Monday, January 11, 2016. This isn't our year. At least not yet. I received a phone call yesterday afternoon from our embryologist telling me that yet again, our embryos are sick. Chromosome abnormalities. Different chromosome accidents from each other, however, I am unsure whether or not these 2 have any of the same accidents as embryos in the past. I had a feeling yesterday that that would be the day. The day that would tell us if we were ready for more shots because we received good news, or the day that I wasn't sure how I would feel because we received bad news. Well, I don't think that I "felt" anything. I stayed baseline, flat, no emotion, no tears, no feeling like my heart was at my feet or my stomach was in my mouth. Just. Nothing. Kip said last night "I hate how I'm almost immune to the numbness." He was so right. I think neither of us had any expectations and we were just going to be elated if the news came back good. The first time we went through IVF and PGS, neither of us could have dreamed that we wouldn't have any healthy embryos out of all of them. So when we got the bad news, we were literally devastated. This time, we had no expectations. Unfortunately, that happens with infertility as you continue to go through it

The last few weeks (well, months, really) I have been praying very specifically. I have been praying for strength, for His timing, for His plan, for understanding of His plan and for clarity of His plan. I mean, I'm all for God's plan and timing.... I surrender! I've stopped trying to plan this stuff myself, but my goodness, could He not reveal His plan without us having to spend THOUSANDS of dollars and painful days, weeks and months waiting?? Tonight, for the first time since around this time last year (after our 3rd natural pregnancy loss) I felt angry for a minute. I was mad, because, of all the things I pray for, of all the things I want and long for, does He not hear this prayer??? Does He not want to bless us with a miracle baby, a rainbow baby, a healthy baby???? WHY!!!!????? Don't get me wrong, He blesses us with SO MUCH and He seems to fulfill most all of my other prayers, which I am BEYOND grateful for [I typically don't like to pray "selfishly"] but tonight, for a brief moment, I was mad. And I wanted to know why He couldn't fulfill this prayer, this time. I literally cannot give up anything else to Him to prove how much I trust Him and His plan and His timing. But, as I have said before, I know that our God doesn't want to punish us or see us hurt and upset. But I just don't understand why our plan hasn't and can't be revealed to us. What else can I do?? I found these quotes on Instagram and felt they were very appropriate for right now....

I know one thing is for sure, I have prayed for strength and He has definitely delivered on that one. I think. I may (but hopefully not) be becoming bitter about this situation. I don't think bitter is the right word to use, but I am not up for talking about it like I once was. This journey has gotten to a point where I feel very defeated. I don't know what to do except keep praying. I am so very grateful for the strength that I receive daily, heck, every minute, because otherwise, I would be nothing. Whenever I feel like He hasn't heard my prayers, I just think about the strength that I feel most of the time, and that right there allows me to know that He hears my prayers and answers them

I feel a little frustrated and angry right now about this situation from a medical standpoint. Without going into a lot of detail before we have more answers for now, I am leaning towards getting a second opinion now. I will elaborate more when I have more details and can put the pieces together a little better

I will continue to update as we find out more information. Oh, and in case you were wondering, no bathroom pictures yet because we are STILL waiting on them to come and fix the things they messed up. I can't even talk about it. It makes me too angry and I tense up and clench my jaw all night long while trying to sleep 

I hope everyone had a happy new year! We did exactly what I wanted to do...nothing! Kip has been a little under the weather, I've been working like crazy and wanted to start 2016 off well rested. Mission accomplished. It wasn't even 9pm and we were in bed. Yesterday, we hung around the house. We got to be lazy and we started a new project. The bathroom is STILL not done. We are close. Waiting on the glass for the shower and there are touch-ups that need to be completed, then I will share some pictures

In other news, this upcoming week is the week. Our embryo biopsies should be sent off Monday. From there, we should know chromosome results in 2-3 days. In my last update, only 1 embryo had been biopsied; we now have 2 (compared to 6 last time) but it only takes ONE. I can feel myself shutting down. It's been easy to distract myself and keep busy through the holidays. I love knowing that we have 2 frozen embryos right now that are healthy as of right now. I can ride by the building and wave and tell them hello and give them a pep talk. But once the lab has those samples, it's a whole new ballgame. I think I'm so anxious for 2 reasons...1) bad experience the first go-round 2) as of right now, I don't plan on trying IVF anymore if we don't get good news again. That makes it more anxiety producing I think. I think it might be to the equivalent of a mom knowing her baby is her last baby. No more after that one. I think there's a grieving process there. It's so scary to know that this could be it. Even though the doctors all say we should keep going and trying even if we get bad news again. How many times do you do this to your body? When I think about the numbers, it blows my mind....we have now been on this journey for 2 1/2 years, I've been pregnant 4 times,  we have had a total of 10 unhealthy babes (counting natural pregnancies and the 6 embryos tested last time through IVF), in 2015 alone, I was pregnant twice and went through IVF twice. Wow! And I wonder why my body has changed so much.....

I know I don't need to be anxious, but I can't help it. I was sitting here making a grocery list for the upcoming week and this awful feeling came over me. I thought to myself "Wednesday or Thursday need to be easy meals, if the results are bad, you need to be able to cook something easy since you'll be so sad) and then, I worry about getting that phone call while at work. Although, bad news is always delivered around 5pm. I think they make us the last ones on the list to call that day. I'm trying so hard to not let this stuff get to me. I'm trying to not let my mind wander. I'm trying to worship, not worry. I'm trying to keep positive thoughts. But I'm scared. I wish I could just crawl in a hole for the next few days. No socializing needed, no critical thinking needed, no need to put on a fake happy face. But I can't. Life has to go on. So, friends, I'm going to ask for your help. I'm going to need your prayers. I need you to pray for calm nerves, for strength, for good news, for understanding of His plan