the analogy. My mother-in-law made a good analogy yesterday. When I talked to her on the phone, she said "there's my little hen" hahaha, so true! I am like a hen right now (or at least I have been the last few weeks) We are not going straight into implantation. Sometimes I wish we were because I'm already bloated, my hormone levels are already crazy and I'm excited. But, we are waiting. We figured if we are going to have the "luxury" of choosing, we may as well do it when it fits best into our schedules :) Okay, sorry that post was sort of all over the place! I am working Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Depending on my how day goes Saturday, I may or may not post an update when I get home (13 hours of working sometimes leaves you coming home wanting to shower, eat and go to bed... to be able to get up and do it all over again) But I definitely will update by Monday, or on Monday. Have a great weekend!

Grow babies grow! My egg retrieval was yesterday (July 6, 2015) and it went so well! They were able to retrieve all 20 follicles, 15 of them being mature enough to fertilize!! Dr. J is our first hero and Dr. Shu is our second one. He is the lab director and makes all the magic happen. He called this morning to let us know that out of the 15 eggs they fertilized, 11 fertilized normally and are in the early state of embryo development!!

Okay, I got a little excited to share that information, so let me now start from the beginning. We had to be there at 7:30 am. I know it was supposed to be a happy time, but for some reason, in my mind, it kept feeling like we were going for a D&C (procedure to clean out your uterus after a miscarriage) I think it felt that way because so many things were similar... I had to be NPO (nothing by mouth) after midnight, couldn't wear jewelry or make up, going under anesthesia, etc. But, thankfully, I had my sweet sweet hubby right there by my side to remind me that this was a happy time!

These are the faces of 2 people ready to go make a baby!

Once we got there, got checked in, I got my IV I thought my mind would start to turn around. Nope, it didn't. Kip had to leave me to go to the magical room (I will elaborate soon on that) and there were the tears! I was sitting on the stretcher, all alone, looking at my IV and I was thinking about our babies that we have lost. I thought about sitting there for my first D&C and knowing that our baby was still inside me and had been for about a week at that point, not alive. That precious heart that we saw on the screen and heard beating, was no longer beating. The nurse came to check on me and bring me some kleenex. I told her I was fine! I had been pumped full of hormones for the past 2 weeks and thought about our previous losses and the emotions just took over but I was fine

In comes David. He hooked me up! He was the nurse anesthetist and he made all those worries and concerns go away with a delightful little medication cocktail. I remember waking up, Kip sitting next to me with a big grin on his face and telling me "they were able to get all 20! Good job Madi loves!" And then, I had to ask....... how did things go for you? This is what he told me:

I was so embarrassed. They walked me through the waiting room and I know everyone in there knew what I was about to do. They opened the door from the waiting room and took me directly into another room, right there! It was interesting looking. They had a military grade lock box with the "stash" in it. It was so awkward. I could hear people walking by, I could hear Dr J's voice down the hall. Let's just say, I washed my hands for quite a while after being in there...

Of course, he took pictures of the stash and sent it out to his friends so they could see the collection they have there. Undoubtedly they used to have movies because one friend told him he should have popped in (no pun intended) "Fire and Ice"  

Thankfully, through all the awkwardness, the deed was done and now we have 11 embryos that will hopefully continue to grow and thrive. Dr. Shu will call on Thursday with an update on their growth. Saturday and Sunday a single cell will be biopsied from each embryo and on Monday, sent to the Genesis lab in Detroit, Michigan. We should know the results  of how many embryos have normal chromosomes by the end of next week. Please keep your prayers coming! We are definitely feeling them and feeling very blessed

Oh! I almost forgot. Here is an update on my trigger shot injection site. Much better! 

Also, a little piece of advice if you are going to be going from an egg retrieval soon. Take a colace that night after your retrieval. Those narcotics sllllloooooowwwww the system dooooowwwnnnn

Sorry I didn't update yesterday, I literally have not ever felt this sort of exhaustion before. I know, it's not hard and doesn't use much energy to sit down in front of a computer screen and type. But right now, it feels that way!

I hope everyone had a great 4th of July! Kip was working and I started the day out going for an ultrasound and blood work. Let me just tell you, it was a ghost town at Comp Rehab (where my doc office is.) I pulled into the parking lot and there were 3 cars there; mine, the doctor's and another patient's who was having an egg retrieval that morning. I took a picture to show how empty the place was and then realized, I should have taken it from the back of the parking lot to get the full effect {I blame the exhaustion on lack of thought process on that one}

poor quality, sorry!

I knew when I woke up yesterday morning that something had to be going right because holy cow! My stomach was is so bloated! Here is a picture of yesterday morning and then last night. Dr J said it would get worse. She is on point every time she tells me to expect something!

left: morning, right: night

The ultrasound still showed 20 follicles. The largest one was measuring in at 19 cm, goal for retrieval is at least 17 cm. Whoop whoop! There were a few that were on the smaller size and Dr. J said she wasn't sure if she would be able to make embryos out of those; but, she felt confident in the amount that are good sizes to make a good amount of little babes for us. Since the entire building was closed yesterday, Dr. J drew my blood instead of going to the lab for it. Ha! It was pretty comical. I first learned that the room where we were is the room where "all the magic happens." I told her that Kip and I had talked about "that" room and wondered what it looked like. We wondered, would it look like a room from a movie? would it look really sterile?  Kip wondered if they "cavi-wipe" it (cavi-wipes are major disinfecting wipes that we use in the hospital.) Dr. J laughed and said "this is the room actually!" She said, "yes, we cavi-wipe it, we bug bomb it, we clean it very well. You see that black box? That is where all the material is kept." So.... now I'm sitting in this room, knowing what happens in there and about to get my blood drawn. I have to admit, I felt a little grossed out. After Dr. J nailed her stick and the blood was rushing through the tubing, we realized that the vacu-tainer wasn't screwed on and my blood was pouring out. She ended up comparing the scene to The Poltergeist and then apologized for giving me an A-line (an A-line is an arterial line that we use in the ICU to get the most accurate blood pressure when someone is really sick) Okay, the story may not be that funny to you, but it was pretty funny to me (could just be the medical side of me)

Dr. J gave the "go ahead" to take my trigger shot last night and it was to be delivered promptly at 7:30pm. The trigger shot's purpose is to let my body know to release all those follicles we have been building up and then exactly 36.5 hours later they can be retrieved. She warned me that the shot would be painful and would leave a rash. Insert anxiety the rest of the day. Absolute dread for 7:30 pm. The time came around and I administered the shot, and nothing! It was the least painful of all my shots so far! The most painful part was pinching my skin together at the injection site. It feels like my stomach is one giant bruise and so recently it started hurting just to grab my skin where I was going to inject that night

I went to bed and woke up this morning at 9:15!!!! I NEVER sleep in that late! I missed Sunday school and church, oops! As soon as I tried to get out of bed, bam! There was that pain she warned me about. The best way I can think of to describe it, is as if the site were the site of an incision from a surgery. Note to self and to others.... never give yourself a shot right at your waistline where EVERYTHING is going to touch it and hurt it. It is also very red

again, a pj shot. Can you tell I have been

practically living in them lately?

I almost feel febrile today. I don't have chills, but my body aches. My legs feel like they are going to give out from underneath me, my knees feel like they might pop undone and my lower back aches like an ovulation ache x10000000. I made it to the grocery store this morning and now I am home laying on the sofa. The only 2 things getting me off this sofa today are bathroom needs and laundry

I felt I deserved some bad for you snacks to 

enjoy while I lounge today

Among the many things I am learning throughout this process, there is one thing that continues to pop out in my mind. Thank goodness I am in the medical field and have some sort of knowledge on this stuff (at least the basics of injections and what not) MAJOR props to those of you who are going through this and have never had to draw up and administer shots prior to having to do it to yourself. There have been times that I, myself, an ICU nurse, my friend who is a nurse practitioner in the ICU and my husband who is a chief resident have all been confused by instructions or something. Wow! You go girls who are doing this blindly!

I will try and update tomorrow (Monday, July 6, 2015) after my retrieval. There may not be much to update on. Tuesday I am working so I won't be able to then, but by Wednesday I should have some updates. The lab is supposed to be in contact with us throughout the week on how many eggs were actually retrieved and how many embryos we have and how they are growing! As always, we accept your prayers and have some specific prayer requests...... please pray that the retrieval goes well tomorrow, that we have lots of potential embryos available, that our embryos thrive and grow. Thank you so much ahead of time!

Confessions:

-sometimes I cry when I give myself the injections. More like tear up. Not because of the pain, but because of the reality of the situation. The realization that I can get pregnant and yet, still have to inject myself with hormones and our embryos are going to be made in petrie dishes to be able to have a baby. But I repeat my mantra to myself.... it will all be worth it, it will all be worth it, it will all be worth it....

-as my stomach is getting bloated from the shots, and probably the pizza too! (I have not been cooking as much since I have been so tired and I can't drink my wine and enjoy the cooking process like I used to) Getting back on track...As my stomach gets bloated, I find myself getting excited to be pregnant again and sometimes, for a few seconds, I think I am pregnant. Does that sound weird? I just mean that I associate being THAT bloated with pregnancy. So naturally, my brain associates bloating with pregnancy

-with our retrieval date coming up (probably happening on Monday) I get excited. I sometimes forget that it is just the retrieval and not the implantation. Can you tell I'm ready to be pregnant again!?!

-we already have our baby names picked out. When I go for my ultrasounds to check on the follicles and their size, Kip asks me if I saw"blank, blank and blank" in there and tells me to tell them "hello" from him. I think it's pretty cute :)

-no matter how excited I am for someone when they tell me they are pregnant, my heart still sinks a little and I feel a little twinge of jealousy and anger. But by no means does this mean to hide your pregnancies from me people! I still have an overall excited feeling for you!

-on our anniversary, I had a glass of wine with dinner. I'm not supposed to drink during this process, but no embryos were harmed in the process. There were only follicles at that point. I thought it might be a tease and I would want more. But I didn't! Maybe it is the hormones talking, but I really didn't want anymore and my stomach felt kind of yucky the next morning

** Ultrasound from yesterday (July 2, 2015) showed a total of 20 follicles. My estrogen level is increasing as it should be and Dr. J told me everything on my ultrasound looked "gorgeous." I saw chocolate chip cookies on the screen. Really!! Ovaries with that many follicles looks like chocolate chip cookies! I will go for another ultrasound and more blood work tomorrow (July 4, 2015) to determine exactly when the retrieval date will be. It will be either Monday or Tuesday. I will keep you posted! Happy 4th of July weekend everyone!