I woke up 2 mornings ago dreading IVF. I know I agreed to trying one more time. I very rarely ever take "the easy way out" but right now, adoption sounds so much "easier" than IVF. The shots. The nausea. The clenching of my jaw all night long (I think it is either anxiety related or due to the stimulation) The bad sleep while going through stimulation. The extreme fatigue and exhaustion.

Gosh, I really sound like a debbie downer this morning. But those are just all the things having to do with IVF that I am dreading. Nobody is making me do it. Except for myself. I just need to see one more time if we can get a better batch to possibly have our own baby.

I am coming to terms more and more with the possibility of not being able to have biological children. We went to dinner last night with some friends and heard all about the Children's Home because one of our friends used to teach there. She told us some pretty horrific stories and about some amazingly resilient children. She said they would pick a charity (yes! the very people who deserve to reap the benefits of charity are giving to one!) and donate to it. Her children picked the Humane Society. They were studying art at the time so they decided to auction their artwork and the proceeds would go to the Humane Society. They sold all of their artwork and made $180. The Humane Society let the children name the dogs there. She said some of the children told her they had never felt the fur of a dog before that day. Those kids touched my heart and I don't even know them. I will include the link at the bottom of the page if you are interested in just reading about this amazing place

I feel like we are continuing to heal. My mom came over yesterday and we put all the baby stuff away in a closet so that it wasn't staring me in the face every time I opened the door to "the first bedroom." Kip and I have even been able to call it "the baby room" and I have been okay with it. No instant tears or anything. It may not house a baby yet, but it will. Someday soon. Somehow.

I'm sorry if these post are starting to sound redundant. My brain feels that way. It doesn't turn off from this stuff. I process things best out loud and this blog has been a great way for me to process and not have all of my conversations with people centered around IVF and adoption. If you are going through anything difficult at all, I highly encourage you to start writing. It is amazing how therapeutic it feels. When I was pregnant the first time, I started writing letters to the baby. And then, after we lost that pregnancy, I knew I should write a goodbye letter. But I couldn't.That would be truly letting go. I wasn't ready. Months went by. One night, it finally felt like the right time. After we finished our dinner, I went into our bedroom, closed the door and just started writing. And crying. A LOT. But I wrote that goodbye letter and it was like 5000 lbs were lifted off my shoulders right then and there. So try it. It may not work for you. Or, you may realize it is much easier than you think it will be and the words will just flow. Nobody has to read what you write, or you can share it. It is up to you. But regardless, try it

Update: hot flashes are getting soooooo much better! I can actually wear my bathrobe in the morning again!

Link to the Children's Home website: http://www.tchome.org/