Where do I begin? I don't feel like this is real. It doesn't seem like I should be writing this post. My heart feels numb. Not broken. Not sad. Not heavy. I just don't even feel it in there. In the past, losing a pregnancy comes along with the most crippling feeling. This is different. It's confusing. Because it doesn't feel real. We lost 6 embryos. But we didn't get to bond with them at all. I am confused on how I should feel. I feel mad and sad about the situation more than the loss of the embryos. That seems weird to me. But I guess it is because I was never "actually" pregnant with any of them. Right now, I feel anger towards pregnancies that don't seem right. That should be me! Or you! Or someone else. Someone that longs for and deserves a baby so badly. Somebody who will love that baby and bring it into a home that is waiting for it. A family that is waiting for it. But, I can't dwell on that. That is stuff that will break you down in these situations

Last night, I said I would update in more detail on what happened. I guess there isn't really anymore detail to tell though. We had 6 embryos who had a biopsy taken from them and sent off for chromosome testing. Every single one of them had a different chromosome abnormality. There is no trend to the chromosome accidents. This makes it more difficult to determine why it is happening and goes along with our original diagnosis "random chromosome accidents" and why were were doing IVF in the first place. What's next? We aren't sure yet. We briefly discussed it with Dr. J last night. We are going to talk more in depth next week. After we have allowed this news to sink in a little more. What we touched on last night though is that she wants us to try IVF again. Use a different medication regimen. I'm not sure why we would change up the meds though. That has nothing to do with chromosomes. I think the reasoning for trying the process again is a numbers game. See how many we can get the next go-round and test those. Our other options include using an egg or sperm donor. But, she said this would be difficult to determine which one would be best for us. Neither Kip nor I have any problems that they have been able to detect. It is cheaper to start with a sperm donor, so we could start there. The third option would be to use an embryo donor. We would use an embryo that another couple has frozen and chosen to donate to other couples who may need it

I go back and forth on the options available (at least that we know of right now) We will hear the statistics next week and ask more detailed questions on our options available. I worry about injecting myself with more hormones and the long term potential side effects of that. I worry that if we keep chancing it with our own embryos that time will get away from us and we will be older before we know it and just beginning the adoption process or something. Which adds a whole new worm to the can. Should we just adopt? Is that God's plan for us? Is there some child out there that needs our warm, loving home? [okay, our house is not warm. I like it to be cold in here. Kip freezes. But, it would be warm in a sense of love] Are we ignoring what is right in front of us? Or right down the road rather? There is a children's home literally in walking distance from our house. I told Kip last night, I know I would love a child that we adopt; I am afraid however, that I would always wonder what our child would be like or look like. I also told him that I feel like I could handle another round of IVF easier if we had adopted a child first and we knew that no matter what happened with the IVF, at least we would have our adopted child to love and raise. Adoption takes a long time though. What is going to fill this void until then?? What are the next few months going to be like? We have been planning as if I were going to be pregnant

Kip and I agree, God definitely has His plan in mind for us and definitely not our own plan. At all. But can He not PLEEEEEASE hurry up and show us what it is? We are okay with going along with His plan and His timing. We just reallllllllly want to go ahead and have His plan revealed to us. Can't we just have a baby in a moses basket delivered to our front porch? Here you go, here is a baby from a complete stranger, handed to you. They just drove down the street and thought "there, that house looks good." Yeah right! In my dreams. Seriously though, we need a break. And soon.

This has become one of my favorite scriptures over the last 2 years

There is one thing I know for sure. God has blessed me with my perfect soul mate. There is nobody in this world that I could do this with other than him. That numb feeling that my heart has, it goes away and is replaced with flutters when I think about him. Even though we are so happy with it being the 2 of us, and we could live a very happy life with just the 2 of us, we still want to expand our happy little family of 2. I was watching him last night facetime with our niece. She giggled at him the entire way through. He was so happy in that moment with her. Making funny faces, doing magic tricks by "taking his finger on and off" and just being silly. He is such a child at heart that there is no way this man can go through life without his own little bundle of joy to play with

So, for now, it is time to heal again. It is time to put my big girl panties on and deal with it. It is time to get in the mode of "what next." I will tell you what I will not be doing. That is going into the "first bedroom" because that will cause my heart to sink and come out of my feet. And basically roll down the hill. The whole room is just one big mental association of a baby. From the sweet light fixture hanging, to the baby items in there from previous pregnancies, to the mental images of where all the nursery furniture will be placed. The door is closed for now and it will remain closed until more healing has been done. And I guess I will walk around barefoot until then because that is where all of my shoes are. I don't have a closet in our house yet  [we are having to convert a closet into my clothes closet]

I will let y'all know what Dr. J says to us next week. I will try and not wait that long before posting again, but I can't promise. I will either be writing like crazy as a therapy of sorts for myself or I will be a little silent while still processing the news. One thing is for sure. We literally have the best family and friends anyone could ever ask for. The love, the support and the prayers that we have received have been amazing. We are blessed. We may not have received the news we wanted, but we are still blessed