This morning I woke up and felt sad and panicked. I don't know why. Nothing changed. And maybe that's the problem. Yesterday I didn't "do" anything that will help us get closer to having a baby. I didn't research adoption at all. I know I am setting the image up to look like I am nose deep in research everyday; I'm not. But when I read about an agency or anything at all pertaining to adoption, I feel like I am "doing something." I've told you before, I am a fixer. So if I feel like I am learning how to help "fix" our yearning for a baby, I'm doing something and not just sitting around and waiting. Even if it is just for 20 minutes. It feels therapeutic
Maybe that isn't the problem at all though. I'm not sure. All I know, is that I woke up this morning and laid in bed for an hour before I could get up. I just wasn't "feeling" today. The verge of tears. Do you ever feel like if you could just get out a good cry you might feel better? But the situation has to be right for that to happen. You can't just burst into tears anywhere and anytime. So far today, I haven't had time for a good melt down.
I think there is some underlying anxiety and sadness that next month would be the due date of our little girl. When I see someone that is pregnant and they say they are due next month with a little girl, my heart explodes inside. Jealousy, anger, sadness, happiness for them and that they aren't having the troubles that we are.
My husband is studying to take his boards next month. This is a HUGE test. I try not to distract him so he can study with a clear mind. I don't want to throw my racing thoughts into his head. We talk on a daily basis about what's next for us. But he isn't in the fast lane to adoption like I am. He wants to wait, go through the next IVF round and then start (if needed) on the adoption preparation. This is the only time through all of this journey that we are bumping heads and not on the same page. Adoption takes a long time. I don't want December to come around and for us to just be starting on our profile, trying to find a lawyer, an agency, etc. Maybe it's the mother's intuition in me that I just feel adoption is right. Maybe I am just so eager for a baby that I am trying to rush things. We usually do a good job of balancing out each other and our emotions. His fear is that we start the adoption process now, and then find out (too late into the process) that we have a healthy embryo, or embryos and then end up having our child and adopting a child too close together. I keep telling him, oh well! That is just how it is supposed to be then! But he isn't going for it
You know, this is not an easy process. There are days that I feel like I am just dominating with strength and it is easy to have a happy face. And then there are these days. I get frustrated with myself and I know I shouldn't. Life is not always happy. It is okay to be upset sometimes. I'm just not good at hiding my emotions and I can't go through a day where everyone asks "are you okay?" because then the waterfall of tears would start. This is one of those days that a question could/would lead to tears. That is also the difficult part of sharing so much of this journey. Yes, I can talk about it [most of the time] and not get upset. But somedays, it is really hard. But I really appreciate when people ask, it is nice to know people are concerned. It is just all such a whirlwind. Right when I think I have it all figured out. I don't.
So if you are reading this and you have your own little babes. Hug them extra tight, kiss them one extra time and rock them to sleep a little longer than usual. Do it for all of us that long so badly for that opportunity
I'm going to end this with a picture that I found that I am trying to hard to believe and trust and be patient for
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