Where did my strength go? And how did it go so quickly? How can I be okay all day and then the smallest little thing set me off? This is not me. Hormones I guess? I'm going to blame it on that anyways. It's so strange; this last pregnancy. It was SO real. But somehow it's like it just dissolved. It fizzled out. It went away. I can talk very casual about it and be okay. But I stop there. If I let my mind and my heart get together, the conversation wouldn't be so casual anymore

With starting our new round of IVF, I'm scared I won't emotionally handle it as well as I did the first time. For many reasons... for one, my hormones are still trying to get back to normal from a pregnancy and I'm throwing them off almost immediately. And two, this could possibly be the last time we ever try for our children. Months ago, I was okay with this. Or at least I thought I was. My heart still breaks when I see or hear of kids who are of in need. And I wonder, is that my sign for adoption? Or maybe that's just a normal response. Right now, I need that bump. I need that pregnancy. I need that baby. I need to feel like me again. I need to not cry when typing that. I need to feel strong. I need to not feel broken. I pray for strength, I pray for peace of mind and heart, I pray to feel like me again, I pray to handle this next round of IVF like a champ, I pray for understanding and I pray for a healthy baby

Sorry this is so short. I'm not sure what I'm trying to really even say here. I guess I just feel sad, and weak and I wanted to write to see if I felt better. But I don't. Maybe I just need to let the emotion take over for a bit. Maybe I need to let myself feel the pain, instead of trying to just get past it. I read a quote the other night that has really stuck with me the last few days...."I'm exhausted from trying to be stronger than I feel" I feel like such a downer right now. Especially with Thanksgiving coming up. I'm so blessed and so thankful for so much. But I can't help how I feel right now. Trust me, I wish I could change it

I feel like I am going to lose it. And soon. Let me just warn you... if you are going to have a renovation done at your house, MOVE OUT and don't be pregnant, or going through IVF or a miscarriage while the reno is being done

Our house is something that I can control. For the most part. I can control the decorating. I can control the cleanliness. I can control who is here and when. But right now, all of that is out of my control. There are men working at all hours of the day. On days off, I have to wake up very early still and shower and get ready, and then sit and enjoy some coffee and catch up on my shows or get things done. I have to do this because I am always told "so and so will there at your house between 8-10." Now, do you think that even ONE DAY that ANYONE has showed up at 8am??? NOPE!!! But, the day that I DON'T take a shower and get ready by 8am, will be the day someone gets here then. Don't get me wrong, I am so grateful that we will have a new, gorgeous bathroom. BUT. This is just poor timing. The fact that we were basically forced into the renovation is aggravating, but the fact that the ONE THING that I could control (our house) is now added to the list of things OUT OF MY CONTROL

Control freak? No. Not really. Depends on what we are talking about. But when you are experiencing infertility, something that is so out of your control, you look for SOMETHING to be able to control. My hormones are trying to stabilize and I am trying so hard to be strong. I have not really grieved our loss very much. Sort of hard when there's strange men in your house 6/7 days a week. I'm trying to be myself as much as possible still. But holding it all in may be coming back to get me. Trying to be strong and happy may be working against me. I feel like my temper has been quick to fire. I don't like being like that. I feel like I could probably cry very easily if the right (or wrong) prompt came about

Sorry for my rant. This dust is just getting to me. The filth. The chaos. Just when our house was coming together, we had to move everything around again. I like for everything to have a home. If it doesn't, I donate it. Right now, everything feels out of place. Hopefully only a few more weeks. I can't wait to show the before and after pictures. They have all been working really hard. It is going to look beautiful. I just need to keep my eye on the prize. I can do this!

That sting? It's jealousy. It's jealousy that hits when I see posts about baby girls being born or a gender reveal revealing a baby girl. I don't know why. Honestly, I had always pictured myself with a baby boy. We have the name, it's special to us and baby boys love their mamas. But. Ever since we found out that our third baby was a girl, I'm stuck. I'm jealous. I'm sad. And I don't want to feel this way. I have so much to be thankful for. Yes, we are having trouble having a baby, but otherwise, I am blessed. More than I should be. After all we have been through, the sex doesn't matter. A healthy baby is the ultimate and only goal. But again, the image of a girl pops into my head immediately when I type that. My husband with a baby girl. I tear up thinking about it. A daddy's girl. Picturing my husband craddling our baby girl, my heart is full. No matter what the gender, he will be the best daddy ever. But there is just something about a daddy-daughter relationship that is undeniable

When I was a little girl, I would sit on my dad's shoulders while he mowed the yard. How? I'm not sure. I'm not sure how he was able to do both, but he did. He gave me a necklace that said "daddy's girl" on it. One day, we (and I use that term loosely) were mowing the yard and my necklace must have fallen off during that time. That was the first time I ever recall my heart feeling like it was in my feet. I searched our front yard forever. I couldn't find it. I never did find it. Every once in a while, I think back to that day. My mom helped me look for it, but I guess the lawn mower ate it :/

I always pictured my husband with a son. Until I saw pictures from our wedding. His sister's best friend's daughter was at our reception. In the picture, my husband was wearing his blue seersucker suit, squatting down next to the most precious little girl; blond curls, light blue dress. She could have passed for his own. That was the first time I ever saw my husband "coordinating" with a baby girl. A baby girl that so resembled what I picture our own to look like. Ever since then, my heart yearns for my husband to have a baby girl

Please don't get me wrong. I have tons of images of life with a baby boy too. And trust me, if when we get to that point where we have a healthy baby and we find out the gender, it will not matter if it is a boy or girl. But I'm human. And a girl. And as a girl, you can't help but envision your future. No matter what you've been through. You STILL have visions. I will be OVERJOYED by the fact that we have a healthy baby. All I'm saying, is that the "sting" that I blogged about in my last post, happens to be when baby girls are involved

We are not sure what our next step will be. Probably one more round of IVF. We need to meet with Dr.J and figure out a plan. We need to pray. What is the best direction for us to go next? At this point, I'm not sure how to "trust" that "sign" because I have misinterpreted so badly in the past. But what our plan is, I know, it WILL be revealed....

What. A. Week. We had our follow up ultrasound, and there was no little heart beating on the screen and the baby hadn't changed in size. So I had yet another D&C. It's sad when you don't need all the pre-op instructions anymore because it's not your first rodeo, or second, it's your third (3 D&Cs and 1 natural) But we are making it through it, again.

I don't think it has really hit me yet. My symptoms MAY have been starting to dwindle but for the most part, I still felt very much pregnant up until the surgery. My belly still swells with eating (although not as much now), it is still uncomfortable to lay on my stomach to sleep and I still find myself holding onto my stomach. I'm not sure if having the week to prepare ourselves helped with the transition, or if it is because we have been through this so many times, or maybe, it is God just doing what we prayed for; giving us strength to handle this situation. I'm sure the sting will come. Those would-be milestones usually sting a bit. But for now, we are doing okay

I told Kip last night, even though we should probably be realllly sad right now, I'm not. We are blessed in so many other ways. I know we will get our baby, one way or the other. The Lord wouldn't have put this strong desire of mommyhood in my heart if He wasn't going to fulfill it. Although, I am really confused by how He is planning on fulfilling it. My frustration lies here: mentally, I was so prepared and ready for adoption. I had come to terms with a baby not biologically being our own. I was at peace with not knowing what our biological child would look like, or who he or she would act like. I was okay with not being pregnant to bring our child into this world. And now. Now I have taken 1000000000000 steps backwards. Now, I have yearning again for all of those things! We got to have that baby in our lives for 11 weeks. We got to daydream about all of those things. To a certain degree of course. You don't truly let your mind go there when you have been through what we have. But still. Now we are starting over

Since I last blogged, life has been busy. I continued to work to keep my mind occupied, I cut off all of my hair, I have gotten to spend some really great time with my very best friend and the love of my life.

excuse my awkwardness, I don't do selfies on the regular

We have done some retail therapy with buying things for the house, we have enjoyed our fire pit (finally! we have had it for 2 years, sitting in the box, waiting to be put together) we have laughed, we have cried, we have cooked together and we have been completely filled with love and support. We truly have the best families and friends. The flowers, the cards, the texted prayers, the phone calls and the silent prayers, we have felt them all. We are so blessed. We are so thankful.

I have a lamp obsession. And it isn't getting better and I'm okay with that

Beautiful flowers we have received 

Right now, I am sitting under a blanket, sipping on coffee, listening to the rain and a fire crackling. These are the types of days that I love. Most people don't like the rain. But I do. I love to be cozy, and to me, the rain is cozy (don't get me wrong, if I am at the beach, there better not be a cloud in the sky) but in the fall and the winter, I don't like to look outside and see what appears to be a warm, sunny day, only to walk outside and it be freezing. If it is cool or cold, I want the clouds, and the rain, or the snow! That is the beautiful part about living in North Carolina, the seasons and the changes of weather

PS- it is not cold here at all. It is actually warmer than usual right now. And I'm sweating. But I love the idea of it being cold, sitting under a blanket and sipping coffee, so I'm pretending that it is cold ;)