Well. I made it to work yesterday. Home is my comfort zone right now. And so is Kip. Kip had to work though so I figured I may as well go too. It was hard at first but as the day went on it got better. About half way there the tears started flowing and they kept flowing. I'm not sure why I was upset. I think it was waking up and realizing it was another day and everything was still the same. Friday evening's news was not a bad dream.

Everyone at work was very sweet and understanding. Working in an ICU in the hospital, you realize....life could be a lot worse! Especially when you see very unfortunate situations that people are in and they didn't do anything to get themselves in those situations. Annnnnd then you get the people who have put themselves (and unborn babies) in the situation where they are. As a nurse, you can't let your emotions control the way you care for a patient. That can be hard. Especially when someone is given the gift to have children and they take it for granted. But, again, I can't dwell on those situations when they come through the door. If I did, I would be angry and sad and wouldn't be able to do my job.

A little medical humor. But this is what you picture when 

you hear some of the stories the patients try to tell you

I have a peace in me that is comforting me right now. That peace comes from a feeling that I know God has a special plan in place for us. I have accepted that. Deep down, I feel like adoption is in our near future. I'm a fixer and a planner. I wanted to start researching about adoption last night. Kip pulled the reins back on that one. "Let's just wait and talk to Dr. J first and see what she recommends." okaaaaay.... which leads me to another feeling. Stubbornness.

I am stubborn and hard headed. I told him that no matter what she says, I still want to try IVF one more time. You never know. That healthy little babe could be in the next batch. Working in the medical field, I have seen for myself enough times, a different plan play out than what the doctors predict. I just need to see one more time if it works for us. The first go-round, I didn't really know what to expect. I even feel a little bit like an IVF snob or that I was kind of a brat about it. "I reallllly don't want to have to do this again so I realllllly hope that we get enough healthy embryos that we can implant one and freeze the rest until we are ready for another child and then another. 3 is my number. That is what I want. That is the number we have discussed and have planned for our family. I know I should be happy with one, but honestly, I would be disappointed with just one." Well, let me tell you. I am tooting a different horn this time! Now, oh what I would give to just have one. We can adopt from there to get to our family of 5. But I just pray so hard that we can have one biological baby. I want to see what he or she is like. Who do they look like? What will they grow up to be? I just need that one....

I think. Maybe those feelings go away after you adopt and that child that you bring into your home fills that hole in your heart. Maybe all those cares go away. I don't know. What I do know is that I truly feel like there is a child out there, that may or may not be born yet, that needs our home. They will need our love and our shelter and our family. I have always told Kip that I felt like at some point in our life, a child would end up coming into our home. I didn't know the circumstances, but it was just a feeling that I have had. I had these feelings before we had any idea what we were up against when it came down to starting our family. I just never imagined that the child would be coming into our home without our own biological children here too.

I am scared to get pregnant again naturally. The odds feel too much against us right now. And for me to give in to that, it is true fear. But it is also hard to swallow. I CAN GET PREGNANT!! So what the heck?? Sometimes all of this seems like it is not a reality. It seems like we can just try for a baby the ole fashioned way and be done! It is hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that I may not ever be pregnant again. If you are reading this and you are having trouble getting pregnant, I am so sorry. I do not mean to sound like I am whining. I'm just still processing. Will I miss that feeling? (even though it is sort of miserable feeling that badly) Do we want to use a donor embryo so that I can get that feeling again? So we can bond with our baby over the 9 months and by the time of delivery, we may even forget that the baby isn't "technically" ours?

Decisions, decisions, decisions. As you can see, my mind is all over the place. These wheels are turning!!! We talk with Dr. J tomorrow morning (Wednesday, July 22, 2015) and we will hear our options of where to go from here. In the mean time, we are still so thankful for all of our sweet family and friends who are being so supportive. We wouldn't be getting through this without your prayers. We feel those prayers and they get us through our days

{Disclaimer: all feelings are subject to change on a daily, hourly, or same string of thoughts, lately}

OH! I almost forgot. I was going to do a quick update on my symptoms. They are going away! (insert cheering!!!!) The bloating is gone. What is left is the extra few pounds I picked up while my appetite was ravishing over the last month. I didn't realize how much more I was eating ;) Emotions are getting easier to control. They were worse after all the shots than during! The worst part now.... HOT FLASHES. HOLY COW. I literally go into panic mode when one hits. Get all extra clothing items off that I can, pull my hair up, throw the covers off if in bed, run to the freezer if at home. WHOA. They are no joke! And this humidity that we have in the south, wow. It intensifies them like crazy!