My heart and mind are racing today. I have always struggled with anxiety. I used to take medication for it, but I don't anymore. I have learned how to recognize my triggers and talk myself through it. It's not working today. I have been very positive through this whole experience. I know it is okay to have some bad days here and there. But I don't like them! I don't like my mind controlling and distracting me from my daily tasks. Anxiety makes you only concentrate on the negatives (at least mine does) There are so many "what ifs" that will not get out of my head.

What if we are left with no healthy embryos after the chromosomes are tested?

What if we implant and there is another loss?

What if random chromosome accidents are not why we are having multiple pregnancy losses? We really only know that 1 of them was because of that. What if that is not the reason and we have done all of this for nothing?

What if we implant and it doesn't take?

While we were waiting for the results to come back from our own genetic testing, Kip and I started talking about what we would do if we found out one of us had a balanced translocation. [Disclaimer: this was before I started researching and didn't know about PGD yet] We talked about using a donor if we needed to. We would want to keep it in the family. But whoa, that is a really big favor to ask of someone. Would they be up for it? Thankfully, since both of our tests came back normal we could put that thought and anxiety aside. And replace it with other ones of course (at least I did)

Then, there is the complete opposite end of the spectrum. Sometimes I get excited and want to start preparing now for the baby. Sometimes I go into the room in our house that will be the nursery. We call it "the first bedroom" instead of the "nursery" when referring to it for now (it is the first bedroom in the hallway) Sometimes I go in there and I imagine how we will arrange the furniture. The crib can go there, oh no, it can't that is where the window is and the baby will be too close to the blinds. But if it goes there, it will be too close to that air vent. Seriously, sometimes, anxiety gets the best of me. That should not produce anxiety! But, occasionally it does. I literally have to hold myself back from buying baby things. I have ALWAYS wanted kids. I have wanted to buy baby items for YEARS but I held back. But through the last 2 years, I have bought things here and there either when I was pregnant or just out and about and couldn't resist an item for a good price. But that makes it hard. I go into that first bedroom and I see all the baby stuff. The soft blankets, the boppy pillows, the little tiny Wake Forest chair, the maternity clothes that my friend has let me borrow.... for the last 2 years. Sometimes when I look at all of that stuff I get excited and can't wait to put it to use. And sometimes, like today, I get scared and anxious. What if I never get to use that stuff? ANXIETY GO AWAY! YOU ARE NOT WELCOME HERE ANYMORE!!!! Dang it, it's still here.

I'm sorry if you are bored reading this. There isn't a true purpose to this post. I just thought if I could get these thoughts out of my head it might help. I really need to clean our house, but I keep feeling so distracted. When I was saying my prayers this morning and thanking God for all the blessings in my life, I had to apologize to him for my scattered thoughts and being distracted. Do you ever feel like you literally can not think about or through even simple tasks because your mind is totally in a different place?